#1
Looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism please.

Ideal vocal patterns would be fast-paced, similar to old punk-influenced thrash metal or maybe an SYL feel... when Devin was pissed the fuck off! Kinda new to writing lyrics and I know they're kind of "juvenile" lyrics- I'm not writing lyrics to epic black metal here. Nature of the song is SUPPOSED to be offensive and "on the attack." Just wanna see what people think of rhyme schemes and word choice I guess. Anyway, here goes...

Verse 1:
I spit venom
I've nothing nice to say
Yeah, fuck 'em
I've got an acid tongue
Mouthful of razors
I gotta watch what I say
You'll get cut on my words
So get out of my way

Chorus:
I've got an acid tongue x 3
And Goddamn it fucking burns

Verse 2:
It'll melt your flesh
You're so offended
My gloves are off
I'm done pretending
Am I coming on strong?
Or are you just weak?
Is it really so wrong
To just say what I think?

Verse 3:
Fuck you, you faggots
I am not P.C.
Won't wear the orange jacket
Marked D.O.C.
I'm not a criminal because I don't like you
Go find your safe space before my words cut you

Repeat chorus

Bridge:
I've got razor teeth
To bite down and make you bleed
You'll feel the fire
From my iron lung
Like the scorching heat
Of a storm on the sun
You've been burnt by my acid tongue
#2
I'm on my phone - so it's near impossible to critique properly! Thank you for posting - you should only get constrictive criticism here and if you think it's not, argue your point - it's about having a discussion.

So...i read the piece first, then your intro, and then the piece again. So the song flows fine (except the safe space line), the rhyming works (although it is inconsistent, in verse one its lines 1&3, 6 & 8, in verse two it's 2&4, 5&7, verse three it's 2&4).

I never listened/played metal (and I'm 31) until about 5 months ago, when some new friends asked me to join their band as rhythm. They only play covers, which gets very boring to me - so I tried writing lyrics - I found it near impossible to write lyrics for fast aggressive music that were either fast and aggressive enough or not over-complicated, too flowery or too subtle.

With this in mind I think you've been successful in what you've set out to achieve - it's indoubtedly aggressive - the use of fuck and faggot ensure that the listener/reader will know the tone. It's very blunt, it goes against a lot of what I preach (show, don't tell), but there's imagery in there (the prison jumpsuit, solar storm) and you've held the metaphor of acid throughout.

Again, normally I'd push for greater explanation, context - but this is rage, which isn't subtle, which doesn't need expanding. The part that could be expanded (for me) is the concept of being offended, the right to offend.

Right, sorry it's a bit rambly - difficult when cant see the lyrics the whole time, damned phone.
Thanks for posting - now critique a couple of pieces in the forum abd you'll get more responses!
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#3
it's pretty good if you're planning on joining Five Finger Death Punch.
If there is a God, it's me.
#4
Quote by qrEE
it's pretty good if you're planning on joining Five Finger Death Punch.

Do you have anything else to offer, anything about the actual writing?
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'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

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#5
the only real constructive criticism I can give would overhaul the thing entirely, because the rhyme scheme of "ABCB" personally, I think that rhyme scheme makes *every* song sound worse. Most rhyme schemes make the lyrics sound like limericks, like something rudimentary.

I disagree with the content of the lyrics but even if I did agree with it, using phrases like "you're so offended" and "Go find your safe space before my words cut you" serves to undermine the point. The point of the song is "you dipshits are too sensitive", and making the lyrics too direct makes them become ironic. Complaining about someone's insecurities doesn't reflect any better on the person making the complaint, because it makes the lyrics come across as insecure as well.

If the end goal is to make "too PC" types look bad, then the lyrics should be a little more vague (Devin's lyrics on City or Alien are a prime example of angry yet vague lyrics), because making the meaning too obvious makes it come across as more whiny.

I recently wrote a song with a similar theme to "acid tongue", and a similar name too, because I had said something that offended a person I was dating and she left me. Rather than writing it like "oh fuck you for being so sensitive", I wrote it from a self-deprecating perspective, with the end goal of saying "hey, you're just another in a long line of loved ones who abandoned me, so don't expect me to feel any sympathy for you."

The goal of the lyrics here is to offend? I guess? Going on the offensive, imo, either needs to avoid unintentional irony at all costs, or needs to embrace irony and make it intentional.
If there is a God, it's me.
#6
Lead with that response! It's insightful, it is constructive (you don't like the rhyming but you're able to explain why) and you clearly took the time to read the piece properly.

Rhyming is the toughest thing to get right, and that's the skill of it. You know it's bad if you can predict the next line.
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'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

Do me a favour, pop into Songwriting & Lyrics and add a comment to one thread, any thread, but contribute.

----

www.soundcloud.com/christobaldo
#7
I guess I kinda knew the rhyme scheme was a bit predictable... Ive written lyrics before but never on a consistent basis or for a band. Right now I'm stuck in Alaska and don't have a guitar or anything so I'm just trying to be creative with what little I have.

I was watching Seinfeld and Jerry used the phrase "you've got quite an acid tongue," and I thought, "that's a cool song title!" So I just came up with a few verses in about 20 minutes.

I'll see what I can do to make it a little more interesting. Thanks guys.