#1
This is a song about my gf. Im making it up as i go, and it isnt done. This is just the beginning of it


There's something about her
The way her hair blows in the wind
the way she uses her eyes with the message she sends

I cant be more sure
The way her lips feel so soft and potent
the way her voice sounds, built to own not rent

The little things she does keeps me in love
Happiness sent in a package from the man up above

Millions and millions more, but she belongs to me
a ticket to my heart belongs to her, bought for free

The little things
The way she smiles when i sing
the happiness that she brings
That girl belongs to me
#2
Quote by abubbleinthesun
There's something about her
The way her hair blows in the wind
the way she uses her eyes with the message she sends

I cant be more sure
The way her lips feel so soft and potent
the way her voice sounds, built to own not rent

in the 2nd stanza, it's grammatically incorrect, cause there's such thing as "surer".
and because u rhymed the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza, the 1st stanza doesn't sound nice. i think u should follow the rhyming pattern.

disregarding rhymes, the 3rd line in the 1st stanza is poorly stated. be more poetic! lol..


Quote by abubbleinthesun
The little things she does keeps me in love
Happiness sent in a package from the man up above

i know u just wanted to make the lines rhyme, but you could still be more poetic with the 1st line, it sounds cliche.

Quote by abubbleinthesun
Millions and millions more, but she belongs to me
a ticket to my heart belongs to her, bought for free

this is fine by me

Quote by abubbleinthesun
The little things
The way she smiles when i sing
the happiness that she brings
That girl belongs to me

i suppose this is the coda? this is how you'll end? it's ok.. but i suggest u add another line synonymous to your last line, like "she belongs to me..." because when u end it like u did it sorta leaves the audience hanging.. it's up 2 u.

crit mine please
good luck! ^^;
#3
In the first two stanzas the first lines in each rhyme, then the two following rhyme. You really gotta look at it.

The next two...self-explainatory

The last one:
Is my chorus. I should've dspacified, so sorry.

I did say it isnt done if you actually read it. Did you really read it or are you just trying to get me to crit your peice of crap?
#4
y, did u say it was actually ur chorus? it was just a SUGGESTION which u could either ACCEPT or REJECT.

yes, i read it, y did u think i gave u a crit? im giving everyone else and i dont care if they crit mine, and fyi, giving a CRIT means giving an OPINION, as i just did, u just have to LISTEN to others to make it better, not listen and get OFFENDED, lyk u did.

try reading again my reply above, i was just helping u to improve, be thankful i wasted my time doing that.

thanks for calling mine a "peice of crap", but for ur info, it's PIECE by the way.

oh, and yea, i would like to add this:
Quote by abubbleinthesun
And you cant crit crit, dont ask for it if you cant take it

this was a reply of yours in another thread.

good luck!
Last edited by ajtfermin at May 5, 2006,
#5
one word CRAP, wow your girlfriend is so lucky to be dating a song writing genius like you! I hope you can sleep at night knowing that you've added another **** song to the world- nice going brainiac! And when you said "this girl belongs to me" don't hold your breath after she reads this sorry excuse for a song, urgh you disgust me!
#6
^So much hostility... me no likey flames... nihility is overrated...

ajtfermin is right abubbleinthesun... no need to blow up about it.

!troy!