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#1
Dear Sirs/Madams,

I live in a semi-basement type apartment, and because it's below street level, instead of just being drained away, the water from the showers and toilets on my floor needs to be pumped up a bit before it goes away.
As I was walking into my bathroom just now, I noticed there was a layer of water standing in my shower and not draining away. This is because sometimes the pump gets clogged, and I know that to be true because this has happened several times already this year.

Now, the reason the pumps keeps getting clogged is because someone in my building keeps flushing their bloody* tampons and shit** down the gosh-darn diggity toilet.

*interpret that how you like
**that too


So I come to you for help. I need 1) a way to figure out which lousy excuse of a human being is doing this, and 2) a plan for murdering them.

I won't be needing to cover up the murder. I'm perfectly happy to admit to a court that I did it and explain why. I'm fairly confident they'll understand completely.

Thanks in advance.

Sincerely yours,
Someone who would really like to take a shower right now
#2
Why murder

when you can make said human being eat their tampons and shit
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#3
Quote by Wolfinator-x
Why murder

when you can make said human being eat their tampons and shit

Well, I guess our ideas aren't mutually exclusive. In fact, we might have a solution for 2.
#4
not gonna lie i would just move but if you do want to go ahead and murder him/her i would suggest kidnapping them, tying them up in your basement and then force feeding them tampons
#5
@Bestie
Just put a sign up inside the entrance of the apartment where the notice boards and resident lists are usually located.

"This is an official warning for the tenant who is flushing their tampons and blocking the sewage. Please stop immediately or face a fine and/or eviction".

That'll stop her, or frighten the shit out of her so much it'll block the pipes, so I don't really know what you should do.
#6
Quote by UltimateGuizar
@Bestie
Just put a sign up inside the entrance of the apartment where the notice boards and resident lists are usually located.

"This is an official warning for the tenant who is flushing their tampons and blocking the sewage. Please stop immediately or face a fine and/or eviction".

That'll stop her, or frighten the shit out of her so much it'll block the pipes, so I don't really know what you should do.
This is actually a good post
You are now using UG Black.
You are now using UG Classic.


Listening to: New York Voices, as well as the new Vulfpeck record (fuck it's so good)


You throw like a girl. A girl who is great at baseball and has a fiery passion for the sport.
#7
tbf, I should add that my landlord is pretty cool and usually has this stuff fixed in an hour or two (even at night/on weekends). He also reminds people not to be morons, but there's way to tell who the actual moron is unfortunately.
#8
Quote by Wolfinator-x
This is actually a good post

Indeed. Though I would suggest as an alternative text -

"OK, whoever is flushing their fucking jam-rags down the cludgie

If you cut it out now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look  for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I  will find you, and I will kill you. By choking you with your own fucking used tampons, ya cow.

Seriously, were ye raised in a fuckin' barn?"
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#11
Is it a house with multiple units or an apartment building?
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#12
Quote by ultimate-slash
I live in a semi-basement type apartment


stopped reading right here
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#14
Quote by snipelfritz
Is it a house with multiple units or an apartment building?

It's one building (used to be a bank) that was converted into multiple apartments.

Not a room in a shared apartment/house, if that's what you're asking.

Quote by k.lainad
stopped reading right here

It's not my mom's basement ok
#16
Quote by snipelfritz
Does someone live in the safe?

No, but it's pretty cool, because they didn't actually do anything with the vault.
So you have:
Someone's front door
Someone's front door
Massive vault door
Someone's front door

well, now that I think of it, maybe someone used to live in the vault, and maybe someone still is in the vault, but it's doubtful they actually still live in the vault.
#17
There's probably a g-g-g-g-GHOST!
BOOM-SHAKALAKALAKA-BOOM-SHAKALAKUNGA
#20
Quote by UltimateGuizar
You should bring a qt in there and have safe sex

I'm both extremely happy that you made that joke and extremely sad that I've lived here for a year and a half and that joke has never once occured to me...
#22
Quote by snipelfritz
There's probably a g-g-g-g-GHOST!

I bet it's just Old Man Withers, the owner of the abandoned amusement arcade.
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Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#23
what if there was like gold or bags of money in there and they just forgot about it 
#24
You should murder the person responsible by shoving their head down the toilet until they drown/suffocate, after filling it with tampons and shit
If you aren't sure how to find the culprit, just murder everyone in the building  
I have nothing important to say
#25
Quote by JackSaints
just murder everyone in the building  

You're right, seeing as justice needs to be dealt, this seems like the fair thing to do.

I always pride myself on being completely unreasonable, but fair
#26
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i barely even know her dog
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#27
burn the building to the ground.

it'll be Biblical.

they flooded your basement hovel ( ) like GOD flooded the earth, so you burned down the whole apartment just like GOD will burn the whole earth in the next few years.

praise be His name.

really though, talk to the landlord and see about having official notices posted about it. i had sewage back up into the washing machine once and it was fucking disgusting.

inb4 jakesmellspoo jokes
mugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmugmug
#28
When you do find them I suggest a slightly more passive aggressive course of action
Get a pack of tampons and dip them in red paint, tie them in a bunch and hang it above their door
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#29
Slit their throat and fuck the wound
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#30
Find them somehow, and strike up a conversation. Bond with them. Develop feelings for them. Tell them that you love them. Marry them. Have kids. Grow old. Then one day when you guys are both 80 something, slip a suicide pill in their drink and say "That's what you get for clogging up the bloody pipes!" Then run away with the kids. Unless you wanna abandon the kids... that's a viable option as well.

That's what I would do.
Last edited by kalops at Jul 22, 2017,
#31
Leave an anonymous but respectful letter in their mailbox about how this affects you negatively and ask them politely to stop.  


Then stuff the mailbox with shit and used tampons. 
#32
Quote by ultimate-slash
No, but it's pretty cool, because they didn't actually do anything with the vault.
So you have:
Someone's front door
Someone's front door
Massive vault door
Someone's front door

well, now that I think of it, maybe someone used to live in the vault, and maybe someone still is in the vault, but it's doubtful they actually still live in the vault.
I'd pay good money to live in that vault.

Nobody would ever be about to steal my shit and it'd be fucking awesome.
You'd never need a dresser or anything, just put all your stuff in the safety deposit boxes
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#34
I don't want to be an accessory to murder. They already know my name. D:
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#36
Quote by Ichikurosaki
is this guy really complaing about people flushing shit down the toilet wtf do you do with yours

Wait, you don't pick your turds out of the bowl before flushing?

Guys! Take a look at this one!
#37
Quote by Ichikurosaki
is this guy really complaing about people flushing shit down the toilet wtf do you do with yours

Sell it to a company that makes cheap hamburgers.
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Don't go ninjerin nobody don't need ninjerin'
#38
Jeez, dude. That's really graphic. I suggest you take all the tampons out using gloves and at the entrance to the building make a pile out of them and then stick a sign there saying exactly what's been happening and ask the culprit respectfully to stop. 

Believe me, the tampon problem will stop. 
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#40
Quote by kalops
Find them somehow, and strike up a conversation. Bond with them. Develop feelings for them. Tell them that you love them. Marry them. Have kids. Grow old. Then one day when you guys are both 80 something, slip a suicide pill in their drink and say "That's what you get for clogging up the bloody shower!" Then run away with the kids. Unless you wanna abandon the kids... that's a viable option as well.

That's what I would do.


Also, instead of slipping a suicide pill in their drink, just slip in their bloody tampons.
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