#1
Hey everyone! I'm back, yet again~to share with you some of my more nonsensical garbage. But don't let that stop you from reading it. You might have a nice laugh or two. Well yeah. So please critique this, I could really use it! Rate it as well, if you'd like. This one isn't nearly as long as the other one I posted. Alright, well here goes nothing...again.

Insanity


The stars above us
fade in solemn existence
as we question the reality
of our being

Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
the thoughts of the "insane"
ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

Obscure and mindless
I show you, my friend
the thoughts of "craziness"
which rush through this mind
standing out forlorn
and ready for hatred

Before you there lies an option
of perception or deception
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?
--------------
Alright, so there it is.
I just finished writing this a few minutes ago, and I'm half asleep so I'll probably think it's even more horrible tomorrow morning. ^-^
(Kind of like a drinking after you get a hang over...)

Thanks much all,

-FinestImagery
#2
Thank you for the positive comment on my piece, but please read the FAQ. This title is a violation of the rules and I will be editing it for you. I will make sure to get back to this piece to crit.

Thanks,
!troy!
#3
Quote by kunvulshuns
Thank you for the positive comment on my piece, but please read the FAQ. This title is a violation of the rules and I will be editing it for you. I will make sure to get back to this piece to crit.

Thanks,
!troy!


Oh, I'm sorry.
Off to read the FAQ!
And thank you. ^^
#4
The stars above us
fade in solemn existence
as we question the reality
of our being

Try putting another word at the end of the last line that rhymes with one of the lines before it. Doesn't matter which, but I think it would help with flow. Gotta love the idea in it though, and I get a feel from it.

Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
the thoughts of the "insane"
ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

Cool man, nothing much to say here. I like this bit here.

Obscure and mindless
I show you, my friend
the thoughts of "craziness"
which rush through this mind
standing out forlorn
and ready for hatred

Neat dude, flows, I don't get tripped up while going through it. I like the emotion you put through this piece.

Before you there lies an option
of perception or deception
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?

Nice ending that makes ya think and such, once again I wasn't tripped up with the words and what not.

This is different then a lot of the stuff I've read on UG, and I like seeing people try different things. Great lyrics,song, poem, whatever.
Originally Posted by #1 synth
...
9. fall in love and get your heart broken and use that pure anger as inspiration
10. i didnt want to end on 9

My Songs
MYOB
Today Is Out To Get Me
#5
Quote by Link883
The stars above us
fade in solemn existence
as we question the reality
of our being

Try putting another word at the end of the last line that rhymes with one of the lines before it. Doesn't matter which, but I think it would help with flow. Gotta love the idea in it though, and I get a feel from it.

Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
the thoughts of the "insane"
ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

Cool man, nothing much to say here. I like this bit here.

Obscure and mindless
I show you, my friend
the thoughts of "craziness"
which rush through this mind
standing out forlorn
and ready for hatred

Neat dude, flows, I don't get tripped up while going through it. I like the emotion you put through this piece.

Before you there lies an option
of perception or deception
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?

Nice ending that makes ya think and such, once again I wasn't tripped up with the words and what not.

This is different then a lot of the stuff I've read on UG, and I like seeing people try different things. Great lyrics,song, poem, whatever.


Thank you very much!
Finally some constructive criticism...ahhhh.(lol)
Anyone else?^^
#6
Thanks for the comments on my song. You did interpret it correctly if I can say there's a correct way.

As for your piece, I really like the idea you're going with. I agree with the above post about adding words at the end of each stanza. I always prefer lyrics that rhyme, but that's just me. Also, perhaps consider some symbolism or metaphors to make it a little less direct.

Thanks again for your response, I'll be sure to post another song soon.
#7
I like the song, though I don't quite understand it. I get the feeling that it's got something to do with confusion, being considered crazy, and anger -- am I close? Also I usually prefer a little rhyme in my songs, but that's just my oppinion, you probably have your own way of doing things.
#8
Thank you all for your crits, they are all very helpful.
I guess I should try going with the concept of "rhyme scheme" next writing, it's always good for a change here and there.

Thanks again everyone,

-FinestImagery
#9
i liked this a lot actually... i do think you should change "craziness" to something else i didn't sound right to me. my only other suggestion would be


Before you there lies an option
of perception or deception
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?


i thinkyou should take out "there" in the first line because to me it flows better, change "deception" because it sounds odd right there.

other than that i found it very well written
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#10
Quote by Dämonschatten
i liked this a lot actually... i do think you should change "craziness" to something else i didn't sound right to me. my only other suggestion would be


Before you there lies an option
of perception or deception
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?


i thinkyou should take out "there" in the first line because to me it flows better, change "deception" because it sounds odd right there.

other than that i found it very well written


Thank you very, very much!
I'll rewrite this tonight, it seems I should do a bit of revision.
Not bad for twelve, I guess.
Haha, true.
I wasn't sure about using the word "craziness" either as well, so that's a sign to change it.
Again, thanks!

Much appreciated,

-FinestImagery
#11
you're only twelve? haha, fooled me
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#12
Quote by Dämonschatten
you're only twelve? haha, fooled me

Or so they tell me.
I don't feel like it, haha...
I think I just might be the only in my language arts class to actually try my hand at writing something of my own, or to even appreciate it.
I don't know lol.
Just something I do because I like it.
Hey, instead of craziness, would "foolishness" flow better?
Just a thought.

-FinestImagery
Last edited by FinestImagery at May 6, 2006,
#13
hard to say with the other words. becomes a tongue twister when i read it
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#14
Quote by Dämonschatten
hard to say with the other words. becomes a tongue twister when i read it


Oh wow...true.
Between "Foolishness" and "which", right?
Hmm...
What other words could I substitute...
illogicality, irrationality?

-FinestImagery
#15
Folly?

get on the chatroom thingy
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#16
Before you lies an option
of perception or betrayal
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?
---
That's what I think I might change "deception" to.
Betrayal.
The chatroom thing?
Okay one second.
#17
i like it
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#18
Alright!

REVISION:

Insanity

The stars above us
fade in solemn existence
as we question the reality
of our being

Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
the thoughts of the "insane"
ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

Obscure and mindless
I show you, my friend
the thoughts of "foolishness"
which rush through this mind
standing out forlorn
and ready for hatred

Before you lies an option
of perception or betrayal
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?
#19
i thought you weren't keeping foolishness
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#21
yeah
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#22
Insanity

The stars above us
fade in solemn existence
as we question the reality
of our being

Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
the thoughts of the "insane"
ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

Obscure and mindless
I show you, my friend
the thoughts of "absurdity"
which rush through this mind
standing out forlorn
and ready for hatred

Before you lies an option
of perception or betrayal
your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth
or watch the animation of the invisible,
do you believe what you can't see?

---------
And there we have it.
The revision of the revision.
The SUPER REVISION, if you will.

-FinestImagery
#23
hey this is good! i rarely create lyrics this good (im also twelve) but crit 4 crit??????
well i dont know how to make a link but ill ry but if it doesnt come out right its DEMISE on the second page.

http//:ultimate-guitar/forum/showthread.php?t=349776
hope it comes out alright!!!!!!!!!
#24
Quote by da ramones
hey this is good! i rarely create lyrics this good (im also twelve) but crit 4 crit??????
well i dont know how to make a link but ill ry but if it doesnt come out right its DEMISE on the second page.

http//:ultimate-guitar/forum/showthread.php?t=349776
hope it comes out alright!!!!!!!!!


Sure, I'll crit yours.
One second.
And thanks for the compliment.

-FinestImagery
#26
This is pretty good, at points it seems slightly...not awkward, but a bit difficult to say and keep a rhythym going

your choice, yourself
might you believe my lies
or my truth

seems to dumbfound me when I read it, I can;t keep a rhythym going and I'm a big fan of rhythym for the mostpart


other than that I reckon it is really good.


and thank you for critting mine
#27
Alright, danke Tushmeister!
Woo more people are crit'ing it than I thought.
That's good lol...
I'm a novice...


-FinestImagery
#29
I really understand this...trust me I don't understand alot of poetry. My favorite:
Stricken by insomnia
I share with you
The thoughts of the "insane"
Ready for criticism
I hand you my word(s)

You want to be understood.....
just at least by one person,
but you know that you are complicated.........
that's what I think you are trying to say.

Keep up the good work (something people could relate to.)
#30
thank you very very much!
I was surprised to see this up on the first page again^^
I appreciate it!
Thanks again !

FinestImagery