#1
this is the 3rd song i've posted... improving? you be the judge... please crit :p btw.. what type of genre would this song best fit in? acoustic? emo? rock? i can't decide...

Vandalized Heart

So unexpectedly
Everything happens so fast
Someone comes then she leaves me
And all that?s left is the past

Days, weeks, months and years
Tattoos and engravings
Experienced both love and tears
Happiness and pain is what you bring

Pre-Chorus
Everything great
Happy before
But what?s done is done
Must search for that feeling once more

Chorus:
Time and time have I gave you away
Getting you back punctured and torn apart
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Falling to easily
Not making the right choices
Failing to truly see
I just seem to follow those voices

You were crushed and betrayed
Hypnotized and under a spell
Heard songs that have never been played
Felt love in heaven, got burned in hell

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times have I gave you away
Misunderstood you from the very start
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Bridge:
Thrown around like a ball
In the hands of many, there was you
You and I, we experience it all
Together, we?ll get through

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times have I gave you away
But of me, you will forever be a part
Here and now, to you I say
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart
Last edited by akuztik_1217 at May 7, 2006,
#3
i like it. Seems kind of emo to me but i like all that stuff. I've not read any of your others but that one was great. I have such a problem writing lyrics in my band.
#4
Quote by akuztik_1217
critz pLease...?


It's called critting other pieces and hoping they return the favor. Don't bump, especially when your thread is still on the homepage. And also be patient, you can't expect many crits after only 20 mins.
#5
brokenwizard... thankz thankz... my first song here is titled "all about you".. if you have the time... check it out... :P i guess i'LL go for emo then... stiLL a newbie here... but i appreciated that... :p
#7
don't mention it. i have respect for anyone who puts their work on public diplay. the fact that i genuinely liked your song helped too. i'll check out your other stuff when i get back from my sunday job later.
#9
It's pretty well written, but tbh nothing really stands out as being amazingly original or like "wow, hmm that makes ya think" etc. The ideas are kinda cliched, and we've all heard it a million times before.

But as I said, it's not badly written, it's jsut the ideas are kidan unoriginal. I can see this making a pretty good song when it's put to music, but it's the kind everyone bitches about on MTV because it's so simialr to everything else out today. But ehy, at least it's on MTV
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#12
hey hey hey!! that simpLe crit made me feeL lyk the effort was weLL worth it... hahaha.. thankz... :P
#13
Quote by akuztik_1217
hey hey hey!! that simpLe crit made me feeL lyk the effort was weLL worth it... hahaha.. thankz... :P


Hey you can not fix perfection. And this is pretty great for what it is.
#14
i liked it. it worked well as a song and if you continue to write stuff you will notice you get better.
#15
thankz dude... i love writing but i know i need 2 improve... everything comes out so corny and overused each time i write... thanks for the crit though... i guess practice does make perfect... or near to perfect... hehe :p gLad you liked it... every time someone likes the song... i feel like writing more.. haha
#17
Vandalized Heart

So unexpectedly
Everything happens so fast
Someone comes then she leaves me
And all that?s left is the past

Days, weeks, months and years
Tattoos and engravings
Experienced both love and tears
Happiness and pain is what you bring

Ehh, cool opening. Two things however, the first four lines are a bit bland, dunno what is is 'bout 'em, they just are. Second thing is, it may just be me, but the last line of your first verse doesn't feel like a conclusion of that thought.

Pre-Chorus
Everything great
Happy before
But what?s done is done
Must search for that feeling once more

Chorus:
Time and time have I gave you away
Getting you back punctured and torn apart
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Your chorus, to me, is fantastic. I love how you thought of a different way to say you're hurt or sad then 'broken heart'. It just spices up the reading. Torn and punctured are nice words too, and the whole thing to me fits well together.

Falling to easily
Not making the right choices
Failing to truly see
I just seem to follow those voices

You were crushed and betrayed
Hypnotized and under a spell
Heard songs that have never been played
Felt love in heaven, got burned in hell

On the first four lines, voices sounds a bit forced. The last bit was great though, describing what happened. The song would be tons better if it was consistant with excellence such as that bit there.

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times have I gave you away
Misunderstood you from the very start
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Bridge:
Thrown around like a ball
In the hands of many, there was you
You and I, we experience it all
Together, we?ll get through

Cool dude, I like the metaphors used it this part of the song. Really all I can say, nice flow and such.

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times have I gave you away
But of me, you will forever be a part
Here and now, to you I say
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Great song dude, I loved it. I liked how the chorus' changed between each other, though there wasn't much to say different between them. Anyway, I think that with a bit of editing this will be a great song.
Originally Posted by #1 synth
...
9. fall in love and get your heart broken and use that pure anger as inspiration
10. i didnt want to end on 9

My Songs
MYOB
Today Is Out To Get Me
#18
thankz dude... a crit weLL worth reading.. :p i"ll fix the song up more... i'm thinking bout the things you said now and i"ll find ways to improve on it... thankz thankz... :p any more critz?
#19
thats a pretty decent song..
it could fall in the emo category..
hmm... criticizm...
ohh..
in this line
"Falling to easily
Not making the right choices
Failing to truly see
I just seem to follow those voices"
It sounds like your tryin to fit all the words in the line..
try take some words out..
it might help..
#20
yah.. i see your point... here's the revised version.... i changed some and added a few here and there... but not that much really changed... i"ll crit yours next time i visit... i gotta go.. hehe... tnx anyway.. :P

Vandalized Heart

So unexpectedly
Life moves on so fast
The present time seems to pass me
And all that?s left is the past for me reminisce

Days, weeks, months and years
Tattoos and engravings
Experienced both love and tears
Happiness and pain is what you bring

Pre-Chorus
Everything great
Happy before
But what?s done is done
Must search for that feeling once more

Chorus:
Time and time have I gave you away
Getting you back punctured and torn apart
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Falling to easily
Overlooking the choices
Confused is the word for me
Just seem to follow those voices in my head

You were crushed and then betrayed
Hypnotized and cast under a spell
Heard songs that have never been played
Felt love in heaven, got burned in hell

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times you were given away
Misunderstood you from the very start
Here and now, with you I stay
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart

Bridge:
Thrown around like a ball
In the hands of many, there was you
You and I, we experience it all
Together, we?ll make it through

Pre-Chorus

Chorus:
Several times have I gave you away
But of me, you will forever be a part
Here and now, to you I say
We?re in this together
My poor vandalized heart