#1
I was just thinking like, crazy shit happens all the time but no one ever believes you unless you have receipts. But what if you don't have any, yet it's totally true?! So this thread will be about crazy stories that no one believes but the one rule is they must be REAL and everyone else must accept them as REAL. K here's mine:

Late 2011 I was going to an art school in North Carolina. I had to go to WalMart for supplies for a production so I drove there and found a parking spot over on the side. I wanna remind you that this is totally fucking true. I ACTUALLY WENT TO WALMART.

No but really...I got out of the car and I just heard this girl shout at me and I turned around and this fucking chola bitch had a piece aimed at me. I was fucking frozen like you tell yourself in hypotheticals you would do some superman shit but I was dumbstruck. She said a bunch of stuff and eventually I realized that she was mad because when I pulled up I knocked a bottle in front of where she was walking. Like it's all a twilight haze but she ordered me to come pick it up and I walked towards someone pointing a gun at me like wtf.
I was totally out of it and she was just saying shit to me but we ended up walking up to WalMart together and then her friend (?) pulled up. She kept talking to me but she was all smiles now and then she handed me a piece of paper with a phone# on it and I was like wtf is happening. I legit thought I was on TV or something. She drove off and I just paced around WM in a haze.
She was a Colombian bitch w/ a huge ass I was torn between hitting her tf up and reporting her to the police but I ended up doing neither cuz I got accepted into BDC NY not long after.
Moral of the story: even if a girl is so mad at you that she's pointing a gun at you, if you shut up and listen to her she will be attracted to you.

Like I'm making this thread cuz I want to shitpost but this actually happened and it's really surreal recalling it. Idk this is the only thing that's happened to me that I can definitely understand people not believing.
i see your girl
G A Y
she leavin wit me

F O R
I'm playing wit her booty
in the back seat
M A D D E N
#2
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#3
^^^that's it you're banned from my threads you better hope u don't see me in the hood or it will be the last thing you ever see
i see your girl
G A Y
she leavin wit me

F O R
I'm playing wit her booty
in the back seat
M A D D E N
#5
Quote by imspazzen
^^^that's it you're banned from my threads you better hope u don't see me in the hood or it will be the last thing you ever see

Just when we thought the pit was getting boring
#6
don't talk to him Ali
i see your girl
G A Y
she leavin wit me

F O R
I'm playing wit her booty
in the back seat
M A D D E N
#8
nigga im like 12 ft tall I will fade ur ass from half court with my grand jete
i see your girl
G A Y
she leavin wit me

F O R
I'm playing wit her booty
in the back seat
M A D D E N
#10
Quote by imspazzen
nigga im like 12 ft tall I will fade ur ass from half court with my grand jete

bitch you about 2 inches tall on my screen
#11
Once, I managed to convince a girl to have sex with me without money. I'm still unsure of how it happened

Quote by chrismendiola
Everything The_Blode ever says.
YUP
Quote by EndTheRapture51
who pays five hundred fucking dollars for a burger
#12
Quote by imspazzen
^^^that's it you're banned from my threads you better hope u don't see me in the hood or it will be the last thing you ever see

If you can actually find a way of enforcing this you might actually have a story mildly worth telling in this thread
A poem.
Quote by yoman297
no girl, movember isnt for you. shave your stache pls

I can out-bore you any day
#13
That story was completely believable. Anything can happen in the states and it usually does.
#14
Quote by imspazzen
nigga im like 12 ft tall I will fade ur ass from half court with my grand jete

If I kicked you, you would fall down. .....


You stupid fucking bastard
Come back if you want to
And remember who you are
‘Cause there's nothing here for you my dear
And everything must pass
#15
True story - So I'm in my dorms at college, we each have individual rooms within a mixed gender flat. I wake up in the middle of the night - really late like 2am - and bedroom door is wide open and my flatmate (a girl) is staring at me with this psychopath gin, watching me. I come round enough to ask her what f*** she's doing/what's going on, and she just stares at me. I then insist like 'wtf are doing?' - And still with this psycho grin she says 'oh sorry' and walks out of my room.

The next morning I leave early to have breakfast in a coffee shop somewhere to avoid seeing her over the breakfast table, but when I see her later that evening she says 'hi' like nothing happened I then ask her like 'wtf was last night about?' but she said she didn't remember a thing..
Last edited by RajjaJroach at May 8, 2016,
#16
Quote by i_lovemetallica
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams


Jet fuel cant melt dank memes.
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
#18
First thing I have to say is that you are REALLY lucky that she did not shoot you dead. A lot of folks here seem to forget that.

Now my unbelievable story. I used to work in a forensic Psychiatric group home. These are people who murdered people and were deemed to be "Not Criminally Responsible."

So one day I am sitting in the office alone. This patient walks in and shuts the door. He is holding a 14 inch butcher knife. I cross my arms over my chest. He stares at me and tries to stab me but he can't get a "clear shot" due to my folded arms. So he gives up and walks out.

I sit there, heart pounding like crazy. I look outside the office door and notice that he is gone. So I shut the door and lock it and then call the police.

When the cop arrives, he seems all non-chalant about the situation. I guess he thought that we were dealing with a kid. So I tell him that this is a 50 year old guy who murdered one guy and spent 20 years in prison for psych patients and that he stabbed at least three people while incarcerated.

The cop suddenly gets scared and says, "Where the hell is he now?" I tell him "I don't know," So he calls for support.

About 20 minutes later, the tactical squad arrives. They enter the house with guns drawn and slowly approach this patient's bedroom. They break down the door and take the knife away and "hog-tie" him to to the mattress and haul him away to the Remand Centre. He is charged with attempted murder.

Shhhhheesshh! I could have been killed. My mom was so scared that she told me to quit that job immediately. I finally did resign about a year later.

ron666
#19
Quote by RajjaJroach
True story - So I'm in my dorms at college, we each have individual rooms within a mixed gender flat. I wake up in the middle of the night - really late like 2am - and bedroom door is wide open and my flatmate (a girl) is staring at me with this psychopath gin, watching me. I come round enough to ask her what f*** she's doing/what's going on, and she just stares at me. I then insist like 'wtf are doing?' - And still with this psycho grin she says 'oh sorry' and walks out of my room.

The next morning I leave early to have breakfast in a coffee shop somewhere to avoid seeing her over the breakfast table, but when I see her later that evening she says 'hi' like nothing happened I then ask her like 'wtf was last night about?' but she said she didn't remember a thing..

Maybe she was sleepwalking? Either that or filming the latest Paranormal Activity.
#20
Quote by DardySon
Maybe she was sleepwalking? Either that or filming the latest Paranormal Activity.

See I thought sleep walking at first, but the fact that she made eye contact with me and replied to me questioning her 'wtf are you doing?' with 'Oh sorry' makes me doubt it..
#22
So - from a "Scary a different way" position.

I had recently given up on stand-up comedy outlet when I realized that crafting wordplay and amusement about the shit that really bothers me was detrimental to my mental health. The next week, I went on a family trip to the Florida gulf coast. Chicago to the panhandle is about 16 hours on the road. After that period in time, showing up around 5pm on the second day, I wanted nothing to do with my immediate family.

The roads spoke off the main drag along the coast and are lined with condos, hotels, and gas station convenience stores. Naturally, we're staying at the one about 2 miles from the drag.

Not having a car, I slowly make my way to the end of the row where the watering holes and tourist traps are. I find a block of a few liquor licensed establishments. One was a gent's club, one a dive bar, and one a tourist trap. The dive had a "live entertainment" fluorescent sign on. I shouldn't have taken bait.

I walked in, scooted up to the bar, and a very androgynous bartender pulled up to greet me. I order, inquire about the live entertainment, and type-cast the bar. Bartender said that they leave the mic open all the time, sometimes people do things, but it's usually pretty dead.

What do people usually do?

"We have a guitar in the back. It's good enough to hold thru a song. Some nights we have karaoke."

Ever have anyone do stand-up?

"You're a funny-man?"

I used to believe so. I kinda gave it up about 2 weeks ago, but I could be persuaded...

"How much material do ya have?"

Usual sets are 5-7 minutes. Seems you want to negotiate...

"10 minutes gets ya 2 pints."

Done. Let me just get lubricated and piece together a set.

I went up, did my first 5 minutes without issue. Finished the 10 minutes. Did an eleventh, a twelfth, a fifteenth, and excused myself at 16. Turns out the bartender didn't realize I was relying on him/her to signal my time.

Sat down at the bar, ribbed the bartender over it semi-playfully, and took my first drink. As she dropped the glass, this nice little blonde girl sat down.

"Hi, you're dPrimmy? Awesome! I'm Robin. You're a really funny guy. My mom named me Robyn because......." and I'm a terrible person and I completely stopped listening. She continued on, I finished my drink, offered to buy her one.

"Sure, soda water."

I order, listened to her continue to talk about herself and the barkeep set the drinks down. As hers hit the bar, I cut her off and asked:

I have to ask, why seltzer?

"I'm trying to get pregnant."

Instantly the 45 year old man to my right side became THAT much more interesting and begrudgingly became involved in the conversation the (now) 3 of us were having. She ended up getting the message and peeled off and sat next to some other guy. I thanked the dude for helping me dodge Robyn and bought him a round.

I wish this story were over.

No sooner than Robyn vacate, did this petite 4'something" 95 pound stacked to the gills spaghetti straight brunette pop into the chair to my left.

-Hi, I'm dPrimmy. You may remember me from... 10 minutes ago when I did 17 minutes of stand-up.

"Hi, my name doesn't matter, you're not from around here anyways."

-Interesting way of looking at it. You ordering seltzer water like Robyn?

"Who? No. What you're having. You shoot?"

-Tequila?

"I can do that."

Ordered 2 tequila shots, and a drink for the each of us. As the keep turns around, the girl whips a 20 out of her top and asks the bartender to add 2 shots to the order.

I do one of my typical toasts....she clinks shot glasses together properly. I figured I'd found my lady of the evening for the week. I lift my beer to casually chase the shot and I see something pure out of a horror movie.

She took the first shot, lifted it to her face and threw it down her throat while lifting the 2nd shot. First shot turned upside down and was slid into the well. Second shot made contact with her lips, emptied, and was on its way to the well as the third shot made its way to her mouth. She's now got the 3rd shot to her lips and her hand is going for her beer. She puts half of her beer down her throat and sets the glass down on the bar.

-Are you fucking insane? Is there something I should know about? I mean...I'm at least 100 pounds heavier and over a foot taller than you! I can't even drink like that and I'm genetically predisposed to have wallet crippling tolerance for the shit. What the fuck just happened? Are you trying to prove something? What are you trying to do?


She looks at me in the eyes, smiles, flicks her eyebrow and ...

"Trying to get pregnant."


I did the only thing a guy can do in that situation.


I waited for all that liquid to make its way through her, watched her all the way to the lady's room, threw $50 down on the bar to cover any outstanding tab, and ran the whole fucking way back down the strip.


There's 3 things you never should do simultaneously. Be drunk, run, and text. There are 2 bushes and a young palm tree on the boulevard that will likely never forgive me.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
#23
Quote by RajjaJroach at #33962762
See I thought sleep walking at first, but the fact that she made eye contact with me and replied to me questioning her 'wtf are you doing?' with 'Oh sorry' makes me doubt it..


tbf I've had full conversations with people in my sleep, my dad has the same problem. We don't sleep walk, but if someone comes in and talks to us while we're sleeping we will wake up enough to respond to basic questions, but will not remember anything. Its pretty infuriating at times

sleep is weird
Eat your pheasant
Drink your wine
Your days are numbered, bourgeois swine!
#24
Quote by Bladez22
tbf I've had full conversations with people in my sleep, my dad has the same problem. We don't sleep walk, but if someone comes in and talks to us while we're sleeping we will wake up enough to respond to basic questions, but will not remember anything. Its pretty infuriating at times

sleep is weird

Yeah I have a friend who doesn't sleep walk but he sleep talks and I've had basic conversations with him during sleepovers when we were younger. He can't remember any of them though.
#25
^ That is weird; I didn't know that was possible with sleep. Hopefully that was why, and not anything more sinister!
#26
Quote by Banjocal
Once, I managed to convince a girl to have sex with me without money. I'm still unsure of how it happened

YUP


They are pretty easy to convince once they are post op