#1
Fabricated this fantasy
told a tale of me and you.
Convenience sits like a stone.
It hung me out to dry,
it stripped me to the bone.

I'm a hypocrite I could never judge.
The feeling of freedom I loosen up.
Open wide another tale.
Glide you in,
he became so stale.

Why did I ask for discussion.
Found out more then I wanted to know.
Unfortunately the same was on your mind.
You were buried in another hole.
#2
I'll have to read this again in the next couple of days, but briefly--it's kind of hard to figure what's going on (thus a re-read's in order when it's not late ).
#3
Hi Stirrups - good to see another piece.

I preferred your previous piece - there's a few ideas in here, that if expanded on really could become something. In the first verse the stone simile doesn't then work with hung out to dry and I feel the last line has been written simply to rhyme, rather than progress the point.

The second verse works well, I like the first two lines. The final verse is great except for that last line - it leaves me confused as to the message of this piece / the ending you're suggesting.

Keep the work up!
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#4
Seems to me the narrator is telling a made up a story to their ex--about seeing someone else. But the ex has really moved on, while the narrator is left living a "fabrication."
I like the flow of it. There's some sexually-tinged stuff that's handled well without seeming childish.
The only thing negative for me is that I don't really understand what's going on...but that's not necessarily a bad thing!
#5
I felt like pacing is extremely important here; so...

"I'm a hypocrite I could never judge.
The feeling of freedom I loosen up."

Read like a mouthful in an otherwise deliberate and fluid setup.
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#6
'kay, so I've re-read it and it comes off as a kind of stalkery-murdery narrative. Yeah, relatively late after a long day isn't conducive to understanding much.

The first stanza introduces the character, who is kind of beat up owing to an obsessional interest in someone--thus the fantasy of a relationship--but the character also acknowledges the "fabricated" nature of that fantasy. It doesn't seem like he's (presumably) obsessed with an ex, but obsessed with someone who he's never been in a relationship with. I think that's important because the narrator/character being conscious of what he's doing tells the audience he's not psychotic. He's lucid but, as the remainder of the piece indicates, extremely violent.

The second stanza relates the death/burial of the love interest's (not the best phrase, but idk) actual partner. Again, the narrator is lucid enough to realize that he's fabricated this relationship, but that the other is genuine. What throws me here are the first two lines ("I'm a hypocrite.../The feeling of...")--I have no idea what that refers to.
#7
The only thing I've really got to offer in criticism after a quick read is to be conscious of how you present an analogy or simile. Rather than saying "X is like a Y," quite blatantly, try making the analogy a verb that you can use actively so that way to comes off like "My X would Y through the Z."

I'll just use the example of "Convenience sits like a stone."

Any verb would really make it a more clever sentence (while sit is the verb, the real action is that the subject is like something). You don't have to dig too deep, either, as we can use the simple verb of 'is.' That could make it into something like, "Convenience is a stone, sitting." Or, "Convenience sits, it's stone crumbles," to add more image.

That's just my personal flair. I like to have the inferences blended in, not sprinkled on, if that makes sense. YMMV.
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Last edited by JustRooster at May 3, 2016,