#1
ok I'm back with the new one...I wrote another one here so you can check that one out too. here it is:

Breakdown

Lately I don't feel so normal
Something inside of me is wrong
This is different than before
I need to face this head on

No one can help me anymore
Many have tried to break the curse
They think they're settling the score
But they just make things worse

I'm falling apart at the seams
I guess I deserve this
I have crumbled and come undone
I finally unwound
No one can tell me what it means
Or how to solve it
Watch me stumble but not for fun
This time I broke down

Now that I see the problem
Please tell me what I need to do
You tried but you missed the target
Why did I bother asking you?

No one can help me anymore
Many have tried to break the curse
They think they're settling the score
But they just make things worse

I'm falling apart at the seams
I guess I deserve this
I have crumbled and come undone
I finally unwound
No one can tell me what it means
Or how to solve it
Watch me stumble but not for fun
This time I broke down

As I reach for the lighter
I forget about today
Can I hold on to this life or
Will I just slowly fade away?


I'm falling apart at the seams
I guess I deserve this
I have crumbled and come undone
I finally unwound
No one can tell me what it means
Or how to solve it
Watch me stumble but not for fun
This time I broke down
Quote by Corwinoid
Metal doesn't hold hands, it gets head in the van before the show. Seriously.

Originally posted by tyler 417 714
Quote by (-) Ions
There's a band called tool?

Quote by NewWaves
People still watch MTV?
Last edited by Screech at May 6, 2006,
#2
Lately I don't feel so normal
Something inside of me is wrong
This is different from before
I need to face this head on

Nice, gotta like the ABCB. The only thing I would suggest is changing from in the third line to than. The flow is great though.

No one can help me anymore
Many have tried to break the curse
They think they're settling the score
But they just make things worse

Saweet, same thing as the first pretty much. If that's all first verse, it's a great set up for the rest of the song.

I'm falling apart at the seams
I guess a deserve this
I have crumbled and come undone
I finally unwound
No one can tell me what it means
Or how to solve it
Watch me stumble but not for fun
This time I broke down

Gotta love the metaphors here, small mistake in the second line, I'm guessing 'a' is supposed to be 'I'. I like the flow, doesn't look like you're rhyming for the sake of rhming, and I'm guessing you're not.

Now that I see the problem
Please tell me what I need to do
You tried but you missed the target
Why did I bother asking you?

Awesome, I feel like I'm reading a story in a song, but it's not a narrative exactly. I love it.

As I reach for the lighter
I forget about today
Can I hold on to this life or
Will I just slowly fade away?
I've hit rock bottom there's no way back

The last line was something I didn't like, it just disrupted the flow. I think you'd be better off without it, but maybe you can find a way to make it work.

Nice piece, I liked it. Felt kinda grungy, at least to me.

MYOB

Would you mind?
Originally Posted by #1 synth
...
9. fall in love and get your heart broken and use that pure anger as inspiration
10. i didnt want to end on 9

My Songs
MYOB
Today Is Out To Get Me
#3
thanks for the comments. and yeah I wasn't too sure about the last line...I thought I took it out before I posted, but I guess not lol. thanks for the crit...I'll get to yours.
Quote by Corwinoid
Metal doesn't hold hands, it gets head in the van before the show. Seriously.

Originally posted by tyler 417 714
Quote by (-) Ions
There's a band called tool?

Quote by NewWaves
People still watch MTV?