It's so classically you, and I see in this a lot of the reasons I enjoy writing myself. I think you like manipulating the readers tongue, make them chew the words, but with a good ear for beat and flow too. I trip over the central few lines, "this dampness" to "a steady brightness". I don't think it's the line break that trips me, possibly it's the choice of "feel". It's a slight repetition on the fourth line, but more importantly I just think it's a passive sound to start of a line that seems to mark some sort of decisive act or thought. That's all that really tweaked my attitude towards this. Pretty sharp with some great imagery.
This is very lyrical, and to my mind has just the right balance of detail and wit to make a decent little tune, if you haven't done so already. "i suppose." is a fantastic apathetic break. And I am feeling that final line right now.