#1
I'd given up on life
Lord knows I tried
Cold steel upon my tongue
Then everything went grey

No reason to lie
There is nothing left to hide
My true colors are shining through
And my soul's been draped in black

Through my Third Eye
I've already died
One color to stain this world
is the deepest shade of red

I feel no more hurt
Buried 'neath the dirt
Insects feast upon my flesh
I am one with the soil

Reap the seeds I've sown
In a world below
Reach for the light above
Never-ending skies of blue

But there's no Redemption
No Resurrection
The path to Hell
They say Is paved in gold
That's just another lie
A false sense of hope
There are no colors here
Just the truth that was never told
Last edited by guitgrinder at May 10, 2016,
#2
Alright - an interesting concept. Overall I feel the theme shaped the piece a bit too much (almost in the way a bad rhyme scheme can....forcing it too much). I like the fact that in your rhyming it's fairly loose, meaning that it doesn't really fall into that trap.


I'd given up on life
Lord knows I tried
Cold steel upon my tongue
Then everything went grey


Nice set -up, although the second line seems a little unnecessary - in fact you could rework these two lines to show the last thoughts of the author before pulling the trigger.


No reason to lie
There is nothing left to hide
My true colors are shining through
And my soul's been draped in black


Again - maybe a bit more depth - what lie was the author telling/hiding, but it functions as it is. I know that you're going with a theme, but the last line is incredibly Goth/Emo - a tad cliché.


Through my Third Eye
I've already died
One color to stain this world
is the deepest shade of red


I had to look up 'Third Eye' on wikipedia, so that's my ignorance! What's the significance of the red? Is it as simple as blood, or is there a more important reason for choosing it?


I feel no more hurt
Buried 'neath the dirt
Insects feast upon my flesh
I am one with the soil


Hurt/Dirt is a bit cheap. I think the last two lines could be expanded, the idea of returning to the Earth.


Reap the seeds I've sown
In a world below
Reach for the light above
Never-ending skies of blue


This one makes the most sense to me in terms of color - it doesn't feel forced, it ties in nicely. I like the judgement element - the seeds / actions in life.


But there's no Redemption
No Resurrection
The path to Hell
They say Is paved in gold
That's just another lie
A false sense of hope
There are no colors here
Just the truth that was never told


It's a good conclusion (if somewhat bleak!). I would consider shortening the last line (possiby 'Only truth never told') for better flow. I like the tone of regret and almost irritation - if you're going to hell you might as well have been rich on the journey. It's good use of structure, there's a very clear ending to the piece, rather than the feeling of just running out of things to write about.

Overall I think the thematic elements could be a bit stronger - a bit more clarity on the colors. I very rarely say this, but maybe it could benefit from another verse (or two) to give more context on colors before/after. It is a good piece of writing though and an interesting take on a subject sadly we will all encounter.
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#3
Thanks for the feedback... everything I've been posting have just been 15, 20 minute writing sessions, so there are certainly some loose ends

Though I think what feels "emo" to you feels more Gothic Death Metal in my head, maybe just the deepness and slow pace I'd imagine it would be sung in.

I'm not a fan of the Lord knows I tried either... sounds like a Country lyric :/

Again, great advice. Probably won't rework this one though... I'm aiming to just write a few pieces a week and kinda just leave them as they come out, but using this as a means to practice the lyrical writing craft
#4
It's a nice peice, I feel one thing that you could evolve with is some more, less known imagery words. I can say in some of my older writing I used the same exact words.
That's kinda how things go though, it's something that comes with time.

I'm interested to see what else you come up with

And also, it takes a lot of courage to post work on a website with a bunch of hypocritical idiots. (myself included) we all think we know what is best, but really writing is for you. You don't have to listen to a word I say.