#1
Jigsaw


I wait
Sometimes for days
In agony
To receive another piece
Of a puzzle still incomplete

The search in the unknown
Where I know nothing
Not what is sought
But that was is wanting
A code or map to make you whole
Not this fragmentation

I wait
Sometimes for days
In agony
To receive another piece
Of a puzzle still incomplete

Where do I find a key
To unleash every fraction
How do I reach you
I'm blindly walking this darkened forest
I need the illumination
And opened eyes

Until it's all retrieved

I wait
Sometimes for days
In agony
To receive another piece
Of a puzzle still incomplete


My mind is parched
Awaiting every part
Of the infinite enigma
To satiate the thirst
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
Last edited by bjgrifter at Apr 19, 2016,
#2
I'm on my phone - so it's harder to do a crit for you - I will the minute I get to my computer.

However - can you give feedback on someone else's work? This is the third song of yours I've seen, but no feedback elsewhere (unless I'm mistaken). To make this place work and get as many people supporting there's need to be interaction (and I don't mean the stuff I've posted, I mean in general).

Moan over, I'll look at this in about an hour when I can!
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#3
Alright, as promised:

I wait
Sometimes for days
In agony
To receive another piece
Of a puzzle still incomplete

The search in the unknown
Where I know nothing
Not what is sought
But that was is wanting
A code or map to make you whole
Not this fragmentation


The chorus is fine, you're setting up the piece, although I'd prefer it if there was a bit more substance to it - why are you in agony? How are you in agony? A bit more set-up, maybe.

For the second verse I would change the first couplet - uknown vs I know nothing- you're saying the same thing without giving new information. I do like 'not what is sought, but what is wanting' though - it communicates more than a lot of the rest of this.

Where do I find a key
To unleash every fraction
How do I reach you
I'm blindly walking this darkened forest
I need the illumination
And opened eyes

Until it's all retrieved


Mixed metaphor with key unleashing fractions, but I like it. The darkened forest, illumination section isn't really bringing anything to me - it says 'it's a struggle' but it doesn't give me anything else - why/how it is a struggle.

My mind is parched
Awaiting every part
Of the infinite enigma
To satiate the thirst


Some nice words in here, but again, what is it actually saying?

What I took away from this is that the author would like to know someone better and they're finding it difficult , but there's very little to help me relate to that - specifics (about either person) or consistent imagery. There's plenty here to work with, and it's good to see you writing so much.
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#4
Yeah, I post a fair bit here. If I critique, I'd like to say more than "That's cool/that sucks." I want it to be worthwhile, but it might be good to try harder.

The work is about trying to understand and communicate with my mostly non-verbal autistic daughter. It's about feeling lost in typical communication while having joy whenever you get that little trinket that allows you to get deeper with them. This is the best I've been able to really put out what I see and that's because you are at a loss for words on pinpointing things.

-I also hear you on the phone thing. I much prefer a full, physical keyboard when possible.
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
Last edited by bjgrifter at Apr 19, 2016,
#5
It's great that you've got something so personal to work from, and in that sense it's always going to mean so much more to you than to the majority of people reading it.

If you are interested in reworking it, my advice would be to look at specific things that you can write about that show the emotions you're describing, for example - is there a way that you communicate that is unique to you two?

Phones are a nightmare for this - you spend half the time scrolling!
Chris
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#6
Well, communication is about getting her to respond, and ironically, a puzzle piece is used to symbolize autism. Any breakthrough balances out not knowing what makes them tick.
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
#7
Right there, with what you've written, you've got something poetic. The piece certainly means a lot more with that context.
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo