#1
Just finished this one today. I'd written the chorus months ago and put it on the shelf till last night...

Silver Screen

If I waited outside your window tonight
Would you let me in if I let you win?
Say it's alright, you knew you were right
All along, I sounded so strong
You know I refuse to step in their shoes
And somehow I find it's all in my mind
Try to believe that this isn't me
I knew me so well before we both fell

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told

Over thousands of miles you took me to trial
Let the defense rest, put my word to the test
Stay for a while, scream with a smile
Believe what you will and move in for the kill
Let this come down, keep my feet off the ground
We're almost here, still grinding the gears
So save the slow dance, you can't take that chance
Until your heart stops, your stomach's in knots

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told

Take your time on the drive home
Convince yourself you're all alone
Leave it be until the end
The final scene's been cut again

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told
#2
I'm planning on responding to this one in more detail eventually and wanted to make a note of that now

But, as for now, I like the internal rhymes and use of assonance (might be a little overboard for some, but I'm okay with it--it propels me, as a reader, along though the piece).
#3
You've chosen to really commit to the rhyming scheme and structure - which can be really tough, but I think you've pulled it off (that wasn't meant to rhyme....goddamit).

If I waited outside your window tonight
Would you let me in if I let you win?
Say it's alright, you knew you were right
All along, I sounded so strong
You know I refuse to step in their shoes
And somehow I find it's all in my mind
Try to believe that this isn't me
I knew me so well before we both fell


The first two lines set up the scene, set up the story. The third line jars a little for me - alright/right don't quite fit the rhyming scheme you're using elsewhere, it's pretty rigid and so it does feel a little out of place. There's a similar issue with 'me' in the same last two lines (not the rhyming part), although I find when I read it it stands out, when I read it out loud it flows a lot better.


The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told


There's a lot of words here! The first line is descriptive and clear. The second line doesn't benefit from using 'never' twice, both in terms of flow and, for me at least, style. The third line is very dense, but again, when read out it flows fine. For the final line, I like what your'e saying - in my head I quite liked the idea of making the metaphor a bit stronger, perhaps something like 'Our silver-screen fantasy came to and before the starting credits had rolled' - reinforcing the movie comparison.

Over thousands of miles you took me to trial
Let the defense rest, put my word to the test
Stay for a while, scream with a smile
Believe what you will and move in for the kill
Let this come down, keep my feet off the ground
We're almost here, still grinding the gears
So save the slow dance, you can't take that chance
Until your heart stops, your stomach's in knots


I like the trial metaphor, nicely put. The last half of the verse is a little confusing to me - what are you trying to say? It all flows fine and works though.

ake your time on the drive home
Convince yourself you're all alone
Leave it be until the end
The final scene's been cut again


I like this, it's a clear reinforcement of the movie theme/comparison, I'd even consider ending on it because you've got that nice line about the final scene being cut.

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This is a really interesting piece, the idea is very clear and it works well. My feedback is always meant as constructive, thank you for posting.
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#4
I really enjoy the imagery used here, the chorus in particular.
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#5
Okay, so I've managed to avoid reading any other comments on this in the meantime, so here goes. If there are comments similar to other posts, that explains that. My comments in green

Quote by Mainer

Silver Screen

If I waited outside your window tonight
Would you let me in if I let you win?
Say it's alright, you knew you were right
All along, I sounded so strong
You know I refuse to step in their shoes
And somehow I find it's all in my mind
Try to believe that this isn't me
I knew me so well before we both fell

I like the internal rhyme in these first few lines, but the overall meter comes off clunky except with accent/emphasis added (while "singing" it in my head). It's almost like a pair of quatrains (ABAC DEFG--I'd rework lines 5-8 as DEDF, but that's a stylistic choice for you to make--though the internal rhyme is so strongly developed you're not losing a whole lot). Having it as one eight-line stanza works to give it a narrative coherence.

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued I like the extended lines, but when they're this length, picking up on differences in meter is really easy. In this case, the second line is two syllables longer and that really stands out--it's like hitting a speed bump. I'd take out "simply" if it were my piece--it's also not carrying much weight as content (Adverbs can be very powerful, but I don't think it works well here.). Keeping in mind that these things can be worked out when sung, but even when sung there's a point where it sounds clunky.
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told

So in this stanza, you've introduced an allusion to a "silver screen fantasy." Just making a note for myself.

Over thousands of miles you took me to trial
Let the defense rest, put my word to the test
Stay for a while, scream with a smile
Believe what you will and move in for the kill
Let this come down, keep my feet off the ground
We're almost here, still grinding the gears
So save the slow dance, you can't take that chance
Until your heart stops, your stomach's in knots

Okay, so this stanza's got the same end-rhyme scheme as the first (ABAC DEFG), so you've committed to that one. A similar emphasis on internal rhymes, though in this section it's not quite as smooth as it is in the first (e.g., the second line has a hard stop at "...rest, put...". What seems to really be missing is development of the "silver screen" idea.

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told

I'll just repeat my previous note about the second line.

Take your time on the drive home
Convince yourself you're all alone
Leave it be until the end
The final scene's been cut again

Half rhyme . I have no suggestions for anything to focus on in a revision. It nicely touches on the silver screen idea again.

The silver screen lied to me again last night in the dark of an empty room
It's not what it seems, I'd never believe it's never enough to simply come unglued
I've waited beneath the weight of everything the heart might want, the heart might need
Our silver screen fantasy came to an end before the story was told
#6
First - I popped into the forum based on the signature of another user who had posted in the pit. Your title had the largest draw to me - so congrats on hooking me on two words.


I read through the piece in its entirety, read it again verbally, read it again for scheme, read it again for content, and now I sit here after reading Aeolian Harmony's critique and am a bit unsettled.

Your concept is classic - true with the title. Your imagery is verbose but descriptive. It didn't get long in the tooth while rattling off your verses.

One thing didn't sit right with me. To appreciate the rhythmic scheme and the way you dress this simple idea, I've mentally drawn together a stripped down version of some 3-5 track recording at a reduced tempo, as not to feel rushed through the piece as to allow for inflection and dramatic pause in the contrasting moments. When I finally finished my brain cruise, the time on the clock said 9-13 minutes.

This may or may not be a problem - but to condense it into a 5 minute piece, you'll either have to rush through all of it, or find a way to communicate the same message more efficiently.

I know - a guy who can't say anything without using 50 words is favoring simplicity.

If you don't mind - I'd like the narrative that explains the piece you've put together. I think I understand where this came from. If only to validate my thoughts - and cater to my understanding of what you've crafted...or to simply put a more human face on it.
Last edited by dPrimmy at Apr 26, 2016,
#8
word used was prattle. It didn't seem to fit, I hadn't used it in awhile - and tehGooglz defined it as : "talk at length in a foolish or inconsequential way".

So, I was wrong. Sub'd for 'rattled off'.