streetcarp19
Rumah Sakit
Join date: Jan 2003
1,176 IQ
#1
These are very structured lyrics for me, so i hope you enjoy the change of scenery...

***
Sun-dial prophesies chiseled from the weather long ago.
Re-routing entire streams, in-between the cliffs that you decide.
Concerned, I am not, with what order seasons are to flow.
Cause leaves falling from green trees is between you and I.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws.

Stars are only light bulbs that need changing every month.
The moon reveals the day as the wolves howl at the full sun.
White caps of desert sand go crashing into distant bluffs.
I'm sure you wouldn't mind if this is the way it really was.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws,
or wings...
or wings...
or wings..

It was the caves that opened up and let us in.
Cascading glacier-ice falls, scrapes, and breaks sliver thin.
Is it safe?
Is it safe?

Safe to create this world where we will never live.
Where moon-sets streak and full sun's rise over snow-capped peaks.
we can only pretend
only pretend...
pretend.

Showers from an open sky
It's still dry beneath us.
Lava fights and birds that fly,
without any beaks or claws,
or wings...
or wings...
or wings..
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Dec 8, 2005,
tsp
el diego
Join date: Jan 2005
828 IQ
#2
ye this si really good. i like the sort of constant tranfered epithetic kind of thing you keep through out - relating nature to people/people to nature. I agreee; similar style to me, so i can relate.

great stuff, well done
www.freewebs.com/silentproject
HendrixEdge
absolute bastard(s)...
Join date: Jan 2005
185 IQ
#5
Great imagery, subtle use of an expansive vocabulary and a chorus that has substance yet is still easy on the ear.

Congratulations, I doubt there's anything I can tell you about this piece that you don't already know.

Peace.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at Nov 30, 2005,
Grovermans
.. / .- -- / --. --- -..
Join date: Jan 2004
2,846 IQ
#8
that was really good.
the flow seemed weird in some places
but that's really not a problem.

I just want to sleep forever.


streetcarp19
Rumah Sakit
Join date: Jan 2003
1,176 IQ
#9
Quote by Grovermans
the flow seemed weird in some places
I agree, and that is what I usually sacrifice when I write really structured lyrics.
IamJonsCranium
Alpha Man
Join date: Mar 2004
506 IQ
#11
last call? are you deleting it?

very good song. i would like to hear the music you put to it. love the conflicting imagery

showers from an open sky. its still dry beneath us. good line.
what
streetcarp19
Rumah Sakit
Join date: Jan 2003
1,176 IQ
#12
No, no, not deleting it, that was just a shameless way to bump it, I suspose.

But thanks for the comment, and the music will be something like The Red Sparrows song, "Our Happiest Days Slowly Began to Turn into Dust," if you would like to download and listen. I would leave a link, but I haven't those capabilities at the moment.
SilenceEvolves
woof, woof
Join date: Jul 2004
1,664 IQ
#13
This is a bump right now. Edit in a comment later.

Stars are only lights bulbs that need changing every month.

There is something amiss with this line. Mainly, "lights" and "bulbs" should not both be plural.

Safe to create this world where we will never live.
Where moon-sets streak and full sun's rise over snow-capped peaks.
we can only pretend
only pretend...
pretend.


For some reason, I just didn't like this bit.

I'm sure you wouldn't mind if this is the way it really was.

This line didn't seem to fit with the piece at all.

Cause leaves falling from green trees is between you and I.

I think it'd be "are" rather than "is." I also think it'd be "me" rather than "I," though I guess that'd ruin your rhyme.

Concerned, I am not, with what order seasons are to flow.

I think this just sounds artsy for the sake of sounding artsy. Why not just say "I am not concerned...?"

It was the caves that opened up and let us in.
Cascading glacier-ice falls, scrapes, and breaks sliver thin.
Is it safe?
Is it safe?


Last but not least, something seems awry with this bit too. The wording just didn't make sense to me.

Overall I loved the imagery and stuff, but you just seemed to, uh, try too hard to make it seem artsy in a couple places, and made routine mistakes in others. It was great, though. Good work. Nice change in pace from your normal stuff.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Dec 7, 2005,
Efferri
www.remainsnameless.com
Join date: Oct 2005
10 IQ
#14
As a poem, I think this is really well written. I like how you ventured out with the structure too. As a song, (in my opinion) I think it would be a little hard to follow. Unless you are the type to look up and study lyrics to songs (which I admit, i do sometimes hehehe)

Excellent work man, I hope to see more from you.
SilenceEvolves
woof, woof
Join date: Jul 2004
1,664 IQ
#16
No, you always leave. You just come back a few weeks later. I edited in a critique up there.
Buleh Weeni!!
Banned
Join date: Dec 2005
10 IQ
#18
IT"S FULL MOON AND SUN SETS you ****ing jerkoff. how about you go back to school your ****ing third grade drop out sore excuse for a homo sapien. **** HOMO SEXUALS!
streetcarp19
Rumah Sakit
Join date: Jan 2003
1,176 IQ
#19
Quote by Buleh Weeni!!
IT"S FULL MOON AND SUN SETS you ****ing jerkoff. how about you go back to school your ****ing third grade drop out sore excuse for a homo sapien. **** HOMO SEXUALS!
Hey man, thanks for your honesty.
robert_smith
dimebag is forever
Join date: Mar 2004
287 IQ
#22
im liking this....lots of big words and a lot of cool imagery

"Stars are only lightbulbs that need changing every month"

i LOVE that line

keep it up dude
MoTiV MASCOTS


MOLLY Da cOOL cAT
DIXIE The dAMEnTAd DoG
SiLLy SCRUFF DaNgERoUs DoGgY
And dont forget Hamish's bro,Finlay!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry, it was too hilarious to miss...
Helub Eineew!!
Banned
Join date: Dec 2005
10 IQ
#23
Wow, I agree with Robert SMith, this is probably one of the worst pieces of **** I've ever read in my life. Maybe if you'd kill yourself you'd have something more interesting to say!
robert_smith
dimebag is forever
Join date: Mar 2004
287 IQ
#24
^ ignore this guy
MoTiV MASCOTS


MOLLY Da cOOL cAT
DIXIE The dAMEnTAd DoG
SiLLy SCRUFF DaNgERoUs DoGgY
And dont forget Hamish's bro,Finlay!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry, it was too hilarious to miss...
hippy12
Stop watching me Dan.
Join date: Oct 2005
405 IQ
#28
i really enjoyed this piece. you are definatly one of the best writers on here. but i think the chorus could of been a lot better if worked on, it just wasn't as great as the rest of the song, don't get me wrong, it was good but not at the same standard.
themarsvolta
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2006
2,487 IQ
#29
First of all thanks for the crit. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was very heavy on imagery and I liked that. It painted a vivid picture in my head. Like I said, ther language was great and the flow was good as well. I really don't have anything wrong to say about this piece. Anyways, nice job and keep up the great work.