#1
i see her:

a sly, 
surreptitious smile that
cuts you eastern to western,


               
arms  
       (herself, leaning on the bathroom vanity,
        hands sketching out the topography-

                          a mascara roller in the east,

       contour brush in the west,
  
  
  
  
                    
deftly- root stamping,
multimasking)
  
  
  
  
  
       apply amber liner, 
                           shades of black matte

       for cartography lips,
                           maybe moonlit 
                           saturday kisses
  
 
  
  
  
i see her again, 
following her smile, a legend;
its directions:

 
arms,
splayed wide; body parallel
              south. like a
   cut-crease of indigo;
              crimson drips raining on the linoleum.
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 23, 2016,
#2
"sharp" seems redundant. why "would"? when everything else here is a statement? feels like this could all be bolder, the cut and the splayed contrast is good though, would like to see you build more, more conflict between the eastern + western, or defined harmony, awareness of the text i guess.

"arms" in isolation is effective, is the first line just as a mirror of this? would say you dont need it, or, need to bring the "i" and "her" back in later on.
#3
doubtfulsalmon

thank you for the crit, i made some edits. i'm not sure what to think about them yet. the directionality seems pretty contrived now... if i can't location and culture the shit out of it somehow i might ditch the idea, eh..
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 21, 2016,
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