#1
you sit there in silence with a vacant stare
questions swim in my mind, I'm scared
the air gets colder as words cross your lips
I feel like I'm falling as I lose my grip

swirling and swirling I can't gain my feet
from a love that I thought was so concrete
where do we go from here, I'm lost
maybe next time you will think of the cost

and all of those years, you ripped them away
by careless actions taken along the way
just stop for a minute and think of me
holding onto yesterday
I'm holding onto yesterday


I only wish that we could go back in time
flip the world on its axis and shift the rhyme
write a new piece of verse as future fades
but my love always comes in spades

certain things I thought would break us apart
get changed when you're there, remember the start
I thought I lost what holds me together
clinging to hope that we will last forever

and all of those years, you ripped them away
by careless actions taken along the way
just stop for a minute and think of me
holding onto yesterday
I'm holding onto yesterday


you are still my world, my sun, and my stars
no galaxy distant could keep us apart
this life is a song, we fill up the bars
time heals all wounds, even my heart

and all of those years, you ripped them away
by careless actions taken along the way
just stop for a minute and think of me
holding onto yesterday
I'm holding onto yesterday
Last edited by lilcurtis at Dec 1, 2016,
#2
i think this needs a thread of imagery linking this throughout, jumps between "concrete", writing as metaphor, to space/time. each one touched in so little detail doesnt offer much new, or individual, unfortunately. would like to see you strip this down to just one area of metaphor, take it as far as you can, like show yourself as much as possible. who are your favourite writers/lyricists? worth reading and listening and really paying attention, sometimes imitation is helpful too, to feel round a new idea or whatever.

its hard to feel round the the chorus of this without delivery or melody, but i think the pacing is a bit off, you lock into a flowy rhythm for a short while, then cut it with the repetition in the last line, seems quite middle ground - what about making it shorter and more dynamic, as more of a hook, or longer with a bridge type thing leading in .