#1
Hello everyone. After reading the forums for a while, I have decided to join.
So I guess here's where I post my writings.
Please give out some constructive criticism, I really need it.
Well here goes nothing.

Everything is Under Control (Dictum)

How are we supposed to speak
With silenced mouths
And thoughts on ?halt!??
What do you do when you need to get away-your hands are tied
Nowhere might there
Be someplace to go
Desolate and isolated
Alone and exalted
Exiled and hated
Loathed and useless

I stand
But if you let me
I talk
If you let me
Underlying messages
Hidden so well
What is oppression?
What leads to depression?
Obsession to the obsolete, we fade
(Diaphanous)

The beautiful mind
Sees disgraceful things
This is not a game
This is not a game
But it is (to you)
And I?m losing..

What does he do
What does he hear
What does he take in
What does he see, think
Whatever he wants

What do you do
What do you say
What do you think
What do you see
Whatever he wants

Sitting I rise to power
You?ll talk if I let you
You don?t dare disobey me
Subliminal messages
Are my propaganda
Exposed for all
You are oppressed
You depress
(me)
Disappoint me
Fail me
Obsess over worthless substance

I will rise
And evermore will I stay
You will hear as I say
As I do
See what I do
And mimic my thoughts
Be my archetype
And follow my code
Discipline comes
To the negative
Banish those
Heavily opposed
Hardly opposed
OPPOSED, EXPOSED

Destruction, destroy
Tortures , torture
Hateful, hate
Liars, lies
Truthful, truth
Revolutionary, revolution

What is good
Or evil
Right-wrong, black-white
What I tell you
Apocalypse, we near
Apocalypse, we fear
We fear
We are frightened
What is the end?
APOCALYPTIC
HYPNOTIC
What I tell you
What I tell you
(When I tell you)
You shouldn?t think
Let me think for you
I will save you
(Your last breath)

I will help you
Destroy you
Asunder, we are
Under we are..
?Under the dictum
victims of mindless
crimeless identity theft.
------
Sorry if that was painful to anyone's poor eyes.
As you can tell, I really need all the help I can get with this. :3
My first time showing a writing to anyone or posting, really.
Note: This is not meant to be political in any way. I just re-read it again and it seems it might have some type of a political feeling to it. My apologies.

-FinestImagery
Last edited by FinestImagery at May 4, 2006,
#5
It is really long, but i liked it. It told a very good story. Was it about a girl you didnt quite understand, but wanted to? I dont know, but i liked the song 8/10
#6
Quote by AmishPhonebooks
What kind of feel were you going for, just out of curiosity?


Well in all honesty
It's just about an overall want for power
or greed
Something along those lines.
The way one person can take control over another, force their ideas onto them or anything such as that. Theirselves, their lifestyle, if you will.
the "stanzas" including "What does he do" and "what do you do", followed both up with
"whatever he wants" states that the person must follow the thoughts and of another in order to gain acceptance.
Just a little something I wrote when I was a bit bored and a little upset
I need to do some revisions on it I know, but that's what I have so far.
Last edited by FinestImagery at May 4, 2006,
#7
Quote by abubbleinthesun
It is really long, but i liked it. It told a very good story. Was it about a girl you didnt quite understand, but wanted to? I dont know, but i liked the song 8/10

Thank you!
#8
Ok, I thought that's what you were going for. As previously stated, it's a long one. I think basically you just need to go back and look at everything and ask yourself "Is this clear enough? Is it too clear?". Go from there. You don't want to be too blunt, but it should still be understandable. This is a good start, keep goin man.
#9
Quote by FinestImagery
Well in all honesty
It's just about an overall want for power
or greed
Something along those lines.
The way one person can take control over another, force their ideas onto them or anything such as that. Theirselves, their lifestyle, if you will.
the "stanzas" including "What does he do" and "what do you do", followed both up with
"whatever he wants" states that the person must follow the thoughts and of another in order to gain acceptance.
Just a little something I wrote when I was a bit bored and a little upset
I need to do some revisions on it I know, but that's what I have so far.


Edit: Why did I just say that?
That didn't answer the question.
I wasn't really going for any feel in particular, but maybe something to make people think. To make them first realize if they're doing what they want or whatever others want. Mm I'm tired right now so I can't think straight.
#10
Quote by AmishPhonebooks
Ok, I thought that's what you were going for. As previously stated, it's a long one. I think basically you just need to go back and look at everything and ask yourself "Is this clear enough? Is it too clear?". Go from there. You don't want to be too blunt, but it should still be understandable. This is a good start, keep goin man.


Alright, thank you much!^^
Oh, and I'm female.
#11
I didn't mean to imply that you're a guy hah, when I say "man" or "dude" I mean it in a non-gender specific way...because ya never know! But, I'm sorry anyway.
#12
Quote by AmishPhonebooks
I didn't mean to imply that you're a guy hah, when I say "man" or "dude" I mean it in a non-gender specific way...because ya never know! But, I'm sorry anyway.


Oh, I'm sorry.
I can be so dumb sometimes, haha.
Anyone else?