#1
We Toast Our Fate To Drunken Gods


There's a statue of a god with a rabbit missing a patch of hair
From tricking frenzied sharks over some island affair
"Bathe yourself in the waters and dry yourself upon this rock"
Said the god to the hare, hair heretofore bare, nary a lock
This is the tale of Hakuto-jinja, a fabled shrine
By a windswept beach where boredom must've been divine
For such a harebrained plot to become so revered
That any tourists at all still bother to visit here

Japanese deities are odd gods with drunk, twisting mythologies
Parched, riding carps, chasing tigers and dragons throughout history
Booze enough to keep them happy, and when damage is done, let them sleep in
But whichever god made you is the kind I'd like to believe in

Everywhere, it's slatted windows and abandoned sea shacks
Traffic passes in lame-legged laps with broken hubcaps
Hotels with hopeful names are overrun with overgrowth
Bicycles in weedy yards armed with jutting and rusted spokes
Population's been winding in steady decline since the dawn of time
A twilight ward of sultry sand, dead kelp, driftwood, and brine
Come for the dunes and then stay for, well, whatever
The local tourism board has long given up on being clever

The sea spray makes a rainbow and forms a halo around you
A morning dew goddess in jeans, islands in the background view
I wish to be swallowed whole by either water or tepid sky
Floating along one another with you in this ether of spirits wide
See, the rabbit repaid the god's advice with a new wife
A romantic gesture, and for all three, a new life
A forgotten matchmaking site where longing gets a renewal
A spark of vitality in a town stuck in a constant funeral

Rabbit, rabbit, your debt is paid
Waylaid in waves but standing staid
We toast our fate to drunken gods
And hope our marriage beats the odds
Gods, gods, drunken sods
Bored with power, ye lightning rods
For passions pure and immature
Bathe us in your light, azure
I am a fake mountain.
#2
I like the meandering and the "hare" woven throughout.
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#3
 I really like most of your imagery and word choices, but I need this needs a bit of work in terms of rhythm and flow. It's really odd on some parts.

" Said the god to the hare, hair heretofore bare, nary a lock " - this line ( which I love btw )

 " Japanese deities are odd gods with drunk, twisting mythologies
Parched, riding carps, chasing tigers and dragons throughout history
Booze enough to keep them happy, and when damage is done, let them sleep in
But whichever god made you is the kind I'd like to believe in " - This whole stanza has a completely different rhythm from the rest of the piece, but I'm sure it's intended. I have the feeling "Enough sake" would be more fitting than "booze enough".

" Population's been winding in steady decline since the dawn of time
A twilight ward of sultry sand, dead kelp, driftwood, and brine
Come for the dunes and then stay for, well, whatever
The local tourism board has long given up on being clever" - This part. I'm not feeling the "well, whatever" as well. It's just a weird choice on such a detailed work.

" See, the rabbit repaid the god's advice with a new wife
A romantic gesture, and for all three, a new life " - this part as well

They're really broken in terms of flow, or I may not be reading them properly. I really like how complete this feels as a tale and again, love the imagery.
#4
Thanks for the read and commentary again! I never had a golden flow, and much of what you're saying is the criticism I'd lay upon myself.

The stanza starting with "Japanese deities" is meant to be a chorus, so that's why it doesn't follow the same linearity of the verses. And aye, sake would be more fitting but perhaps a little too obvious.

The "well, whatever" is an intentionally boorish toss-off, but if it doesn't work, well damn.

That last part, I agree completely. I know what I want to say there but have trouble doing so eloquently, and so it comes off disjointed. The only thing it really has going for it is the little internal slant rhyme of "advice" and "wife." Hm.

Thanks again!
I am a fake mountain.