#1
I stole a tiger's heart;
I held it in my hand.
Felt it's teeth on my forearm.
They wrestled for control.

"Let go or I'll break it," Said the tiger.
"Let go or I'll break it," Replied myself.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#2
i feel like this could benefit a bit more by drawing out the battle here- why you stole the tiger's heart, how you got your hand in it's mouth, the feeling of the teeth on the forearm, the feeling of the heart on your hand, etc.

also, for some reason, i read the usage of third person in line 4 ("they", instead of "we"), along with the repetition of the same statement in the last two lines as implying that the tiger and the person are both the one and the same. i don't really know how i reached this conclusion however, maybe it's because i'm trying to see the tiger symbolically more than literally. if that's what the intention was, perhaps make it a bit more clear somehow, although i think keeping it somewhat ambiguous would be beneficial overall. if not, then this point is moot really and i apologize.
Last edited by Dregen at Jan 17, 2017,
#3
It was a quick bit, not as thought out as it could have been. I'm definitely going to follow the direction of your feedback to flesh it out, though. Many thanks!
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#4
i crashed in the jungle.
ribsnap upon bark pillars,
skull-bared and bonepained.
sling and swath armor,
I could not walk,
so I shambled.

I admonished my frailty,
become acquainted to my mortality,
stretched to wrists towards my borders,
and I could still see my fingertips.

I befriended the hunter,
ate what she fed me,
rewarded it's nourishment
and taught it dependency.
I recovered well and yearned humanity,
I built her a cage to take her with me.
newfound impasse; expressor and censor,
I thrust forward a hand and claimed my momento.

I stole a tiger's heart;
I held it in my hand.
felt it's teeth on my forearm.
they wrestled for control.

"let go or I'll break it," said the tiger.
"let go or I'll break it," replied myself.



Dregen
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by JustRooster at Feb 6, 2017,
#6
Quote by JustRooster
i crashed in the jungle.
ribsnap upon bark pillars,
skull-bared and bonepained.
sling and swath armor,
I could not walk,
so I shambled.


the imagery here is concise and clear. the only part i'm not really fond of (contextually anyways, i like how it sounds personally) is "sling and swath armor", particularly swath. it's unclear to me what exactly it's saying- a noun being used as both a verb and/or an adjective? to "sling and swath"- my armor is discarded in the clearing. "swath armor" - the clearing is my armor (implying perhaps, a feeling of being exposed, that there is no armor, or- nature is now my armor).

i think something like "sling the armor into the swath" would be more clear, however it loses the double entendre, which i'm also not fond of. i'm sure you could find a better way to go about it, i think some careful phrasing might be able to provide clarity and retain the meaning.... i've tried typing up a few potential examples, but they all split the meaning and lean it one way or the other. maybe it's fine as is and i'm just looking at it too much.


I admonished my frailty,
become acquainted to my mortality,
stretched to wrists towards my borders,
and I could still see my fingertips.


the main fix here i'd like to emphasize is changing "become" to "became" to maintain past tense.

once again, good imagery. i like the last two lines particularly in context, because it elucidates the head injury mentioned previously ("skull-bared"). after a head injury, i'd assume you'd have dizziness, vision problems, etc. it also indicates a time frame in which these events in the narrative occurred, although i'm not particularly certain how long after a head injury that you would have these symptoms.... soonish? anyway,


I befriended the hunter,
ate what she fed me,
rewarded it's nourishment
and taught it dependency.
I recovered well and yearned humanity,
I built her a cage to take her with me.
newfound impasse; expressor and censor,
I thrust forward a hand and claimed my momento.


another minor fix here: changing "momento" to "memento" (in all honesty i didn't even know it until i copypasta'd and the spellcheck flagged it lol)

the image of getting a tiger to trust you enough to let you put it in a cage is thought-provoking, especially given the last two lines of this stanza to the final stanza. there's a theme of power and domination lurking around here. maybe the impasse isn't necessarily just between you and the tiger, but a one of a personal nature- trust and friendship vs. power and braggadocio ("expressor and censor", "claimed my memento" as a remembrance of said power [the dependency])


I stole a tiger's heart;
I held it in my hand.
felt it's teeth on my forearm.
they wrestled for control.

"let go or I'll break it," said the tiger.
"let go or I'll break it," replied myself.


this is where the distrust and trickery culminates itself. it's getting a bit complicated here, because obviously, one or both of them are lying. it also shows the narrator's determination to claim said memento- fighting against a set of tiger's teeth digging into the skin. i'm left wondering if introducing "I stole a tiger's heart" early on is a sort of foreshadowing to how the story ends.

does the stealing imply that he already has it, or that he simply holds it at the time being? the usage of past tense works here because it obfuscates it in a favorable way. if it was written in present tense, you would have had to choose between keeping the verb as "stole", or making it "steal" (or modifying the tense of the proceeding statements accordingly). of course, in present tense you could just keep everything in that same tense to emulate this function, but i feel it would lean toward 'holding' the heart, instead of 'having' it, because present tense would read more like one action happening after another- firmly establishing a chronology instead of the more reflective quality that predominates past tense.

final notes: great imagery and clear story. what seems fairly straight-forward is not without its nuances and little details, which makes this poem what it is. it flows well and is filled with colorful language. good work
Last edited by Dregen at Feb 21, 2017,
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