#1
ok so i wrote this song after a long absence of writing..i know the first verse sucks, im working on rewriting it..crit por favor


I just want to know that I can feel
Im yelling out but can you hear me
I get no response so I dig deeper
Im turning into the person I never knew

If everything could be
Like everything serene
I'd find my peace in sanity
Then watch it float away

I cant bring myself to see
that peace is waiting here for me
I run away and smoke my sh**
Why have I turned into this?

If my life could be
Like everything serene
I'd find my peace in sanity
And let it float away

Events that seemed to coincide
Brought me to my other life
I run away, I feel no pain
And apparently I lie to me

My life could be
Like everything serene
I could find my peace in sanity
In living day to day
But I cant let myself sit
Knowing Im not right
When everything inside me
Says that I should die
#3
I liked the use of hte word serene. and how you weren't afraid ot not rhyme which is good. Some of the lines were jsut too basic and blunt and lacked any thing striking. Keep writing you'll only improve.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
Quote by thewitesuperman
ok so i wrote this song after a long absence of writing..i know the first verse sucks, im working on rewriting it..crit por favor


I just want to know that I can feel
Im yelling out but can you hear me
I get no response so I dig deeper
Im turning into the person I never knew
I don't know what to say...Kinda lame/cliche beginning, but it's written better than most things on this subject, this cliche, but you warned me so I'll read on.

If everything could be
Like everything serene
I'd find my peace in sanity
Then watch it float away
I like this alot actually, especially the first two lines.

I cant bring myself to see
that peace is waiting here for me
I run away and smoke my sh**
Why have I turned into this?
Again, kinda meh. Rhyme of see with me is kinda annoying, I hate the 'ee' sound. I suggest rewriting the first two lines.

If my life could be
Like everything serene
I'd find my peace in sanity
And let it float away
I like this still, I also like how you changed the first line

Events that seemed to coincide
Brought me to my other life
I run away, I feel no pain
And apparently I lie to me
This one was good, seemed to have a kind of lighthearted feel as well as emotive. I liked this one. The rhyme in the last line was good too, it's what gave the lighthearted feel.

My life could be Cool change.
Like everything serene
I could find my peace in sanity
In living day to day
But I cant let myself sit
Knowing Im not right
When everything inside me
Says that I should die
This was a good ending


Sorry about the sucky crit...I couldn't really find anything to suggest, except those vague things I did...but hey, keep writing, I can tell you are a bit rusty, and that you have skill. But this definitely isn't the best you can do. 6.5/10.

Could you check out mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=355250

or one of the ones in my sig.
Thanks.