#1
Giving it a go to write a song. If happy with it I'll go for trying to get chords/melody and then recording and critique etc...

Writing a song it's harder than I thought lol... im taking a break now but wanted to see what actual songwriters might have to say on what ive got so far

thanks

-------verse 1
It's the same old story

Unchanged from the last

Predictable in every way

Nothing new here

-------chorus
Its in the way I walk, that makes me ordinary

How i sound when i talk is ordinary

It's a crppling desire to be free

What do I have to do to be extraordinary

-------verse 1
To be forgotten sometimes I forget,

I can prevent it, thats I, no one else

My dreams are a blessing to me

Does my situation keep my blessings as a dream?
#2
Hi Darren (high darren, heh), thanks for posting.

The writing process is different for everyone - as you say, this is a work in progress - so critiquing it is difficult because there could be big changes in it by the direction you take with the rest of the song. I've been relatively harsh in my critique - but hopefully fair. The best way to write better songs is....to write. And write, and write and write.

The first verse is guilty of what it is describing - there is nothing new here , there's no unique perspective or part that makes it your own voice. Ultimately each line says the same thing.

The chorus features walk/talk as a rhyme, which is as clichéd as it gets, but I do like the fact that you break it up (i.e. don't finish lines with them) and I like the meter - cramming in the words between walk and ordinary, and then slowing it down for talk and ordinary. You have the beginnings of an idea with the last line - and there can be a nice play on words, extraordinary extra-ordinary, but the third line doesn't match the rest of the piece. 'It's' a crippling desire -what is? You have a crippling desire maybe....but then explain it more, show how that desire is crippling, show that it is desire, rather than just describing it.

The first line of the second verse has promise, but then I lose the meaning/intentions with the rest of the verse - the last two lines certainly feel like you're playing with words for the sake of playing with them, rather than trying to say something (which is fine).

The piece doesn't make any impact on me - but I think I know what you're trying to say. Being ordinary is boring, you long to stand out. In terms of advice, if you're writing a song think about what you're communicating, or trying to say.

Anyway - the most important thing is to keep writing, re-write, look at other people's work here, see what you like, don't like and develop your own voice and style.
|
'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#3
I'm curious to how you feel about this piece...do you like it? Have doubts?
As a beginning songwriter myself, I know how tempting it is to want to share ideas. I want people to know what I'm thinking and I want advice on how to improve; obviously, you feel pretty much the same way.
But I've found its better to wait. Lead an idea to completion, then release it to the world. By then it'll be something you can be really proud of, instead of being unsure.
But, as Herr Hararr said above: write, write, write, and you will improve.