#1
I lead you again into my hole.
My manipulative language I cannot control.
I think of another when your face is above mine.
Someone else is in my head when you come from behind.

What caused this?
Where did I go wrong?
I thought things were going well,
That my judgement was strong.

The one I care for he is so close we could kiss.
I can see in his eyes the shades of mist.
His golden curls reflect the light.
He is a god to me.

Open my eyes and see someone else above.
A darkened iris I crumble to the touch.
Course brown strings hang into my face.
Your sweat smells of lust
And bitter decay.

I cannot let this happen.

My god walked me to my door today,
He stood on my porch with a look of desire.
With a look of love.

I never do anything about it,
But I really should.
#3
Quote by Stirups
I lead you again into my hole.
My manipulative language I cannot control.
I think of another when your face is above mine.
Someone else is in my head when you come from behind.


Immediately I'm against the rhyme scheme because you're messing with your syntax to make it fit (the whole second line)


What caused this?
Where did I go wrong?
I thought things were going well,
That my judgement was strong.


What would make this stronger would be some answers to this - to save space maybe one question and then an illustration of the answer (showing, rather than listing)


The one I care for he is so close we could kiss.
I can see in his eyes the shades of mist.
His golden curls reflect the light.
He is a god to me.


This is an odd one- I'm not sure how I feel about it! I like the Romantic style - golden curls, etc, I also like the reverence - it feel s a little different in tone to the rest of the piece. Not sure about shades of mist.



Open my eyes and see someone else above.
A darkened iris I crumble to the touch.
Course brown strings hang into my face.
Your sweat smells of lust
And bitter decay.



The contrast form the previous verse is well executed - the 'coarse brown strings' could do with some refinement, but I get the point.


I cannot let this happen.

My god walked me to my door today,
He stood on my porch with a look of desire.
With a look of love.

I never do anything about it,
But I really should.


Not sure about the ending, a little anti-climatic - also, I'd like a bit more motive/narrative.

Anyhow, good reading, as always.
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