#1
I parse the new place like a stanza;
spot the errors, fix the flow, read the meter.
We'll call it home. Not with one of those
cheap shabby-chic'd signs that spell it out
for guests and visitors. But in our secret language
of sly eyebrows and cunninglingus. We spent
the gift cards on bedspreads, wine, big jam jars
for our high-fibre cereals, our brown pasta and rice.
It's an exact science, co-habitation. Or that's my early
observation - the forces meticulous, recalcitrant,
incandescent. Life on Mars would study it with
telescopes dangling in the atmosphere. The winds
linger on past the moment, the breezes pulling and
pushing the comparisons through the rooms like
dust riding on the back of radiowaves. I relent -
our romantic endeavours surely outweigh the position
of where the candles flicker, when the blinds shut, the
colour of the salad spinner. I look up for that sign
that says, 'No Place Like Home'. The chalk has smudged.
I'd better start on dinner.
#2
Love it.

It's almost self-indulgent but manages to stay on the right side of the line. I had to look-up 'parse', which is a great word (and of course, utterly appropriate). The shabby-chic line is exceptional.

When I was reading it I was speeding up, speeding up and then I love how mundane the last line is - I feel like I'm in your head, getting carried away on your train of thought and then suddenly the practicality of real life has interrupted it.

Anyway, like I said, loved it.
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'....even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked...."

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#3
This was really enjoyable man, I felt it. You established a close-relationship with a partner that has a playful "Us vs them" vibe in just a few lines which is cool.

My only criticism is that "meticulous, recalcitrant, incandescent" words jar a little. They feel a little bit cold and scientific (which I get might be tied to the Life on Mars/telescopes bit) but their significance feels a little reduced amidst all the homely, personal and human language preceding it.

Just a thought though. Might just be me. I still really liked it
Last edited by Bag'ed at May 10, 2016,
#4
Nice work. It almost feels like it's channeling George Carlin in the way in the stream of consciousness goes.
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#5
I think how it is a giant paragraph (this might not be intentional) kinda represents the constant flow and business of The moment.

Nice writing

I also always enjoy a little sexual word shoved into writing.
#7
Quote by BluePaintCult
Man I'm so glad you're still here


Hope you're well BPC

Cheers all.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 19, 2016,
#10
Quote by Grovermans
Holy shit, you're still here?

Awesome.


Holy smokes, BluePaintCult *and* Grovermans in the same thread. Guys we got ourselves a proper shindig.

EDIT: Literally just looked it up, I posted on your second-to-last S&L post, 8 freaking years ago. We were just wee boys back then.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 14, 2016,
#11
Oh, how much has changed over eight years.

In actual relevance to the piece, I loved it. Clearly more mature than what you wrote so many years ago. I liked the use of "cunninglingus". Nice little play on words there.

I just want to sleep forever.


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