#1
Daddy had this place
Out in the pines
A rundown cabin
that now is mine
When we moved in
We didn't have a thing,
just a few bags of clothes
and a wedding ring

The first time I hit her
I couldn't believe
how easy it was
to make someone bleed
Then I did it again
over something she said
and I ain't ever stopped
I got this thing in my head

(Chorus)
I took her down the same gravel road
that Daddy took Momma down years ago
Through washed out places
and sticking briars
There ain't much warmth from a hungry fire

She doesn't talk to me much anymore
I don't want her going out, so I lock her door
I tell her she's pretty, but she won't believe
I want her to listen, just listen to me

(Chorus)

Daddy had this place
Out in the pines
A rundown cabin
that now is mine
I hope I can fix it,
all that is wrong;
If not, I'll know
I'm just my father's son

--------

I appreciate the pointers given on my original posting of this song--I've enjoyed revising it, and I believe the song is much stronger now.
#2
Well done for going back to it - it can be a tough thing to do.

It feels much more structured and certainly a stronger piece. I like the newer verse, particularly the repetition of listen.

As before it's a strong ending - 'not my father's son'.


Good job
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#3
I always have problems coming back to my old pieces and improving them - never works. You did really good, I like the last line of the first Chorus; the whole piece is very easy to visualize. I really enjoyed it.
#4
This is a really great piece. I think the setting of the cabin really sets the mood of "this woman is all alone with her husband and it's not a good thing"

Taking his wife out to a secluded place the whole "listen to me." wanting to be the only thing in this woman's life. You really captured the crazy. Good job.