#1
This is marking my short comeback to the forum before I disappear on Monday again. This is not necessarily anti-war but rather anti-humanity. If you could, I'd like ideas for more verses. Crit for crit once again, although I may not get to them quickly.

We?re just dummies in a waxworld wonderland
Telling everyone else how to live his or her lives
When we struggle to hold ourselves together
Fighting stupid wars in the desert sands
Destroying powerless men with their many wives
While we tell each other, the world will be bad forever

Knocking at my door
Telling me when to breathe
Telling me what to eat
Telling me when to piss

We?re all living in this waxworld wonderland
Moulded by a corporation?s iron claw
We?re all acting as if struck down with a hangover
If you continue, I?ll show you the door

Falling on the floor
Living and dying
Laughing and crying
Flying and falling
Waxwork wonderland
#2
Hmmmm interesting concept you have managed to grasp here, its good also...
I like the whole title of the sogn and the first line of the song, it reminds me of some early Pink Floyd, in a way that I don't understand. The first verse is very well written and is a very effective opening for this song. I love it. The next verse\stanza here is good I thought, but not great. "Telling me when to piss" just sounds a little akward to me. The next stanza is also quite well written. "Moulded by a corporation?s iron claw" <--- I think that is the greatest line in the whole song. Its nicely worded but simple enough tha everyone knows what you're talking about. This is with out a doubt, the best part of the whole song. I don't know how to explain it but it sticks in my head and I can't get it out (which is good). I ran over this with a fairly slow chord progression and it works well in that sense. Overall I tohught it was well worded and quite interesting. 9/10. If you have time to crit mien it would be appreciated, the link is in my sig. Thanks.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#3
the first verse is ok but the second verse is great. "We?re all acting as if struck down with a hangover" This is an excellent line. I like this song dude good times.
#4
I love the rhyme scheme in the first verse. I agree with home slice up there, about the "telling me when to piss" part. Take that part out. Good song, but only 8/10 because of the last verse.
#5
I hated the second stanza and the "show you the door" part. I think the last line of the first stanza needs changing too, because 'bad' makes you sound like a four-year-old.

I liked the idea behind it though
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#6
I loved this mate, loved it to pieces. I can't think of anything to crit about it really... truly immaculate. Sorry for such a short, ****ty comment, but calvin has said it all.

p.s. sorry i didn't nominate you for WotM but you were next on my list!
#8
We?re just dummies in a waxworld wonderland
Telling everyone else how to live his or her lives

to me it sounds better if it were- "We are dummies..." and "Telling everybody else how to live their lives"

and i also think you should change "stupid" because that word sucks in poems/songs.

other than that i thought it was good
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If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#9
Nice, a theme ive always wanted to write about.

I like the first verse, the first line is particularly nice. Actually, the whole song is great till the last verse.
I dont like all the actions, i think it could be livened up with more descriptions, or even if you dont wanna do that, then just a couple more lines of actions, to bring a lyrical crescendo near the end.

Also, i dont like the reference to "piss" in it, it sounds really serious up to that line, but that word throws me off in any serious song.

But, i like this a lot, and it reminds me of metallica.....i dont know why.

Crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=356029
DARK_MATTER, Instrumental Post-Metal from Ireland


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#10
Anti-humanity? That?s something of an unfortunate premise isn?t it?

Nevertheless, the most difficult, and indeed the most problematic aspect of towing such a line, lies within the fact that humanity by nature, is the antithesis of confinement, the enemy of all that is concise, coherent, complex and simplistic. To espouse upon the multitude of relative sins committed by mankind, is to ignore the plethora of comparative graces, man has bestowed upon man himself.

To be more specific, this piece lacks the requisite contrasts and contradictions to be truly emotive. Consumerism and modernity are both consequences of previous misgivings, industrialisation and collective realisation, catalytic occurrences that due to human nature were and are, completely unavoidable.

The obvious allusions made within this piece, only appear to have one function, to allude to what we already know. Greed, apathy and the unwillingness to seek alternative solutions to longstanding problems, are by general consensus, evils or misgivings, as I prefer. Although one cannot expound, as already stated, upon said misgivings, without referencing the bestowal of alms and or the application of grace, for all, the universal, the personal, the humane and the inhumane, are intrinsically linked by humanity itself.

In summary, it was a well written piece, although in my opinion, it was too narrow in scope and weak in allusion to prove truly affecting.

Also, if you have the time, here?s a link to a piece, that I?m sure you?d find interesting.

(Including a brilliant little argument)

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=351908
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 7, 2006,
#11
Cheers Will. I was looking for more ideas for future stanzas and I think you've hit the button.

I'll read your one this evening, although having seen some replies and noticing the words "humour" and "wit" I'm confident I'll enjoy it.
#12
We?re just dummies in a waxworld wonderland
Telling everyone else how to live his or her lives
When we struggle to hold ourselves together
Fighting stupid wars in the desert sands
Destroying powerless men with their many wives
While we tell each other, the world will be bad forever

I freaking love the sound of "waxland wonderland", it's really... eerie. yeah eerie is defintiely the word. Cos it's like, a wonderland, so like all magical and I guess what msot people would describe as a "happy" place, but the "waxwork" just makes it like where eveyone is still, maybe even dead. Haha I'm reminded of the bit in Narnia at the Queens palace with all the stone animals. It's scary. haha

Okay, then "stupid wars" sounds a bit... iffy to me. "Stupid" isn't relaly very poetic at all, and it sounds awkward and jerky.

Knocking at my door
Telling me when to breathe
Telling me what to eat
Telling me when to piss

Apart from the las tline, this was good. but yeah the last one jsut sin't poetic. "piss" is a gross word and sounds crap here IMO. Cool idea though.

We?re all living in this waxworld wonderland
Moulded by a corporation?s iron claw
We?re all acting as if struck down with a hangover
If you continue, I?ll show you the door

I really liked this bit. Nothing to crit.
It soudns really good.

Falling on the floor
Living and dying
Laughing and crying
Flying and falling
Waxwork wonderland

Good little stanza here, lvoe the juxtapositions between the two sets of words.

However, I feel this piece doesn't really have a end touch to it. it just doens't feel complete to me. i'd suggest mebbe adding another stanza or couple lines to it? tis up to you of course, but yeahh. IMO

good job man
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#13
I'm glad you liked most parts of this, Alice. I'm currently writing more stanzas so I'll post them next weekend hopefully. And thankyou muchly for the vote for WotM
#14
We?re just dummies in a waxworld wonderland
Telling everyone else how to live his or her lives
When we struggle to hold ourselves together
Fighting stupid wars in the desert sands
Destroying powerless men with their many wives
While we tell each other, the world will be bad forever


Like the first line, reckon their lives helps flow imo on the 2nd line.
not keen on the word stupid think worthless sounds a tad better, kinda goes with the powerless on next line too. Nice ideas here though bud.

Knocking at my door
Telling me when to breathe
Telling me what to eat
Telling me when to piss


I agree with whoever that the piss line could be something else, as it doesn't sound quite right, maybe sleep

We?re all living in this waxworld wonderland
Moulded by a corporation?s iron claw
We?re all acting as if struck down with a hangover
If you continue, I?ll show you the door


nothing wrong for me here bud, good ideas and rhyme

Falling on the floor
Living and dying
Laughing and crying
Flying and falling
Waxwork wonderland


I think you could swap the 2nd and 3rd lines over mate, imo it sounds better, falling about laughing kinda goes well, and not keen on the 4th line, sounds a tad weak, i kinda like something like flopping and melting in a Waxworld wonderland

good piece mate, but now that you are a contender for wotm, you have to produce the goods and you do hey hey
Anyways hope you are getting on in your new home
All the best Daemonika
Last edited by Glenn James at May 13, 2006,
#15
Thanks for the suggestions Glenn. I'll change some of the stuff around.

This will be the last time I'm online until Friday evening because there is no computer at the new house, so hopefully I can implement the corrections to this song and maybe write more songs, maybe not of this exact idea, but similar, as many people seem to like it.