#1
This One-Sided Romance Lacks the Lustre of a Mutual Relationship

These bruises tell the stories of days that grins peaked the corners of our lips. Days that we cried saphire tears. Days that we developed who we are based on the relationships we formed. I am who I am because of you. We were children once, on the playground. Tossing insults like baseballs, and opportunities like hot potatoes. Pulling hair, biting, pinching. I struck out when i was 10, and I hardly even new it happened. I wrote songs for you, but never showed you. I wrote letters to you, but never sent them -- unless I had spent the few hours taping letters I cut out of magazines. The picture of us at prom brings tears to my eyes. Even more so that I had to cut and paste myself in. Like much of our life together, I've had to cut and paste myself in. The first time I saw you naked, I was 13. The first time we made love, I was 14. The first time I met you, I was 19. These bruises represent the days I spent peeking in your bedroom window on the branches of old decaying trees.
#2
uhm, is this really a song, or an essay, or a poem or a letter? forgive me if i just have really really bad eyesight but i don't see spaces.

kidding.

but seriously, is this a song? if you make it clearer and organize and arrange it well, i think this will be a great one.

good luck ^^;
#3
It's a song I'll see what I can do about recording this mofo so's you can see how it's sung.
#4
In regards to the actual writing, the title was actually the most interesting part of this piece, in a technical sense at least.

Nevertheless, it was an inadvertently pleasant read, and the manner in which you playfully positioned the chronological events of the protagonist?s life, was well employed, despite the obvious connotations; physical interaction taking precedent over emotional and or spiritual fulfilment.

All in all, it was an admittedly solid piece that in my contrary opinion unfortunately lacked the level of artistry required to transcend emotion itself. Although in saying that I also admit that it was both immensely relatable, and thoroughly accessible.

So good luck, and enjoy your stay.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#7
I agree with Will. It's easily relatable, but that's all that I could get out of it. It was just too common for me to actually see as something outstanding, imo.

!troy!
#8
Pretty good. Try to find a way to organize it though. Other than that, it was very interesting to read.
©Ibanez4
#9
Hmm, good to know that y'all are stalkers...

This was about the kind of nerdy kid who always wishes he could get with the popular girls. He sits in the tree and watches them undress through their bedroom windows. He's.. touched himself to that effect. He's never spoken to them, never met them. The bruises are because he's fallen out of the tree so many times trying to get a peek. They sum up his life because they illustrate how he's fallen from everything he's tried to do. The analysis of the when i first saw you naked line by hendrix edge was decent, but not what the line was about. It was a literal I first met you when I was 19. Anyways, thanks all for reading.

Gav