phpn00bf4life
Why give up?
Join date: Jul 2005
225 IQ
#1
Crit for crit...what needs work, what doesn't. (if you leave a bad comment, leave some good comment to keep me feeling good lol)

This is a revised version of something posted earlier


Intro:
Bass:
g:9---9---9---------------------------
d:--7---9---7-9-7---------------------
a:------------------------------------
e:------------------------------------


Rythem Guitar Hops In After Bass Intro:
E(x4)
Bass:
g:-------------------------------------
d:2-----2------------------------------
a:--2----------------------------------
e:----3--------------------------------
Am(x4)
Bass:
g:2---2-------------------------------
d:--2---2-----------------------------
a:------------------------------------
e:------------------------------------
C#(x2)
g:------------------------------------
d:4-7---------------------------------
a:----7-5-----------------------------
e:------------------------------------

!~~--------GUITAR 1 RIFFS--------~~!

Verse:
  E                  Am                 Bm
e:--2---------------|5-7---------------|7-----------------
b:------------------|----5---5---------|--5---5-----------
g:2-----2-----------|------7-----------|----6-------------
d:----2-------------|------------------|------------------
a:------------------|------------------|------------------
e:------------------|------------------|------------------

Chorus:
  E                  Am                 Bm                 C#
e:--7-9---9---------|7-5---------------|------------------|9-------------------
b:5-----7---7-------|------7-5---------|7-5---------------|--7-9---9-7---------
g:----9---9---------|----7-------------|----9-------------|------9-----9-------
d:------------------|------------------|------------------|--------------------
a:------------------|------------------|------------------|--------------------
e:------------------|------------------|------------------|--------------------

!~~--------END GUITAR 1 RIFFS--------~~!

!~~--------BASS RIFFS--------~~!

   C#    Am   Bm   E
g:|9----|----|--7-|9---|
d:|-----|7-9-|----|--7-|
a:|--9--|----|9---|----|
e:|-----|----|----|----|

!~~--------END BASS RIFFS--------~~!


E
When school is done,
Am
I'm just gonna have fun,
Bm
Me with you tonight
E
It's so alright
Am
Let's hold true to love  [ -- Hold Love till 6th syallable-- ]
Bm
With the summer above

E
Can't wait for summer days now
C#
Hold on too me as we go
Am           Bm
We'll drive, we'll drive away

E
My klick and I
Am
Don't know why
Bm
I see me and you
E
Holding hands being true
Am
I can't wait for summer to come
Bm
I hope it last too long
         Full Band:  Ohhhhh

E
Can't wait for summer days now
C#
Hold on too me as we go
Am              Bm
We'll drive, we'll drive away


Outro:

We'll drive so far

We'll drive so far (Full band comes in after 2nd time, repeat to fade)

BigFatSandwich
occasional poster
Join date: Apr 2004
1,451 IQ
#2
Lyrically it's very very simplistic. Reminds me a lot of what a band like Simple Plan would do. And I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that to be honest. Keep writing... you'll only get better.

Also, for future reference, you had a couple spelling errors....

Hold on too me as we go
I suspect that may have just been a typo... but it should be "to" with just one 'O'

My klick and I
It should be spelled "clique"

Other than that, though.... not bad. Just keep writing.

As far as the music part of it.... I dunno. I'm too lazy to crit that.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
acrocks
blank space
Join date: Dec 2004
257 IQ
#3
yeah the dude above is right lyrically it is very simple and also it is very simplistic riffs i mean you've got to liven it up a bit cos to be prefectly honest i found them a tad boring, but hey if you work on it, add in a couple of cool licks, add a bit of musical tension it should be pretty cool
check out mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=276457
SouthernRoCkGoD
Riff Writer
Join date: May 2005
443 IQ
#4
i really dont write too many lyrics so im not really in a position to comment you on that
so the the guitar!
its simplistic but it does have a poppy feel
its rather repetitive though but you solve that by coming up with a bridge and or a guitar break to spicen things up
what uve got is alright the bass is good i think for the feel of the song
just add a little bit to make the guitar a little less monotonous and uve got ure self a pretty good song
keep it up
looking for a tempory internet band
pm me
les_paul_01
UG Freak
Join date: Dec 2004
400 IQ
#5
i liked it. it was pretty simple (not an insult) but who says good songs can't be simple? same goes for the lyrics. keep writing!
Quote by T.S.R.
what?
if i were a midget...id go masturbate in public because...hey, im a midget and i can get away with anything


Quote by yawn
I heard Hitler was a pretty good guitarist back in his day...


Quote by guitar?
You're a towel.
badnflunz
yay
Join date: Mar 2005
168 IQ
#6
i like the guitar
didnt really pat attention to the lyrics
any way
nice work : )
phpn00bf4life
Why give up?
Join date: Jul 2005
225 IQ
#8
Quote by SilentDeftone
Just after the bass intro, are you sure you want an Em arpeggio in the bass when the guitar is playing E major?

-SD



Okay, call me a noob, but what do you mean? (I really am new to musical theory, etc.)

So what would you recommend, perhaps you could give me an example?
SilentDeftone
UG God
Join date: Jul 2003
1,731 IQ
#9
Rhythm Guitar: E(x4)
Bass:
g:--------- [u]Note[/u]
d:2-----2--   E
a:--2------   B
e:----3----   G
The notes E B and G make an E minor triad (chord), while you have an E major chord playing for the rhythm guitar part. An E major chord has notes E B and G# - the G and G# are only a half step apart, and may sound dissonant (clash). If you want that, by all means use it .

Examples of G and G# played
at the same time:
e|----------|
B|----------|
G|--0-------|
D|--6---6---|
A|----------|
E|------3---|


-SD
NovemberRain273
I don't like Guns n Roses
Join date: Oct 2005
5,451 IQ
#11
yup, pretty simple. try adding more life to the guitar though, but maybe its just me. gj

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=281746
Alta Vera - My real life alternative rock band.
Ashen Spire - My personal metal band.

Super Mario, F-Zero & Dragonball Z covers!

PSN: whatev27

Let me ask you, does a machine like yourself ever experience fear?

hthedinga
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2005
1,536 IQ
#13
Way to code the tab correctly.

Someone mentioned errors, I actually found some more:
Rythem ----> Rhythm
n0obs ----> beginner
crit ----> criticisms

For something with bass and guitar, you might think about doing this song in powertab. That way people will know the rhythm of the song and how it sounds.

Others have said that the lyrics are simple, but they still like them. I agree that they're simple, but don't like them. They're really not worth much. The song seems to be about school being out, a girl, your clique, etc. That's the worst part, talking about your clique. You probably wouldn't listen to my suggestion of completely reworking the lyrics so I'll just tell you how I'd improve them. Don't have so much rhyming and don't talk about your little clique. That's about all I can say without being really offensive.

As for good things to say, they're not a whole lot. Those mean bass riffs could sound pretty rad, or they could sound like dripping taint sweat, it's hard to say without hearing them. Back to the bad stuff though, your name is terrible. I can't stand people using "n00b," especially overusing it.

Way to admit that your song needs work.

There you go; a compliment sandwhich.
olif8
UG's. Y'know. Person.
Join date: Jun 2004
134 IQ
#14
Quote by hthedinga

crit ----> criticisms
I can't stand people using "n00b," especially overusing it.



Actually, I believe that its critique, n00bzor lOlZzZz hAxXoRrZ!!!four!1!!




Anyway, the bass riff's I'm digging, although like Def said, you should have a go at playing an Em chord over the first section of the thing.
hthedinga
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2005
1,536 IQ
#15
Quote by olif8
Actually, I believe that its critique, n00bzor lOlZzZz hAxXoRrZ!!!four!1!!




Anyway, the bass riff's I'm digging, although like Def said, you should have a go at playing an Em chord over the first section of the thing.


Wow, I don't understand where that comes from or why people still think it's cool.
Danny7
Eating Only Apples
Join date: Jun 2004
550 IQ
#17
Haha, the comicallity of this argument has completed distracted my attention away from the mediocre, generic song you've written.
Once We Were Anarchists
hthedinga
Registered User
Join date: Nov 2005
1,536 IQ
#18
Quote by olif8
Because you touch yourself at night.


Ok turdbag.

Quote by Danny7
Haha, the comicallity of this argument has completed distracted my attention away from the mediocre, generic song you've written.


Haha.