#1
I didn't do it

You picked me up,
I had a while to wait.
forgotten about the change
I was going to make.

For a second a flash keeps playing in my mind.
Your climaxing face an innocence left behind.

I blink and shake
back to the safety of your car.

You're fully clothed,
as you always are

A slender body walks into my room.
Lust on his face, his sweat is perfume.
I'm intoxicated now I cannot resist.
Look up to the ceiling, I ball up my fists.
The faces you make as I bend and twist

I need to stop thinking this way.
the things I wish I could do.


I feel like I have been quite active lately (I've had a lot on my mind)
Last edited by Stirups at May 11, 2016,
#2
Great first line, draws the reader/listener straight in -

My interpretation of this was it's from a hooker's point of view, she wants to hurt someone, she doesn't -am I right?

I really like this piece, there's so much inferred from what's *not* said. I particularly like the fists/twist rhyme, it fits well, the rhythm is perfect.

The only improvement I could suggests is maybe the ending - I'm not sure, possibly add a couple of lines (what they actually will do), or maybe a repeat of the first line. I don't know - that's for you.

Anyway, like I said, I really enjoyed that.
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#3
In agreement with the first line.

In 2nd and 3rd reads, I found myself wondering why you're switching voices. your first verse is referencing events that had happened, and the balance of the piece is in present voice. I don't know that the switch back and forth adds to this.

4th read has me wondering if this is a story being told from 4 perspectives. A john, a woman of the night, and her bodyguard - clothed as he always is.

And I'm not sure I understand the ending - is that the woman of the night questioning her desire to continue using her body?


I did really enjoy this. It leaves your characters in enough of a shell to be anybody while bringing the listener into the moment.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance - Confucius
#4
It's actually not about a hooker, but I can see how it seems so now that I read it over.