#1
ppencil-thin 
freckles like
sttippling /
an unthinking 
ssmile / a laugh
rrounded like
yyour
cheekbones (wwarmest when
)ccasually tossing your
curly amber hair 
to the sside.


/                     

  
yyoga pants. 


/


(shshivering
)in the chilly                
morning bbreeze / the 
ssunrise making your 
autumn eyes
appear dewy like /
the kkentucky bluegrass
furling / bbetween your
toes.    


/

           
pperched on the park 
bench / wandering gaze / 
wwondering how /
the oldest evergreens
never quite ppierce
the 
ssky.

                             
/
 
               
ambling hhands,                         
ththumbing /
through a copy 
of Dirrs,


/


the way            
you ccross your
thighs / wwhen
you ssit i-

  

  
  
 
pperhaps
it's not 
what you 
say.
Last edited by Dregen at Sep 18, 2017,
#2
This captures the shivers well, though it might come across as a gimmick. The details are there, and the stuttering makes sense as you read it. My only complaints are that gimmicky feeling and tinge of creepiness throughout.
I am a fake mountain.
#3
Quote by DanTheHobbit
This captures the shivers well, though it might come across as a gimmick. The details are there, and the stuttering makes sense as you read it. 


i sort of agree with you there. i figured the "/"s were the gimmicky part though, trying to make it something more than it is. i originally had some different formatting going on to make it more... quote unquote experimental, sort of deaden the gimmick by make it part of a functional unit instead of just thrown in for effect - which ultimately it was as you've described. doubtfulsalmon critiqued one of my poems that was supposed to display the shyness/nervousness and said that it wasn't there basically. then i had this stuttering idea and threw it in. i'm still drafting this, though i haven't really had the time to iron it out and play some more.

My only complaints are that gimmicky feeling and tinge of creepiness throughout.

i'm sorry if you feel it's creepy. i don't really see it personally, though read aloud it permeates. perhaps that's the writing, perhaps it's just people's image of who i am as a narrator. my last poem i posted here was intensely sexual - but ultimately self-aware - so i thought maybe it wouldn't become something of a taint, rather an exploration of thought.

anyway, my vision of what's okay to say and what's not has always been fucked ("yyoga pants", second to last stanza). in that regard, i'm not afraid to write about anything, including motives and thoughts in regards to sex that people deny themselves because it's not an "okay" thing to think, even though there's no action behind them besides fantasy.

i see it as a romanticized observation, you see it as crude voyeurism bordering on obsession. the least i can do to comfort you is that this poem is not real- there's a real person buried under the fake, hypothetical situation, but the person is heavily modified and i am aware of that.

i'll give you a crit in a few days, most likely tomorrow if everything goes ideally.
Last edited by Dregen at Sep 20, 2017,
#4
Different perspectives. That's all. Don't take my words as personal, but rather a reflection on what's been presented in the piece. That's ultimately all there is to go on, even when sourced to the same writer.

Crit when you can. I can't expect anything at this point.
I am a fake mountain.