#1
Hey all. I got a song for you that I wrote partly in anger one night. It is called demoralizing touch perferably heavy metal like a drykill logic song but i dont have any music for it. So here it is.

Intro:
I will (dun, dun)
Get you back (dun, dun)
For all... you've... done... to... ME!!

Chorus:
Demoralizing touch,
Burnt into skin,
Putrefies mind,
And soul within.

Verse 1:
Feels like sitting in a cell,
as I let the anger dwell,
And I'm going to give you hell,
For All You've Done To ME!!

Chorus

Verse 2:
Imbrue you with the shame,
Of your demented game,
I'll make you feel the blame,
For All You've Done To ME!!

Bridge:
But I stop and pray at night,
That he'll take away this blight,
PLEASE HELP ME!! RAGH!!(<- angry growl)
I'M DEADLY!!

Chorus

Chorus

Thanx for reading. Please give me all the crit that you can. This is one of my first songs and I would really love some feedback.
#2
Girls are a mystery. They can be one thing one second then change at the drop of a dime. I liked the song, but mayeb you like to rhyme a little too much. Work on it a little bit and itll be a pretty good song
#3
I like how you got the sound effects thing going on. "DUN DUN DUN". It's not bad, but the 4 rhymes in a row, or 3 rhymes, it doesn't flow for one ting, and it makes it sound strained and takes away from it's deeper meaning. You used big words, but I see the song as being extremely vague. Try to put more feeling into it next time, forget rhyming, and just let it flow. Other then that, for a first, it's not that bad, just don't strain it next time.
#4
Thanks guys, please keep the crits coming and if anyone could help me make this one better it would be greatly appreciated.

Also if anybody thinks that they could write a cool heavy metal instrumental for this song it would be wonderful. I am currently trying to figure out what to do for it, kinda a Dry Kill Logic style but with a good solo before the bridge.
Last edited by drykilltrivhead at May 5, 2006,
#5
Here is my new Demoralizing Touch.

Intro:
I will (dun, dun)
Get you back (dun, dun)
For all... you've... done... to... ME!!

Chorus:
Demoralizing touch,
Burnt into skin,
Putrefies mind,
And soul within.

Verse 1:
You wanted to make me nothing.
So you could feel like something.
And I'm finally figuring out,
your sick demented game.
You've spoke your lies to me,
how they fell off of your tongue,
so I climbed into a dark, where
I always knew the truth.

(Chorus)

Verse 2:
I know it's been so dreadful,
how the burn has left it's mark,
but I will not give up and quit,
just to see you win.

Bridge:
How does this make you feel,
that I can turn my pain to you,
and how does it make you feel,
That There's Nothing You Can Do!!

(Chorus) 2 times


Thanks for reading and i would sure like some crits on my old one and my new revision. I personally took this one to heart and this is what happened. My revision. Anyways leave some crits, i will crit 4 crit if you want.
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