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#1
i went with my grandma to the store and she parked in the handicapped spot because old lady. we go in and she gets the stuff and we go out. but she forgot to put up her handicapped sign on her rearview mirror. no one noticed but she drives all the way to the courthouse and i am probably bawling because i think she'll go to jail. but she just pays the fine and that is it.

wbu
#2
I pulled a pocket knife (off school property) on a kid that used to bully me all the time and got in a shitload of trouble


what happened to him, you ask?


Nothing


Year later my dog got out, broke into their garage, and bit their rabbit's foot off.
Check out my band Disturbed
#3
I was visiting my grandparents in rural Russia. My grandma asked me to go to the store and buy eggs and bread. The store is this tiny shack with no windows and a woman behind the counter.
"Hello, could I have a loaf of white bread and 6 eggs, please"
"No."
"....Ok bye"
Went home empty handed.

That must've been 10 years ago and to this day I have no idea what I did wrong.
#4
Related to the story TS has told: After my grandma died of some cancer my grandad used to use her disabled permit thing to get free parking everywhere. Even when it was about a year out of date. And when we went out on a Sunday he used to get my and my brother a bottle of fruit shoot and a packet of crisps and he'd have a can of beer before driving us home. Not the most exciting of stories but whatever.
I have nothing important to say
#5
Quote by sashki
I was visiting my grandparents in rural Russia. My grandma asked me to go to the store and buy eggs and bread. The store is this tiny shack with no windows and a woman behind the counter.
"Hello, could I have a loaf of white bread and 6 eggs, please"
"No."
"....Ok bye"
Went home empty handed.

That must've been 10 years ago and to this day I have no idea what I did wrong.



Greatest story ever!


My mother and father were never married, and separated shortly after my birth (she was unfit) well my mother used to date this man i rode in his car, went to his house, even played his Playstation (final fantasy 7).

Well me and my Grandmother (fathers side) were in the grocery store when i saw this man.

I said "HEY I KNOW YOU" he insisted i didnt so i started describing his car, his house, and his tv/Playstation and about that time his wife beat his ass all the way out of the store with a high heel!!

My Grandma was incredibly tickled and embarrassed at the same time.
#6
Quote by sashki
I was visiting my grandparents in rural Russia. My grandma asked me to go to the store and buy eggs and bread. The store is this tiny shack with no windows and a woman behind the counter.
"Hello, could I have a loaf of white bread and 6 eggs, please"
"No."
"....Ok bye"
Went home empty handed.

That must've been 10 years ago and to this day I have no idea what I did wrong.


Maybe you were supposed to ask for brown bread or something
I have nothing important to say
#7
when i was a 11 i went to my aunts house for summer vacation. Me and my cousin, a few years younger than me, went to the neighborhood park one day around noon, and as it got dark we decided to leave. We got in the car, and as my aunt was backing out, a man came up to my cousins side of the car and pointed a gun. He demanded money, but all my aunt had was jewelry. She cracked open the window and tossed her gold bangles/bracelets and finger-rings onto the parking lot ground, the man grabbed them and ran away.

lucky nobody got shot. I was terrified. We sped off immediately after he ran into the park, and my parents were furious that she let us stay in the park until dark. It was a pretty safe suburban neighborhood too.
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https://soundcloud.com/95dank



#8
when i was two i shot myself in the thigh with a nailgun. went through my overalls n everything. i was aight tho

there was this one time i fed a swallowtail to a praying mantis that had wondered onto the asphalt. i had fed em before but this time i remember sitting on the hot blacktop for what must have been a hour watching her do this sinister carriage-return maneuver on the butterfly. she turned that thing into a troth of yellow juices and then sucked it dry. it was hardcore.

when i turned 7 my mommy invited this qt from school named ashley over and we ran out into the corn fields and played hide-and-go-seek. i remember how tough it was cause the plants towered over us. we hung out by the woods edge where just between the corn stalks and the prickly bushes there were always deer tracks in the dirt. we studied them and tried to follow them but the deer had backtracked and crossed paths so we couldn't find their secret lair. we found a rabbit there in the stinkweed. my mom instructed us not to touch it so we didn't. the thing was so small that a fox could have taken it. where was its momma? i never found out
#9
When I was like 10,11 I was swimming with ma swimming trunks on for hours, I started to notice the trunks were somehow stuck on me,I peeled off
What I could n to my horror my foreskin was stuck in the mesh of the trunks, I almost couldn't get them off , was even dreading the thought of askin my mom or dad for help, luckily those dirty trunks came off
#10
The only memory I have of my grandfather is of me sitting on his knee when I was about 3 or 4 years old, and he kept popping his false teeth out and making me laugh.......my dad said I couldn't stop laughing for hours afterwards. He died not long after that apparently
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#11
I was shopping with my mom and my second stepdad's sister. I must have been, like, 6. For some reason I felt like being somewhat mean, so I told stepdad's sis that my mom smelled like a horse.
My mom overheard this and asked if I said she smelled "like a horse," or "like a whore". Little six-ish me didn't know what a whore was, but knew it was bad to say someone smelled like a horse, so I went with option B. I didn't get to watch TV for like a week.
#12
When i was 7 i was in the hospital due to a ruptured colon...they had me hooked to a stomach pump and i wasnt allowed food or liquids for a very long time. Well after about a week of no water my lips were incredibly cracked and i was finally allowed 1oz of water every 4hrs, after the first time i had myself a plan.

I told the nurse that next time i wanted it freezing cold, so she brought in a yellow tub filled with ice chips and sat the tiny cup in the center to get really cold.

I waited til late that night, the ice had melted according to plan (and physics) so i pulled the end table the pan was sitting on over to the bed got the pan laying on my chest and i drank the whole damn thing!


Needless to say the pump overflowed a bunch of black shit into the floor, and the nurses fell on the way in the room.

Probably could have killed me? But it was so worth it!
#14
My oldest younger brother was floating face down in the water at the beach once and I saved him.

This was about 10-11yrs old, because around that month~ in 2001, I got this pretty sick BMX trophy (I mean, trophies back then, innit maybe)


So, the way I got this trophy was mid-placing in about 8-10 bikers total on a pretty dope dirt track right (some 20 minutes away place that was pretty professional, but probably closed by now).


So it's Wave 3 of the race, and I don't feel good in the intermission part for some reason. But my friend's encouraging me to keep at it of course. So hell yeah, let's go!

So the starting line has that BMX gate that drops down at the start, you know? It looks like this is you dont:




As it drops down, I catch my front-tire on it and slide down the drop on my chin after hitting it pretty hard (so last place in Wave 3 naturally). 12 stitches and you could see my chin bone hanging out of my skin apparently, so they felt bad and *trophy*. There were a few other wounds needing stitches within that next ~2 year period, but that was the most brutal set
.
Last edited by Fat Lard at Apr 8, 2016,
#15
Quote by MasterStohner
Badass mastermind for a 7yo.
But, why did your colon rupture to begin with?



They say it was most likely a tiny sliver of a chicken bone or splinter from a toothpick, they never actually found the object that caused the abscess.

In all reality i should probably own a Shoneys restaurant because the chicken parm was supposed to be boneless.


I no longer eat "bone in" chicken other than wings and i do not use wooden toothpicks either.
#16
Quote by Fat Lard
My oldest younger brother was floating face down in the water at the beach once and I saved him.

This was about 10-11yrs old, because around that month~ in 2001, I got this pretty sick BMX trophy (I mean, trophies back then, innit maybe)


So, the way I got this trophy was mid-placing in about 8-10 bikers total on a pretty dope dirt track right (some 20 minutes away place that was pretty professional, but probably closed by now).


So it's Wave 3 of the race, and I don't feel good in the intermission part for some reason. But my friend's encouraging me to keep at it of course. So hell yeah, let's go!

So the starting line has that BMX gate that drops down at the start, you know? It looks like this is you dont:




As it drops down, I catch my front-tire on it and slide down the drop on my chin after hitting it pretty hard (so last place in Wave 3 naturally). 12 stitches and you could see my chin bone hanging out of my skin apparently, so they felt bad and *trophy*. There were a few other wounds needing stitches within that next ~2 year period, but that was the most brutal set

I had to get stitches in my chin when I was a kid too. I was probably about 3 or 4. For some reason, I was walking around in comically oversized socks. I stepped on the end of one of them and my face splatted onto the linoleum. My story's not as good as yours.

But speaking of bikes, when I was about 8 or so, I rode off a 5 foot cliff and landed face down in some gravel. Didn't even have a scratch or a bruise from that though.
#17
Quote by Dick Savage
They say it was most likely a tiny sliver of a chicken bone or splinter from a toothpick, they never actually found the object that caused the abscess.

In all reality i should probably own a Shoneys restaurant because the chicken parm was supposed to be boneless.


I no longer eat "bone in" chicken other than wings and i do not use wooden toothpicks either.
Ouch. Yeah, motorized meat saws can splinter bones and send tiny pieces into the meat. I've actually gotten bits of bone in hamburger and turkey salad before. Never had any medical issues like that, though.
This reminds me though, when I was about 12 or 13, my dad shot a deer in the head. We made it into venison burger, tenderloin steaks, and burger. While we were eating the tenderloin, I bit into a chunk of lead and my dad bit into a chunk of brass almost simultaneously. Either it had been shot before, or two small pieces of the bullet somehow traveled from its head down its neck and into the meat alongside its spine. I didn't eat anything else from that one, but nobody else had any other issues.
#18
Quote by MasterStohner
Ouch. Yeah, motorized meat saws can splinter bones and send tiny pieces into the meat. I've actually gotten bits of bone in hamburger and turkey salad before. Never had any medical issues like that, though.
This reminds me though, when I was about 12 or 13, my dad shot a deer in the head. We made it into venison burger, tenderloin steaks, and burger. While we were eating the tenderloin, I bit into a chunk of lead and my dad bit into a chunk of brass almost simultaneously. Either it had been shot before, or two small pieces of the bullet somehow traveled from its head down its neck and into the meat alongside its spine. I didn't eat anything else from that one, but nobody else had any other issues.


I am living proof that everyone should chew carefully lol
#19
Me and a buddy used to throw grapes off his balcony cause that's what you do when you're a dumb little shit I guess. Except for one day he decides we're just gonna throw those little white gardening pebbles cause it would be more fun or whatever reason.

Anywho long story short he hit a dude's car and we ended up hiding and going prone on his balcony until we could hear that he wasn't still yelling and threatening to kill us.
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I incurred the wrath of the Association of White Knights. Specifically the Parent's Basement branch of service.
#22
I went to a summer day-camp thing one year, probably around 10 y/o, at a local rec center. Every afternoon we were allowed (coerced?) into going out to the swimming pool for 2-3 hours. It was a lot of fun the first three or four weeks, but after that it got old and my summer camp buddies and I would sit around outside.

This one day, I was sitting around with someone I didn't know very well on the edge of the pool, sitting with out feet in the water. At the rec center, there was a little stand where they sold candy and drinks and such, and we'd gotten one of those giant pixie sticks (see https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/04/af/18/04af185a3887492c4d87a73587ed0c2a.jpg if you don't know--basically flavored sugary powder in a plastic tube).

So as we were sitting there hanging out (really him talking incessantly and me nodding here and there), I asked, HYPOTHETICALLY, what would happen if you snorted pixie stick dust. So, for whatever reason and before I could say not to, he poured a good bit of orange dust, raised it to his face, and buried his nose in it.

And, well, what happened is what happens when you snort a ton of powdered material. He screamed (evidently it stings, too), sneezed a giant orange cloud, and then wretched a little bit of orange goodness knows what into the pool. And then back to screaming, which got the attention of the lifeguards and camp staff. And then he starts screaming that I'd told him to do it (which I didn't, and thankfully they believed me).
#24
I'm a curious 8 year old (I think I was about 8). I'm also quite annoying, so my dad gave me an improvised time-out by telling me to go sit in the laundry room until I can promise to stop annoying him (which is pretty much an impossible task).
So I'm in the laundry room, and I'm bored out of my mind, and all of a sudden I spot these tiny scissors with plastic handles my mom left in there. And then I spot an outlet in the wall. Curious me puts two and two together and next thing you know - bzzzzt *lights out*
My dad comes running in only seconds after, and I've never seen a more terrified look on his face, followed by this look of enormous relief when he sees me just standing there.

"What did you do?!"
*me in shock* - I put the scissors in the outlet
"Why on earth would you do that?!"
- I dunno... There were sparks coming out, which looked kinda cool
"..."

And then I just cried because I'd never seen my dad that scared, and I knew that if he was scared, I must have just done something incredibly stupid
#25
You guys have issues.

I did the shaving-like-my-dad thing and got spectacularly fucked up by the razor/my bad technique

I once saw a big bottle of black liquid propping a door open. I thought it was cola, rationalising that cola was the only drink in the world that is black and bottled. I poured a glass and drank a decent amount of it in one gulp. It was Tia Maria.

I once covered my cat in post-it notes. He wasn't happy.

I've been to like 12 schools, too.
Praise the Z-Dog, my DADDY ♂♂♂
#27
My dad went to the bank.

My brother, sister and I were left outside in the car. They told me if I pressed the button with a trumpet on it enough, I would get a trumpet.

I still do not have a trumpet.
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#28
Shat myself when I was about 11 while practicing a school christmas play with the whole primary school present.
Quote by chrisyoonyoon
where i'm from it's very different with emotionships
#29
Quote by Cing Krimson
Shat myself when I was about 11 while practicing a school christmas play with the whole primary school present.
this is fun

when i was in like 1st or 2nd grade or something idk i had to poop really bad but we were supposed to be in nap time. a friend of mine who was beside me was coloring a cow yellow saying "lol who ever heard of a yellow cow. dude it smells like someone pooped on themselves". well sure enough my sphincter had enough. the assistant teacher figured it out and sent me to the bathroom to change, well. she gave me some green underwear with pink writing on it. i asked if it was boys underwear. she said yes.

it was not boy's underwear.
#30
Quote by H4T3BR33D3R at #33918660
Me and a buddy used to throw grapes off his balcony cause that's what you do when you're a dumb little shit I guess. Except for one day he decides we're just gonna throw those little white gardening pebbles cause it would be more fun or whatever reason.

Anywho long story short he hit a dude's car and we ended up hiding and going prone on his balcony until we could hear that he wasn't still yelling and threatening to kill us.

I did something similar only it was water balloons off the roof of my friend's building.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#31
When I was a little kid, about five or six years old, I had my friend playing with me at my place. We decided to go Outside to the Playground (It was this one at the Center of alot of appartment buildings). We decided to start digging for treasure, and at some point we got to a spot where there was some gardening soil. We oblivious ofthe fact it was used for gardening started digging, and got really exited when we found these small bulbs. Wedug up some until I had to go home.

Later that Day my mother came to me and asked if I had been digging bulbs up with my friend, since someone had angrily told her that we had.I got a bit scared, and just straight up told her we had done nothing of the sort. Almost 15 years later she still doesen't know that it was really us.
#32
Also,
Quote by StewieSwan at #33918040
I pulled a pocket knife (off school property) on a kid that used to bully me all the time

I can totally see this.
Quote by jakesmellspoo
ooh look at me i'm ERIKLENSHERR and i work at fancy pants desk jobs and wear ties and ply barely legal girls with weed and booze i'm such a classy motherfucker.
#33
I wrote a paper in 2nd grade (i know, i cant type for shit) on the topic of the Titanic and my teacher gave it to the principal and the principal contacted Duke university and next thjng i knew i was at Duke for about 3 days of "testing" ( i thought they were experimenting on me) i kept asking why i was there and they just replied "because you are special" (i had heard this before, and it always meant someone was challenged) so i was convinced that was why i was there.

Then after i left i got a certificate/test results in the mail that proclaimed me to be a genius. They said i had an iq of 169 and that i was incredibly intelligent...

Little did they know...

Apparently,they had never visited UG.
#34
Quote by Dick Savage
I wrote a paper in 2nd grade (i know, i cant type for shit) on the topic of the Titanic and my teacher gave it to the principal and the principal contacted Duke university and next thjng i knew i was at Duke for about 3 days of "testing" ( i thought they were experimenting on me) i kept asking why i was there and they just replied "because you are special" (i had heard this before, and it always meant someone was challenged) so i was convinced that was why i was there.

Then after i left i got a certificate/test results in the mail that proclaimed me to be a genius. They said i had an iq of 169 and that i was incredibly intelligent...

Little did they know...

Apparently,they had never visited UG.

One hundred and.....

Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#36
I remember something else.

When I was about six or seven, my family lived in a small neighborhood. The area we lived in was prone to flooding, so there was a fairly elaborate system of drainage ditches and canals. Some of these ditches made little tunnels under driveways around the neighborhood.

These drainage tunnels were about three feet in diameter and typically 10-15' long and in the early summer (before it begins to rain every afternoon), the system would be bone dry. Being kind of adventurous kid with adventurous kid neighbors, we made up obstacle-course like contests that involved crawling through these tunnels, jumping across the open drainage canals, running so far into the woods and back, and that kind of thing.

Fun stuff
#37
I broke a French kid's nose in a swimming pool in Branson, Missouri in 1978. It was amazing how much blood came out that kid's nose!
#38
Quote by TobusRex
I broke a French kid's nose in a swimming pool in Branson, Missouri in 1978. It was amazing how much blood came out that kid's nose!


And you didn't grow up to be a police officer?


jk
#39
Quote by TobusRex
I broke a French kid's nose in a swimming pool in Branson, Missouri in 1978. It was amazing how much blood came out that kid's nose!

When I was about 12, I took a swing at a mate(we'd been getting on each other's tits all day, and I had a short temper back them).

Hit him square in the mouth, and he ripped the inside of his cheeks to fuck on his braces.

Really hadn't been aiming for that, tbh.
Quote by Diemon Dave
Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#40
had one of those laser pens that projected a naked lady. shone it across the road into some guys room and it was like 6ft tall on his wall lol. dude came to our house and my mum fully backed us to this guy telling him he was an idiot for even coming over we're good kids and then came upstairs and was like that's funny shit now go sleep guys
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