#1
this is the first part of some, I don't know how many yet.

please leave me a link and I'll return all crits, thanks


strolling along at midnight and getting hit by a bus just isn't the same as it is in the movies (part one)

disembodied fragments outline where we sat down,
amidst the desert snow and winter sky sun.
feeling of passion and supplies that are rationed,
searching this entire time for a place to call home.

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write:
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
you like Fall Out Boy? 'cause they're song titles are like that. E.G - 'Tell that Mick he just made my list of things I've gotta do today'.
#3
2nd last line looks pretty well constructed.

I'd have the title as:

strolling along at midnight and getting hit by a bus just isn't the same as it is in the movies (part one)
#4
you like Fall Out Boy? 'cause they're song titles are like that. E.G - 'Tell that Mick he just made my list of things I've gotta do today'.


she ****ing loves them, goes to all their shows
#5
^hahahaha, yeah so do you

can't say I particularly enjoy FOB

sorry if I'm not allowed to put my titles as what I wants. I think it maybe ties in with something later in the series.

thx for the suggestion Glennie. I shall change it.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
thanks, I like that idea of "entire" rather than whole, so I changed it

I'll get to yours both now, thanks for the comments
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
I don't think it's possible to say too much about this small piece, because it seems to be setting the scene, and you're very good at writing anyway.
Basically, I look forward to the following parts.
#11
a good start, i like it
and 'sink into lethargic prose' is one hell of a line.
Does that mean the next section is gonna be prose?
Anyway not much else to say seen as its so short.

A crit back would be much appreciated, links in me sig
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#12
Quote by jallas
this is the first part of some, I don't know how many yet.

please leave me a link and I'll return all crits, thanks


strolling along at midnight and getting hit by a bus just isn't the same as it is in the movies (part one)

OMGZ u muzT luv FOB becuz their TitLez r long lolz! Seriously, Fall Out Boy didn't start it, nor are they the only to use it. Look into other bands in their 'scene' and you'll see as such. I don't particularly like the title though... perhaps with later parts it will grow on me.

disembodied fragments outline where we sat down,
amidst the desert snow and winter sky sun.
feeling of passion and supplies that are rationed,
searching this entire time for a place to call home.

Desert Snow? Winter sun sky? Oh you're crazy Alice, just crazy. REALLY love the passion/rationed rhyme. And there's something about "time" that makes it fit perfectly. I like this, but I can't say the subject matter is new. Then again, what IS new these days?

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write:

Beautiful. BUT WHAT DO YOU WRITE?! Nice cliffhanger. I'm excited.


Did I help at all? No, but that's only because it's good. Upsettingly, this is just about perfect, and I can't find anything to fix.

Nice work Alice. Maybe I'll have a new piece up soon? Maybe I won't... If I do it's going to be pop-punk-esque lyrics, so you'll probably hate it
#13
disembodied fragments outline where we sat down,
amidst the desert snow and winter sky sun.
feeling of passion and supplies that are rationed,
searching this entire time for a place to call home.


I like the overall feel here, think feeling could be feelings imo it just sounds a tad better,
really like the feel of the last line. It gives a great impression of total lostness in life

and as I wait the sun sets;
I sink into lethargic prose,
and I write:


Well nothing to crit here, it just leaves you wanting to know more, like to be continued................................................................................__________________

now I am thinking that,
And as I sink the sun sets, I drift into lethargic prose..........might sound nice here too, just an after thought(to be ignored at will)

Nice work Jallas
All the best to Ya
Last edited by Glenn James at May 8, 2006,
#14
Quote by Retribution
Nice work Alice. Maybe I'll have a new piece up soon? Maybe I won't... If I do it's going to be pop-punk-esque lyrics, so you'll probably hate it

are you kidding me? pop punk for the new century.

i lsiten to practically anything tbh.

thanks all for crits, shall return them later tooonight.

I'll psot up the next bit when i get it redrafted =]
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#15
WHAT DID YOU WRITE?! I MUST KNOW!

I liked this, judging by the title for some reason i was expecting this to be very long and more prose like for some reason, it was quite a surpise to see it end so quickly i liked it though. The passion rationed rhyming in the 3rd line was good i liked it. I think you used hte word lathargic quite well in the 2nd to last line it really broguht out a lot. I liked the alliteration at hte end of line too. Keep it up. i'l ledit in a link in a minute

Edit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=356399
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at May 8, 2006,
#16
I for one loved the title. I also love FOB's titles. Which is, if you ask me, the only thing worth liking about that band. They suck. Other than their cool titles. Brand New probably takes the cake for their titles though...

Regardless.

It's short, but sweet. I like the atmosphere you set (The passion/ration internal rhyme was lovely). Since it's a "part 1" I won't say too much, but that it shows promise for the rest of it.

Rock On
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#17
/me sighs, I got to this late... haven't been around here much.

I agree with everyone else here, it is definitely a great start and makes you actually WANT to know what comes next. You had great use of diction and all that technical devicey doodads (I'm in an odd mood, don't ask) Anyways.

Alice=great writer