#2
There's a problem that some of your tracks have in that they don't tend to have a cutting tonal center. It's more of a trait of current-version math rock than your actual writing ability but it's still there. I call it 'Yvette Young syndrome' cuz all of her material has the same problem.

Second track is better because you use something simple like the lydian mode to add a sense of actual progression into the riffs.. Bar 38, for instance, is the only thing I really remembered because it has a clear and easily identified tonal center.

Don't scrap these but really making them shine would be beneficial cuz at the minute, they feel a little too much like you're taking from your influences and not injecting some kind of personal spark.

As a favour, can you check out my song pls

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/redirect/post?p=34346704
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
#3
I see what you're saying and I've had that problem for a long time (before these songs) and I'm not sure how to overcome it. Part of it might be attributed to how much these open tunings give away for free (although for Sleep that's a weak excuse since it's standard tuning). I haven't listened a lot to Yvette Young although I see where you're coming from.
#4
The key is just to listen to something far removed from the genre you're writing in and identify what they're doing that makes their songs make you go 'wow'. Know what inspires me to write metal? Jazz piano and chinese instrumental music.
This is a big part of it too: Always make sure your bassline decides your root note, working as a bedrock for your chord movements. Try some more standard, tried-and-tested chord patterns and adjust to taste. Also get into using more maj7th chords, they're like musical sugar candy to a listener.

I wouldn't really know what to suggest for you in terms of new influences, that's probably up to chance and what your preferences are. However, just to contradict myself, I'd recommend some things that might help:







(I really recommend listening to the entirety of this if you haven't before, it's a treasure trove)


(also really recommend this version, it captures the true emotion of the composition)
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
Last edited by EpiExplorer at Feb 25, 2017,
#5
Ok, I also did something cool and destroyed the bass line, re-wrote it from the ground up and did some very minor tweaks to the guitar track to make this intro way more memorable. All I did was focus the root notes into a repeated pattern, so it goes E E D A, E E C# C and that's just repeated twice. Oh and made it riffier, I guess.
Attachments:
SleepRemakeSample.gp5
o()o

Quote by JamSessionFreak
yes every night of my entire life i go to bed crying because i wasnt born american
#6
Dude Sleep is so good. It feels happy, but not in a corny way - it just feels like the song of someone who's genuinely content with life. Maybe that's not your goal with it at all but sometimes I see weird things in music. Chords are really nice, the rhythm alternation between the fast tapping and slower arpeggios in the chorus is a cool dynamic, and it just has a good atmosphere. Did you face it is also a fun and catchy effort but I guess the chorus in Sleep caught me more.

Only thing I would say is at the very beginning of the intro in Sleep, transitioning from the hard syncopation in bar 1 to the chorus theme is kind of odd. The rhythms in both don't really match. It sounds a little better removing the rests imo. But I know your pain because writing intros can be really awkward.
#7
reminds of This Town Needs Guns

sleep:

focus on making it... catchier? it all feels like the notes are just sliding into each other, which is a nice effect but i personally think you should break it up a little and add some more repetitive areas where the rhythm and melody are defined and clear. i think Epi's advice would be particularly helpful in adding a sense of progression. however, looking at say, bar 4, the bass is playing alot of root/in-the-chord notes, and the guitar is as well (w/ more variation) from what i see, along with the synth. so i think your problem is less that the chord progression isn't really defined, because you're playing within the chord constraint, but that there's no rhythmic interest (the occasional 16th notes are nice, however).

i know you have some repetition- but even within that, maybe add some breaks in between notes and such so as to define those different sections more clearly. did you face it has lots of rhythmic interest- varying between eighths, sixteenths, rests, etc- more phrasing, you're creating more of a theme with your notes rather than letting them move wherever they please. but that being said, still play with Epi's idea ALOT- i see what he means with the more defined chord progressions in "did you face it" by comparison.

did you face it:

much stronger sense of progression going on here. the chord movement in this one are a lot stronger. it has the catchy chorus, with lots of phrasing, while you've got the breaks where the notes sliding in and out of one another nicely. i noticed your lower notes of the guitar's phrases are playing the root notes of the chord progression, instead of going all over the place. focus on perhaps taking that element to the last song and use that to tie in with Epi's advice.
Last edited by Dregen at Mar 11, 2017,
#8
I'll have to piggyback off of EpiExplorer with regard to Sleep. I enjoyed Sleep, but I definitely understand and empathize with the idea that the song is a bit monochromatic. The issue of "sameness," so to speak, is endemic of the genre. Your songs are pretty easy to listen to--the time signatures aren't jarring and neither are the note choices. Structurally, Sleep, like the other songs that I've listened to from you, is solid. My main issues are that the tonal center isn't strong and that there isn't enough variation in the verses for my tastes. As Epi demonstrated, a lot of that could be changed with the bass. I'd personally also change up some of the chords in the verses to add some color to the song without totally changing the character. For example, at bar 26, I'd probably throw in C# and E (at 11 on the D string and 9 on the G string) in place of the chord that you have in there. Also, I think that the "chords" section could be extended. You can play with more chords in there, and also change up the rhythm of the bass a little. 

Basically, my recommendation is pretty much the same as what has already been said by Epi and Dregen.

If you could, I'd appreciate it if you could review the last update on my song Eclipsed. There should be a link in my signature.