Another old one I'm rewriting. Let's see how it goes this time around.


The sirens who'd sing you to shipwreck
on waves that carry to dashy rocks,
are not quite within your earshot,
unless, of course, you would want.

And we'll find excuses for the good
in our lives to be anything but
as the sun on our shoulders
push us deeper into the dirt

God help us,
for we all think we're sinking ships.
I like the message - the grammar's a little off - it jars slightly?

unless, of course, you would want

It's an unfinished sentence/thought - the meaning still comes through, but the execution isn't quite there. Also - 'dashy' ?

push us deeper into the dirt
- needs to be 'pushes' , but again, the message is great, I like the imagery - it's good to have the eternal pessimism we put upon ourselves recognized.

The last couplet is great, tying in the piece wonderfully, resigned yet there is an underlying message of hope.
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

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I thought I'd take what you wrote and rewrite it in a way that I think maintains the overall concept, but flows a little differently. Just liberties I took, take em or leave em.


Siren's song led to shipwreck
Carried you out to the rocks
And now you're out of earshot
Under the current you fought

Sunshine on our shoulders
Pushed us deep into the dirt
A dream on the horizon
A reason to stay on shore

God, help us
For we all think we're sinking ships