#1
Haven't posted anything in a really long time.. this is just an OTS from two hours ago


Sadie with the long hair
she haunts my dreams
I've told her so many times
that life is not what it seems
but she reads and she reads
she reads and she reads
someday that girl
will outsmart me

She says what we need
is a tragedy
to show us what our love
really means
so she watches me with those
Holy blue eyes
and for all my talking and drinking
she knows I'm terrified

So we wait for the night to grow still
listen to the moon tell us this is God's will
I wait for the change in her breathing
and tell myself there is nowhere else I'd rather be

If only a man could have his way
I'd take Sadie and drive for days
we wouldn't listen to what the moon has to say
Because with Sadie and her books
She'd show us the way

Sadie with the long hair
She used to haunt my dreams
Until I did something right
and watched her grow old with me
Oh that girl always looking for her tragedy
I bet she never thought she'd find it
Buried deep inside me
#2
OTS = On The Spot?

The first verse left me a little cold (on first read) - mostly for dreams/seems , but I really liked the repetition of reads over the two lines. The last couplet feels like it will be prophetic for the rest of the piece.

The second stanza is outstanding - I love the contextualizing of love, the use of 'Holy' is superb and unexpected and I like the vulnerability of the author in the final line.

The third verse has a nice idea to it - the change in her breathing is her falling asleep? I'm not sure about 'God's will' and the line is a little forced to fit the rhyme. The last couplet is a great example of painting a picture rather than just describing it (by the first half we understand the second).

For the fourth verse I'd maybe consider taking out the name Sadie - using it twice overemphasizes it a little. The moon allusion has me a little confused now - what is it saying?

So I like the wrap up of the final verse - but it could do with a little more background - what is the tragedy, how did she find it? I also feel like we just skipped to the end - a bit deus ex machina - I did something right - is the right thing watching her get old? It's all a bit too open for me.

It's a good piece, with narrative, there's some great imagery in there too - thanks for posting
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#3
I remember you.

OTS did used to mean on the spot. Good old days when we had to distinguish that for whatever reason.

"but she reads and she reads
she reads and she reads"
Eh.

The outsmart thing may have worked if it tied into another part of the piece a bit better. A la "holy" eyes (which I liked). Unless I am missing that? I missed it, at least.

I also didn't really feel a connection with the books-bit as a theme even though you opened with it in such a way that I felt like it should have permeated the piece, but didn't, really.

Everything else was cohesive enough, but I keep coming back to what the hell was the point of the opening stanza? Tragedy coming back around at the end was a nice touch, and was constructed well, but the rest... didn't jive with me.

You also flopped between name dropping Sadie and then referring to her as "that girl" in a manner that I didn't quite follow. Were certain parts emphasis? Tense dancing? Felt like there was a reason.

Think that's enough nitpicking. Something talked to me in this, at least!
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#4
I enjoyed the openness of the narrative--I don't have to know what the narrator did right, I'm just glad he/she did it!
Probably, this is a story that takes place over years, if not decades, and I like the jump in time. It's unforced and uncommon in most lyrics I've read. Effectively done.
I've reread it several times and can think of nothing to criticize, really. Is there a recording of this song you could post? I'd like to hear it in context.