#1
No Allegiance


Let's live in '84
See something, say something
Suspicions rising
from the corner of your eyes
Blindsiding a careless tongue

Pledge no allegiance
This land isn't worth your blood
Pledge no service
This country's worthless
Pledge no devotion
Your overlords betray you
Pledge no allegiance to no one

Enemies: one and all
Cultural paranoia smothering within
Sterile safety bubble
Privileged protection from the unpleasant reality
We suffocate

Pledge no allegiance
This land isn't worth your blood
Pledge no service
This country's worthless
Pledge no devotion
Your overlords betray you
Pledge no allegiance to no one


Who is your friend
When everybody is the enemy?

Pledge no allegiance
This land isn't worth your blood
Pledge no service
This country's worthless
Pledge no devotion
Your overlords betray you
Pledge no allegiance to no one

Why have your friends
When everybody is the enemy?

Let's live in '84
See something, say something
Suspicions rising
from the corner of your eyes
Blindsiding a careless tongue
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
#2
The biggest piece of feedback I can give here is 'Show, Don't Tell'. There are ideas in here, but they are made generic and not allowed to grow. This isn't me being negative or dismissing your lyrics, just providing (hopefully) constructive feedback, and remember this is only my opinion.

Let's live in '84
See something, say something
Suspicions rising
from the corner of your eyes
Blindsiding a careless tongue


First of all - what's the reference to '84? The second line whilst using the word something actually says nothing - would the meaning change if that wasn't there? Again, it's hard to infer the point being made, suspicions about what?

Pledge no allegiance
This land isn't worth your blood
Pledge no service
This country's worthless
Pledge no devotion
Your overlords betray you
Pledge no allegiance to no one


Here I get the point, but again show it - why is the land not worth blood, you say later the country is worthless, again why? How do the overlords betray you? You don't need to be writing an essay explaining, but instead selecting how you frame these ideas.


Enemies: one and all
Cultural paranoia smothering within
Sterile safety bubble
Privileged protection from the unpleasant reality
We suffocate


What is the reality? Explain, show.


Who is your friend
When everybody is the enemy?


This is the beginning of a great idea - this could be really expanded on. It works as a rhetorical question, but is incredibly generic.

Keep writing, there's lot of potential in this and every time you write you will improve.
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'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

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#3
Well, the '84 was in reference to George Orwell's 1984, which if that's missed, does skew the entire piece as an authoritative government warning and why have loyalty to such an entity. The nutshell is: this is the shenanigans 1984 warned about.
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
#4
It does change my understanding of the piece slightly - but that is defined only by my understanding of '1984', not by what you have written, which surely is the aim?

My advice would be to use '1984', as that's the title of the book, so to ensure the reference is understood. Then, though, I have to ask why you're starting with 'Let's live in '84' .... it doesn't quite jive - 'We're living in 1984', 'It's like 1984', rather than inviting the listener.

At the moment this is someone else's idea (George Orwell) - make it your own, show your perspective and feelings on it rather than just telling. There's loads of potential in this and it's a great writing exercise to even focus on one verse and work out how you can improve the narrative and the effect on listener/reader.

Keep up the good work!
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo