#1
we stretch fingers between miles
like phone lines and concrete
our hands interlock and seperate
chasm opening beneath the highway

the next time i see you,
i hope you smile hard and it hurts.
let the sun fill us with warmth
and wind carries you home.

how many streetlights will it take to burn out and fall down,
to line up and form a bridge to take me directly to your room?
how many clouds will have to die before i sleep beneath the stars

we call it d i s t a n c e
#2
I liked this little ditty. My favorite part was definitely the last line, I really liked it. The second line in the last stanza was probably my least favorite. But overall I liked the entirety of the piece.

On the last line in the second stanza, shouldn't it be "let the sun fill us with warmth, and the winds carry you home"?
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for
#3
All these lines seem very familiar, but you did them in unique enough ways to get away with it. The crossed out lines don't really do much for me, and seem do be a stolen idea from "House of Leaves," if you have read that.

personally, I think it needs to have a couple more stanzas to induce a stronger impact at the end, cause it really seems unfinished as is.
#4
I liked the crossed out lines, adds a little nice touch. i thought it was an interesting piece. The last three lines did nothing for me at all though.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
Quote by streetcarp19
All these lines seem very familiar, but you did them in unique enough ways to get away with it. The crossed out lines don't really do much for me, and seem do be a stolen idea from "House of Leaves," if you have read that.

personally, I think it needs to have a couple more stanzas to induce a stronger impact at the end, cause it really seems unfinished as is.



haha, to be honest, i didn't think anyone would recognize that. but seeing as how i just read that last week, i guess i was.. "inspired." i tried to expand on it, but i guess thats all i really had to say, and i didn't feel like forcing anything else.


Quote by greenfinger182
On the last line in the second stanza, shouldn't it be "let the sun fill us with warmth, and the winds carry you home"?


maybe. i probably like this incorrect way better
#6
i really like it. it's great as it is, but i think it could mebbe be even better with another couple stanzas in it. nothing mcuh to say though, i do like it a lot. good job man.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
Quote by system
we stretch between miles
like phone lines and concrete

the next time i see you,
i hope you smile hard and it hurts


I really like this. Yeah, I like the first line better with 'finger' gone.
#8
"the next time i see you,
i hope you smile hard and it hurts."

thats cool stuff right there dude. good stuff.
#9
I like the first stanza and the last strike-thru line, but other than that, it wasn't all that good. I felt that it needed to be expanded on more fully. The lenght contrasted with the 'distance' theme; it seemed to short to be a song about distance... dunno, maybe it's just me.

!troy!


check mine if you would:Between Angels and Demons
#11
Pretty good. It is rather short, I would very much like to see you expand this. I usually do an disection of the poem line by line, but this being so short I am just had to comment on it as a whole.

The last struck out line is perfect. I love that, just wonderful!
Keep it up!


If you wouldn't mind:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=355599
Originally posted by turinbrakes
actually YOU SUCK


"I once read a poem, held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life, somewhat hurts
Need an option and some hope "

Anders Fridén