#1
The idea for this song came for the "book" we're assigned to read in my english class, though some parts are from another one. I'm rather pleased with it, though I'm sure there are some problems.


[My Treacherous Friends]
My treacherous friends, they dig way too deep
I tell them it hurts, but they laugh as I weep
These daggers that bite hide such burning blades
The poisonous tip of a cheap serenade

Disgrace me, why don't you
I can bite my thumb too
No, not at thee
But, I do

Not brute, nor beautiful, nor bold as can be
But you're all so jealous of my hooks, it would seem

My treacherous friends, bring curses so foul
My body lies broken, but you're in for it now
You bring your own downfall and the fall of your land
The death of your nation lies all on your hands

Disgrace me, why don't you
I can bite my thumb too
No, not at thee
But, I do --bite my thumb

Not brute, nor beautiful, nor bold as can be
But you're all so jealous of my hooks, it would seem

3 o'Clock strikes twice
The Second time brings night
[repeat a couple times]


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Please crit, I could really use the extra oppinions.

Just for fun, see if you can figure out the two references. I don't think I made it very hard.
Last edited by Gymdawg at May 6, 2006,
#4
I like this piece, however I'm not so sure I get what you mean by "I can bite my thumb too".

Not brute, nor beautiful, nor bold as can be
But you're all so jealous of my hooks, it would seem

I'm trying to find something to crit on this piece but it's kind of hard.
So here, I'll try this...I like the first line in this "stanza", it fits the concept very well. However, "But you're all so jealous of my hooks, it would seem" well, there's isn't really anything wrong with it, it's your piece. I'm not exactly sure if that fits right there, or maybe I'm just blind or something when it comes to poetic meaning.
Anyways
All in all, this piece was very good. I don't see much like this around the UG S&L forum, a nice break.
Sorry if I didn't help any with my "crit".
Maybe you can help me with my piece?
"Insanity".
Thanks!

-FinestImagery
#5
no.

I really like the lyrics though. If I knew the other reference I would probably like it more.
#7

obviously Caesar and R&J.

I'm editing your title. It's against the rules. If you don't like it, I could just be mean and close this...

!troy!
#8
pooch: That is correct, sir. You win $5 in Canadian quarters.

FinestImagery: The parts in question refer to Julius Caeser being a very old man. He's deaf in one ear, epileptic, and very weak. Despite this, he was arguably the most powerful man to walk the earth, after Jesus of course. This is because of his other attributes, his "hooks", if you will.
The "bite my thumb" part come from Romeo and Juliet. Though I'm not sure about it's use in actual practice, in the play it is used as a sign of quarrel, much like giving the finger or cursing at someone. Also, it's an honor to be different than everyone else. Thank you very much.

[edit]
kunvulshuns: No, that's fine. I'm a teenager, not a ruler-breaker...
Last edited by Gymdawg at May 6, 2006,
#9
Quote by Gymdawg
pooch: That is correct, sir. You win $5 in Canadian quarters.

FinestImagery: The parts in question refer to Julius Caeser being a very old man. He's deaf in one ear, epileptic, and very weak. Despite this, he was arguably the most powerful man to walk the earth, after Jesus of course. This is because of his other attributes, his "hooks", if you will.
The "bite my thumb" part come from Romeo and Juliet. Though I'm not sure about it's use in actual practice, in the play it is used as a sign of quarrel, much like giving the finger or cursing at someone. Also, it's an honor to be different than everyone else. Thank you very much.

[edit]
kunvulshuns: No, that's fine. I'm a teenager, not a ruler-breaker...


Ah...
I'm a bit blind when it comes to literature, I'm sorry.
I really do like your piece, though.
Especially now that I understand it more, heh...