#1
Well I’m sitting outside the store, watching goonies pass me by
Stone brick Mama’s in sandals, gooey Papas in fries
Distracted min-wagers stacking barbies in an endless supply
Students on perfume and new graduates trying on ties
Coupon warriors put the kids to school, and let out war cries
On happy discount day I see adults demystified
The tucked away carnie, hiding terrified
First we got Black Friday, how long till the Fourth of July

Those Yankees, conquer and steal
Local business torn in a star spangled windmill
Red and white, slash a bit of blue
Uncle Sam knocking on my door say “Hey how’re you”

Well I’m sitting in the backroom stretching out my toes
Countdown to liquidation, watch the whole place decompose
Vultures swooping from the lookout, eyes on grocery and clothes
From the ashes of retail, another landmass arose
Now their ambition it’s shattered, bull’s eye in the shadows
Hot dog grease drips, as chains fall like dominoes
Yankees vs. Mets, the red and blue expose
In the end we lose again, another grimey demo

Damn Yankees,back at it again
Burnt another building with the slash of a pen
Red and white, drop a bit of blue
Uncle Sam knocking on my door say “mind if I come through”

Well uncles in the den, screaming about the game
We gotta love the Maple Leafs, even if victory can not be claimed
I watch Gretzky skate, I do not feel the same
As the beer gutted countrymen, who set Vancouver in flame
But if you blondies where to ask, you know that I’d proclaim
Don’t put syrup on my pancakes, I think Tragically Hip is lame
But I thank Geddy Lee that I’m hung from this white spruce frame
And if you ask me about Tims, you know I would exclaim
Last edited by PoptartHero at Dec 15, 2016,
#2
This was a fun read. I'd like to read this with more careful punctuation. Couple of things:

"their ambition is shattered" sounds a lot better than "their ambition it's shattered"

Also, these two lines:
"In the end we lose again, another grimey demo"
"And if you ask me about Tims, you know I would exclaim"

sound a bit too forced. Both demo and shadows don't really rhyme as well as the rest of the stanza, and it kind of shows. As for the last line, ending up with "exclaim" is a bit bad because it kind of requires that you exclaim something, which you don't.

Just a couple of things that I think could be improved. But, all in all, these are pretty well written lyrics, and you have every reason to be proud of this one.
#3
Oh ya, that does sound better, I've only been writing lyrics for...a year or so. I'm not too bold with my lyrics so I tend to hide real meanings behind silliness. I was inspired to write after listening to Bob Dylan, I never thought I could write before hearing the likes of "Tombstone Blues" and "Stuck Inside of Mobile". Thanks for commenting!