#1
Weeds and What's Beneath

(Any feedback will be appreciated. Thanks!)

They held on to every scrap of sadness they could
And they forgot the words to all the records he used to listen to.
Now you put on a show to let everyone know you regret never saying goodbye
You ain't fooling me because I can see you ain't got a single tear in your eye

(Chorus)
I wonder what he'd think about
the way I'm living my life
He might not like everything I've done,
but he'd probably say I'm doing alright
Lord knows I ain't perfect and I know that neither was he,
but he made us all stand taller, and that's close enough to a father for me

He had a weedy little pasture out behind his red brick house
At night I'd go pickin wild flowers, and bring'em back before the lights went out
He'd grab a pickling jar and fill it full of water and he set'em beside my bed
He told me, "Just cause they ain't alive, son, don't mean they're really dead."

(Bridge)
It's been long years and longer days since he died
and y'all act just the same
You wonder why I don't talk or break down,
why I don't cry out his name
I think his life was more important than upturned eyes and shallow regret
He'll stay alive, picked from the weeds when evening has set
#2
I like what's being said, however, the flow is a little...disjointed, particularly in the first verse when compared to the second. I ready it with a country vibe, so that may alter my perception.
Guitar/Bass:
Schecter: Damien 6/Stilletto Extreme 5, Squier: Bullet HSS*, Washburn RX10*/WG-587, Agile Septor 727
*mods

Amps/FX
Peavey: Vypyr 30/Max 112 (200W), ISP: Decimator

Quote by dannyalcatraz
Understood- I waste money on amps*, too.

justinguitar.com is the answer
#3
Yeah the line length is pretty varied, but when it's sung with the chords, it works. There's a little space after the first line where the chords ring out and the second line flows right into the third...I was just trying to keep it interesting in that way
Thanks for the feedback! And yes, it's a country/rock/ballad-y thing.
#4
I can certainly get a country vibe to this as well. It's a well-considered piece, clear in its message.

Quote by bollingerad

They held on to every scrap of sadness they could
And they forgot the words to all the records he used to listen to.
Now you put on a show to let everyone know you regret never saying goodbye
You ain't fooling me because I can see you ain't got a single tear in your eye


I get your subject matter here - grief can be so selfish, and almost part of an image of ourselves we want to project (for example the recent tributes for people like Bowie, or Prince by people you know damn well didn't really listen/care).

The last line is clunky - it goes on a bit too long for the flow - you can easily cut/rearrange slightly whilst keeping the same meaning and adhering to the rhyme also. For me, I don't think you even need 'You ain't fooling me becuase', it can be replaced with 'But...'


(Chorus)
I wonder what he'd think about
the way I'm living my life
He might not like everything I've done,
but he'd probably say I'm doing alright
Lord knows I ain't perfect and I know that neither was he,
but he made us all stand taller, and that's close enough to a father for me


Again, you get the message across really well here, I have no doubt of what you're saying. The last two lines are a a bit cram-packed, you can even see by the length of the last line. It's a lovely sentiment, and you're keeping the father fallible without diminishing the sense of your loss, but again the flow gets lost in the volume of words. My suggestions would be taking the words 'but', 'all' & 'and' out of the last line, which doesn't reduce it much, but keeps it going.


He had a weedy little pasture out behind his red brick house
At night I'd go pickin wild flowers, and bring'em back before the lights went out
He'd grab a pickling jar and fill it full of water and he set'em beside my bed
He told me, "Just cause they ain't alive, son, don't mean they're really dead."


Beautiful verse, I wouldn't change a thing - I really get sense of your voice and it sets a scene well. (lyrically)


(Bridge)
It's been long years and longer days since he died
and y'all act just the same
You wonder why I don't talk or break down,
why I don't cry out his name
I think his life was more important than upturned eyes and shallow regret
He'll stay alive, picked from the weeds when evening has set


Nice ending, concluding the piece whilst tying in the the previous material.

Great job, with a tiny bit of tweaking for flow (and honestly, when sung that can be changed by emphasis anyway), I think this is a really solid piece in which you communicated an event really well.
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#5
Quote by bollingerad


He had a weedy little pasture out behind his red brick house
At night I'd go pickin wild flowers, and bring'em back before the lights went out
He'd grab a pickling jar and fill it full of water and he set'em beside my bed
He told me, "Just cause they ain't alive, son, don't mean they're really dead."


Not much to add, but this verse is nicely done, especially as it seems a major part of your aim is the narrative. It creates a nice set of images and a setting without being overcooked at all.

I do agree that there is some rhythmical clumsiness in pure text form, but as you say--it's different when it's sung
#6
I like that the narrative being told, singing it in my head I imagine it could either be a country-ish like ballad sort of like Bob Dylan's Ballad of the Thin Man or the Hurricane, but with a bit more edge to it since I can also see some electric instrumentation in there. Have you recorded it yet, I'd really like to hear it in full context. Just reading alone it has a haunting vibe. I understand some of the earlier mentions of that the flow is not the best at certain points, but I think at least based off of my past experience hearing it in context to see how you emphasize certain syllables and pair words can make it come off perfectly natural.

I'm running on 24 hours of no sleep lol, so I may not be 100% coherent. But I think the only real issue that hit me on the first reading of this is your use of pronouns like he, they, etc as your tenses. An example of a fix from my perspective would be:

He had a weedy little pasture out behind his red brick house (describing setting using past tense)
At night I'd go pickin wild flowers, 'n bring'em back before the lights went out (describing what you'd do)
He'd grab a picklin' jar, fill it full of water, set'em beside my bed (flow feels a little nicer, but again I don't know the context)
And tell me "Just cause they ain't alive, son, don't mean they're really dead."(flows better without using He again)

Just a few ideas on my end. Good stuff though chief!
#7
I like that the narrative being told, singing it in my head I imagine it could either be a country-ish like ballad sort of like Bob Dylan's Ballad of the Thin Man or the Hurricane, but with a bit more edge to it since I can also see some electric instrumentation in there. Have you recorded it yet, I'd really like to hear it in full context. Just reading alone it has a haunting vibe. I understand some of the earlier mentions of that the flow is not the best at certain points, but I think at least based off of my past experience hearing it in context to see how you emphasize certain syllables and pair words can make it come off perfectly natural.

I'm running on 24 hours of no sleep lol, so I may not be 100% coherent. But I think the only real issue that hit me on the first reading of this is your use of pronouns like he, they, etc as your tenses. An example of a fix from my perspective would be:

He had a weedy little pasture out behind his red brick house (describing setting using past tense)
At night I'd go pickin wild flowers, 'n bring'em back before the lights went out (describing what you'd do)
He'd grab a picklin' jar, fill it full of water, set'em beside my bed (flow feels a little nicer, but again I don't know the context)
And tell me "Just cause they ain't alive, son, don't mean they're really dead."(flows better without using He again)

Just a few ideas on my end. Good stuff though chief!