#1
Argh, i hate everything i write now. I had an idea as seen below but i think i made it progessively more awful as the piece goes on. Crit for Crit you only get what you give.


The street lights are angry
People aren't moving
The hum of the engines
Awkwardly soothing
Lack of eye movement
Suspended in time.
The world is watching
You agree to this lie.

Maybe you should second guess yourself
Before you think about dressing in white
I can tell you now it's a mistake
as you lie to yourself that it will be alright...

The street lights are jealous
and everyone's in awe
The enigines are roaring
with applause

But I think you should reconsider...
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#2
Okay lets see. I like the choice of words that you used. It has a very nice flow to it. I liked the rhymes you have in it. Very cool sounding opening. But the only thing, which may be my fault, is that I do not understand the theme. The middle part was a little weird, but still good. Overall it reads very well I just don't understand the theme.(I am dumb).


Crit me https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=355522
#3

The street lights are angry
People aren't moving
The hum of the engines
Awkwardly soothing
Lack of eye movement
Suspended in time.
The world is watching
You agree to this lie.

I love the rhyme scheme you have going on here. it sounds really good IMO =]
IMO tho, this could do with some conjunction words, linking the lines, for example:


The street lights are angry, and
People aren't moving.
The hum of the engines
Is awkwardly soothing.
Lack of eye movement:
Suspended in time.
The world is watching,
As you agree to this lie.

would sound pretty good IMO
but I relaly like your words here. Why do you hate what you write?!

Maybe you should second guess yourself
Before you think about dressing in white
I can tell you now it's a mistake
as you lie to yourself that it will be alright...

Nice repitition ehre of the "lie" introduced in stanza 1. I like that recurring theme. This whole bit is great actually IMO, I love the way "maybe you should secondugess yourself" sounds, it's really powerful, but the kind of thing I can imagine said so quietly, but in total silence. Almost a dangerous whisper or something. Great stuff.

The street lights are jealous
and everyone's in awe
The enigines are roaring
with applause

But I think you should reconsider...

*engines
also then, in that 4th line, it definitely needs more syllables added in. I'd suggest summat like "the engines are roaring/with all their applause" or something. But I'd definitely bulk that one out a bit, it sounds too choppy atm.

The last line is wellplaced as well me thinks. Sounds all good to me! Again I ask, why do you hate what you write?! This is really good! yer crazy

well done man, keep it up
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4

Maybe you should second guess yourself
Before you think about dressing in white
I can tell you now it's a mistake
as you lie to yourself that it will be alright...QUOTE]

I think this be the best bit of the song, although im not too keen on "dressing in white" as i feel it is out of place..? It seems kind of random put against the rest of the song.
Nevertheless, i totally love what youve done with this song, LOVE IT.
The kind i wish id'e written mate =)
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
The street lights are jealous
and everyone's in awe
The enigines are roaring
with applause


the only thing that i didn't like was this part.sticks out like a sore thumb, especially the last line. i agree, more syllables would help. overall, good job. i really liked it.
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#7
i told you i wasnt much of a fan of this, but you said to be brutally honest...

Quote by furtherfan21
Argh, i hate everything i write now. I had an idea as seen below but i think i made it progessively more awful as the piece goes on. Crit for Crit you only get what you give.


The street lights are angry
People aren't moving
The hum of the engines
Awkwardly soothing
Lack of eye movement
Suspended in time.
The world is watching
You agree to this lie.

It seems pushed You were trying to create flow so much that you ruined the FEEL and the feel is most important. I see the urge to create a setting. And it would, but the nursery rhyme reading is ackwardly distracting. Especialy the last line It doesnt make me want to read on because its so forced and out of place You give so much background angry streetlights, no ones moving its kind of like a freeze frame of time and then "agree to this lie" It has no point to the stanza and seems bland. And the force flow detracts from it.


Maybe you should second guess yourself
Before you think about dressing in white
I can tell you now it's a mistake
as you lie to yourself that it will be alright...

Ackward structuring of syllables. The third line seems to interrupt any type of flow this stanza has and the feel changes ackwardly from the first stanza.

The street lights are jealous
and everyone's in awe
The enigines are roaring
with applause

Same take as the first. though less flow. abrupt halt. Sorry, i just dont like this at all ( as in the song in general)

But I think you should reconsider...
#8
I don't think this is too bad; but I've definitely seen better from your good self.

I believe the rhyme in the first and last stanzas are too forced. I'm pretty confident the whole tone and feel of the piece in general would have benefitted from a lack of rhyme, to have given it a less coherent mood.

Just looking over the piece as a whole, it definitely seems to me that you lacked inspiration; perhaps this was what resulted in such a harsh poem. I'm certainly not saying that it's bad, just that parts are forced.

Anyway, in totality it wasn't too bad, so keep on going mate.
#10
^ HAHAHAHAHAH i like your littel avatar. it's hysterical. and eh ****ty crit for ****ty piece. it makes sense.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?