#1
Alrighty guys heres a new one, i saw someone make an attempt at a "divorce/parents splitting up" kinda song and i didnt think they really had the idea right so here is my family breakdown song

As always crit for crit


THIS HOME

This home is broken, so why are we still here
Fighting a war we lost so long ago
She?s softly spoken, so you can hear the thunder
And the cracks creep through the wall

She cries, as the body falls apart
Her eyes, once coloured now are dark

Give it all, tend to fail
Bleeding eyes and a face so pale
Watch your life fall apart
Watch their tears break your heart

All expression vacant, learning to survive
Like a rock, nothing in and nothing out
Minds are absent, falling in the tide
To know another, the pain is sure to follow

She cries, as the body falls apart
Her eyes, once coloured now are dark

Give it all, tend to fail
Bleeding eyes and a face so pale
Watch your life fall apart
Watch their tears break your heart

What happened to what they wanted all along?
The dreams are lost the memories are gone

© Tim Chapman 2006
#2
Yeah man, I think you got it! I accurately depicts the situation man. Could be an emotional piece. Good work!

Gav
#3
yea man i really like this song. lots of good thoughts and seems like u didnt just throw it together. keep up the good work
"Lovin' a music man ain't always what its supposed to be"
#7
Here I am returning the favor.
I like the whole concept of the whole song, I've never really seen any topic like this and it so much better to read something new. Ok, well for the first verse it is very well put together I love it, especially the 3rd line. On to the chorus which I thought was good but I think it needs to just be a little bit longer. Now the next verse here was my favorite part of the song. Just the way you worded it, how its so simple yet effective, and how it works in the same concept. Especially the last line, very well done. The next verse is alright, not bad, but not great. Wow, very well tohught out last two lines, I love them. They wrap it up nicely. Through out this whole song I think you should improve the rhyming, it just seems forced in a few places, in my mind. Overall it was very well done though and I'll give it a 9/10.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#9
The other divorce song was mine I believe, which I thought was one of my best. Your's seems to be about the actual divorce or the tension before, while mine was about the effects it had on the children (me and my brother mostly) long afterwards.

Honestly though, unless you told someone this was a song about divorce, they'd never know.

I don't really feel like critting this right now, so maybe later.
Poor advice.
#11
"Like a rock, nothing in and nothing out"

I did not liek that line at all i thought it was decent except for that line.

"She cries, as the body falls apart
Her eyes, once coloured now are dark"

This is pretty sounding... which is ironic giving the theme in this song. but i liked it.

The very last line i felt was weak, you shoudl jstu end it with the one line before it i think that would be better.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12
It was my song, wasn't it?

Anyway, I did note when I wrote it that I didn't have any experience of it, and I take it you have.

And I must say you've done a good job of writing about it. Your piece has more maturity, an element which was deliberately missing from mine, and it's allowed you to utilise some clever images and more.
The only thing I might criticise is that it did seem to include some slight cliches, but they weren't completely noticeable, and so not of great importance.

Overall, excellent job, and I think it would be an interesting idea if we did a 1 v 1 poll pitting the two against each other.

What do you think?
#13
yeah that would be cool.

and by the way i wasnt saying urs was bad or anything, it was just noticeable that maybe you didnt have a great deal of experience with it, plus mine came from a slightly different angle but yeh do a poll that woud be good