#1
Your poison running down my cheek.

Maybe it's the way he is rasied?
Lowering a hijab
With each kiss
And every touch.

Everyone told me to stay away
But your dark eyes were a mystery
A story to be explained.
He told me of foreign lands
Khurdistan and his village,
his brothers United.

I haven't built any trust.
but if there's one thing I can do
The more I give the less I know
I'll just keep on lying to you.

He's changing his mind.
There's unstable ground,
Sinkhole friendly
I'm racing around.

He smells like success,
My hands fumble.
I'm encased with his toxins,
I've become petrified wood
laid out on display.
I swear the same thing is always on my mind.
Last edited by Stirups at Dec 25, 2016,
#2
i'd like to see you play with the arabic theme a little more. maybe build the setting a bit more around it, including specifics- (quality of) locations, objects, cultural qualities that are unique to that particular region. potentially, you could also slip in details about the musician referred to in the title itself- the quality of his music, voice, dress, etc.

i think you could remove "metaphorical"; its function would be the same, if not even more effective in a cultural sense, and it would also put you in a setting rather than removing yourself from it. on a quick search, theres some also some info you might be able to use on "hijab culture" here: https://www.al-islam.org/hijab-muslim-womens-dress-islamic-or-cultural-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/why-hijab (arguments about "oppression" notwithstanding)

i feel like you could also eliminate 'maybe it's the way he is raised', and combine that stanza with the first line. i think it would flow better that way and give more continuity to the image you are describing.

"the more i give the less i know" in regards to trust is an interesting observation. i like it. also "he smells like success" is great, especially when considering all of the different implications of scents that it implies, not to mention the implied distance between you and the other person.
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 22, 2016,