#1
Okay, thanks to everyone who posted on my song for my girlfriend, "A Kiss for Someone I'll Miss," but now I am going to get back to showing pieces from my third notebook. This one is pretty strait forward, I don't think it is all that great, it seems like it could use a little spicing up. But thats why I bring my stuff to you guys, for your advice. Tell me what you think and leave me a link, and I will get to yours. Enjoy!

?Robbery (Unarmed and Unforced)?
Adam Schultz
12/13/2005

Gravity claims the snow from the clouds tonight
In a million different shards across the ground
Like the million pieces my hearts in
You broke it without even making a single sound

I finally thought
I could write a love song
Just cut what I lost
I am all too often wrong
Unlike these statues
I happen to have a beating heart
So I guess I?m back
To the all too familiar start

Just because you always have a crutch doesn?t mean
You can buckle the legs out of those around you
And just because you can move on
Doesn?t mean that I still don?t love you

I finally thought
I could write a love song
Just cut what I lost
I am all too often wrong
Unlike these statues
I happen to have a beating heart
So I guess I?m back
To the all too familiar start
This is a robbery
It?s unforced and it?s unarmed
You take what you want
And you leave completely unharmed
(Completely, unharmed)

Because you just can?t get enough
Of all of your friends? love
Blinded by ignorance or innocence
No matter you never see
Through all of your life
All the casualties (All the casualties, all the casualties)
CASUALTIES!

I finally thought
I could write a love song
Just cut what I lost
I am all too often wrong
Unlike these statues
I happen to have a beating heart
So I guess I?m back
To the all too familiar start
This is a robbery
It?s unforced and it?s unarmed
You take what you want
And you leave completely unharmed
(Completely, unharmed)
#2
Hmm. The verses have soli ideas, and the chorus for the most part is pretty good, but I find that it leaves a little wanting still. It doesn't really employ any metaphors or make you think beyong the big picture. I could see this as a pop-punk song. Good job though nonetheless

Gav
#3
Your first verse was pretty awesome, set the scene and made a great metaphor. It flowed nice and didn't make me stammer while reading it.

The second verse didn't have a metaphor, but it had great emotion in it to really make up for it. Once again, I liked the flow that was in it.

Third verse...=O Two rhymes in one line!!11 I love it. The repeating of Casualties looks like it would sound really cool in the actual song, which makes me want to hear it in a song.

The chorus is a great part of the song, with excellent flow, rhymes, and the like. The metaphors in it are pretty awesome.

Great job on the lyrics.

Would you mind?
Originally Posted by #1 synth
...
9. fall in love and get your heart broken and use that pure anger as inspiration
10. i didnt want to end on 9

My Songs
MYOB
Today Is Out To Get Me
#4
Thanks! I'll get to yours as soon as possible, I am packing up to move out today, so I mgith not get to it right away...
#5
Alright, here's my opinion. Cut the first and fifth verse, and it might be able to turn into a decent song as long as your voice doesn't sound whiney, and the accompanying music is good.


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