#1
Piece I wrote the other day:

Chorus:
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today

Verse 1:
Don't know who to vote for
All the parties look the same
Don't care about the workers
Only financial gain

The NHS workers
They all got the boot
And the lads down the mines
Look set to follow suit

And I don't know what to do...

Verse 2:
I talk to all my mates
But they don't seem to care
That the BNP is gaining votes
Year after year

I saw a Communist march
That got me worried too
But I'd rather have the commies
Than thenew facist Hitler youth

But what can I do?

Verse 3: (May become the 'bridge')
I believe in unity
Between black and white
I believe there isn't no need
For everyone to fight
I believe the workers
Hold up the economy
But all the jobs are leaving
For different countries

Don't know what I'm gonna do

----------------------------

This was 'inspired' by me realising that I'll be able to vote in the next General Election and that theres no party out there I really want to vote for. I realise some parts are a bit cliche and crap but this was one of those that just got wrote in about 10 minutes in a mad rush.
Anyways all crits much appreciated, crit for crit and what not!

Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#2
nice

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#3
"isn't no need" is a double negative. isn't a need would fit better. other than that it was good.
#4
Quote by yeoman125
"isn't no need" is a double negative. isn't a need would fit better. other than that it was good.


I write how I talk, for 'isn't no need' read 'int no need', in a Yorkshire accent. Though I suppose 'int a need' would work.
Thanks for the crits!
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
#5
whereabouts in yorkshire are yer from?

Chorus:
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today

Verse 1:
Don't know who to vote for
All the parties look the same
Don't care about the workers
Only financial gain

I like this opening a lot. It reminds me a lot of The Living End, whoa re one of my favourite bands ever, do you listen to 'em?
One thing I'd suggest ehre though would be to add a syllable or two to that end line, the rhythm as it stands is somewhat unbalanced. I'd suggest summat like "only their own financial gain" or even just "only their financial gain"- I think you definitely need that extra syllabel thoguh IMO.

The NHS workers
They all got the boot
And the lads down the mines
Look set to follow suit

And I don't know what to do...

This is really strong, I like the tone of this here. Nothnig to crit =]

Verse 2:
I talk to all my mates
But they don't seem to care
That the BNP is gaining votes
Year after year

again, last line I'd put in mebbe "every" at the start so it goes "ever year after year". This is sounding like a pretty cool punk song though. I like it.

I saw a Communist march
That got me worried too
But I'd rather have the commies
Than thenew facist Hitler youth

Okay ehre I reckon you could do with extra syllables in the first line (sorry I'm so nitpicky with syllables lol, I jsut am )
Kay so I'd suggest summat like "I saw a Communist march today" or... yeah... something. Cool ideas though.

But what can I do?

Verse 3: (May become the 'bridge')
I believe in unity
Between black and white
I believe there isn't no need
For everyone to fight
I believe the workers
Hold up the economy
But all the jobs are leaving
For different countries

Don't know what I'm gonna do

"all the jobs are leaving"?- I think that's worded kinda awkwardly, mebbe something like "but all these jobs are empty" or "all these jobs become emptied" or something, and then in the last line "they're left for different countries". I dunno really. That sounds kinda akward anyway actually. Gah ignore me lol.

Anyway overall, really good stuff. I like the tone of this piece, real bitter punk song, as I said, reminds me a lot of The Living End, awesome band

well done man
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#6
Chorus:
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today

I think this needs to be lengthened if it is to be a credible chorus.

Verse 1:
Don't know who to vote for
All the parties look the same
Don't care about the workers
Only financial gain

The NHS workers
They all got the boot
And the lads down the mines
Look set to follow suit

I like the topical issues in this song, even if non-Brits may find it difficult to follow or comprehend. So far so good.

And I don't know what to do...

Verse 2:
I talk to all my mates
But they don't seem to care
That the BNP is gaining votes
Year after year

I saw a Communist march
That got me worried too
But I'd rather have the commies
Than the new fascist Hitler youth

Good idea mentioning the BNP, haha. What exactly do you mean by Hitler Youth? If you mean Chavs, Neds and those of that ilk, then fair enough. If you mean those people who believe in Hitler's views, then use Neo-Nazis instead.

But what can I do?

Verse 3: (May become the 'bridge')
I believe in unity
Between black and white
I believe there isn't no need
For everyone to fight
I believe the workers
Hold up the economy
But all the jobs are leaving
For different countries

Don't know what I'm gonna do

But all the jobs are moving
To some Third-World country
- That makes more sense. Apart from that a good song.
#7
I like what you're trying to communicate. Nice lyrics. If you had some good music to go with it, I would definatly dowload it.
#8
Quote by Dæmönika
Chorus:
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today

I think this needs to be lengthened if it is to be a credible chorus.

Good point, not sure what to put in there though, I might add more of a 'pre-chorus' type thing.

I like the topical issues in this song, even if non-Brits may find it difficult to follow or comprehend. So far so good.

Cheers!

Good idea mentioning the BNP, haha. What exactly do you mean by Hitler Youth? If you mean Chavs, Neds and those of that ilk, then fair enough. If you mean those people who believe in Hitler's views, then use Neo-Nazis instead.

I just meant all the young idiots who think that the BNP would be a good thing for this country and often don't realise just how racist etc they are. Neo-nazis would be pretty good, but I like the kinda half-rhyme of too/youth and don't think Neo-nazis would flow as well.


But all the jobs are moving
To some Third-World country
- That makes more sense. Apart from that a good song.



I like this, I'll definitely change that.
thanks for the crits everyone.


EDIT:
How about this for the new chorus:

Cos I don't wanna see 'em goosestepping down the streets
Hup, two, three, four and democracy is beat
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today
Super Leeds and Classy Cas!
Last edited by GreenDayChris at May 13, 2006,
#9
i dont like the new chourus, it takes away from the feel of the song. i like how the song is nice and straight foward, it makes it easy to see what direction your trying to head with it
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#10
Chorus:
We are the disinfected, diseffected, diseffective youth (x2)
of Today

I actually really like the chorus as it is. The repetition gives a really cool eerie mood which fits with the tone of the piece. It also suggests to me that we are stuck in this cycle of crap in the current climate of things, and we can't escape.

Verse 1:
Don't know who to vote for
All the parties look the same
Don't care about the workers
Only financial gain

Really good verse, blunt and true. As stated earlier,however, you need to add a sylable to the last line. Maybe "only some financial gain"

The NHS workers
They all got the boot
And the lads down the mines
Look set to follow suit

I like this a lot, I wouldn't change anything

And I don't know what to do...

Verse 2:
I talk to all my mates
But they don't seem to care
That the BNP is gaining votes
Year after year

I like this as well but add something to the last line. The rhythm is lost otherwise

I saw a Communist march
That got me worried too
But I'd rather have the commies
Than thenew facist Hitler youth

Made me laugh, maybe just because i relate to what you are saying. Good stuff dude

But what can I do?

Verse 3: (May become the 'bridge')
I believe in unity
Between black and white
I believe there isn't no need
For everyone to fight
I believe the workers
Hold up the economy
But all the jobs are leaving
For different countries

Don't know what I'm gonna do

Good stuff. I don't like the double negative even though it is your reginal accent. It just seems gramticaly strange. Also, change all the jobs are leaving to something else. I can't think of anything but im sure you will come up with something good. All in all very cool piece 8.5/10. Good job
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#11
Eh. You need a really solid hook and some decent imagery. This is just the same spat out freeze-dried type of stuff that crops up here every once in a while. It's technically not bad, but it's just completely mediocre. With political songs, you REALLY need to make us care, because you have two jobs to do: make us care about the issue, join your side. To do that you REALLY need to know what you're doing, and this piece doesn't do it. Not to say you don't know what you're doing, just that maybe political songs aren't your thing.

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#12
Cool song. I really like the chorus. I also like what you're trying to communicate. British songs rock!
#13
I really like this. I like the way it's simple yet portrays the idea well.

You're one of the few lyricists on UG who write lyrics, rather than poetry, which is always an appreciated change

8/10, keep it up
#14
i love it. just love it.
fantastic, well done. I think anything critical to point out to you has already been said, but id like you to know that this is one of the best peices iv read today. 9/10 from moi
Can you crit the link in my sig for me please?
xx
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