#1

on empty stomachs, vodka and rum filled the clouds.
the houseparty rumbles with gossip: he-said-this, she-said-that
about who-knows-who during who-knows-when...
   
closely in his ear, a weatherman reports severe weather impending;
the voices grow louder.
   
   
   
   
   
   
then
   
   
   
   
   
   
fists like lightning 
bolts thunderclaps on the
table disintegrating
objects on the
wall split-open
cheeks and other 
fractured 
bones,
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
blackout.
Last edited by Dregen at Dec 22, 2016,
#2
I'm not too big on the first two stanzas of this, particularly this segment: "he-said-this, she-said-that about who-knows-who during who-knows-when...", but everthing following "then" is incredible. In such a short moment you create such chaos with words, which seems to be what you were aiming for. I like how it contrasts with how neat the beginning is, but I think it ends with an impact so big that makes the beginning kind of redundant how it is. I feel it needed more meat to take the punch that you blow with the ending.
#3
Nix the long line breaks, fragment the firs stanza for aesthetic reasons. That's about all I could say. The rest is rather good
#4
I like the construction. The long lines in the beginning make things mundane-slow. the spacing builds suspense. the short lines move severe-storm-quickly. I'm sure Hitchcock would approve.

Nice metaphor. And spot-on moral to the story: i.e., Eat before you drink.