#1
Please try to read this without thinking of Damien Rice 'Cannonball'. It was bad enough me writing it and having that in my head by the end of it. Please crit if you manage to stay awake.

****ed Up

I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
From thoughts I?ve had.
Still a little bit ****ed up,
from things I?ve done,
in times when I wish I had a gun,
I took the cowards way,
just paid and walked away.

I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
from what I?ve said.
Still a little bit ****ed up,
from what?s been said back.
Still a little bit ****ed up,
cos I robbed myself or everything,
and everything else.

Now can?t you see,
or am I not speaking clearly,
that I can?t be balanced with pills,
or thrills or last minute bargain deals,
to some Spanish island.
And It?s not the alcohol that does it to me,
but a longing, no, a desperation to be set free,
and it?s not your fault, no it?s not my fault,
it?s all your own.

I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
from things I?ve seen,
still a little bit ****ed up,
from the different people I?ve been.
And it?s hurting now,
I don?t know my lines,
let?s end the scene,

Because, I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
from falling in love,
still a little bit ****ed up,
from falling in hate.
But sometimes, it?s one of those things,
it?ll **** you up and not close the door behind,
and lead you to your fate.

And now do you understand,
I?m tired of trying to be a man,
when I can?t look in the mirror no more,
last time I did, I hated what I saw.
I could?ve killed it,
could have spilled it.

Cos I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
haven?t you heard,
I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
that?s the latest word.
And I?m still a little bit ****ed up,
but it?ll never change,
so I might as well, rearrange my life.
#2
it would be a lot easier to not think of Damien Rice's "Cannonball" if you didn't tell us not to think of it right from the start. and i don't feel your lyrics. i don't mind the repetition, but they seemed stale.
come and join the youth and beauty brigade

#5 member of the club that isn't terribly prejudiced against emo. Get over yourselves.
#3
id have tro agree.

the repitition did wear on me a bit though, but maybe thats just because its written out.

good start though.
They say good things come in small packages. You know what else comes in small packages? Unrelenting pain and horror.
#4
I agree with both you guys totally, and had a little chuckle to myself about not thinking of Damien Rice. Anywho, I think systemrules is kinda right with the lyrics, particularly in the standard verses, about the lyrics being stale.
There is alot in there that I need to change, and I'll go through that. I'm currently trying to create a little guitar for it, and hopefully that will spurn some change.

Thanks for your crits, more are welcome!
#5
Reminded me more of something Eminem would have written, no offence. Falling in hate, and it's not my fault, these phrases are a bit Metallica in style and sort of work. But you better cut down on the ****s, it sort of takes away the depressing rage that you seem to be describing.
#7
whats this cannonball thing......also pretty good...lots of well the word f in there but other then that i like it
Quote by notoriousnumber
I didnt think you could be that much of a twat. Piss off.
#8
Thanks for all the feedback, I'm getting alot of comments about the swearing, which is to be expected when I used it more than any other word. I'm not trying to portray a rampant rage, but more of a laidback distress.
The truth is, it's a self-examination following many different events which have left their mark on me, one way or another. I wanted to give it an air or anonymity in the hope that other people may be able to relate to it or verses of it in their own way.

I haven't yet worked out a chord progession, or even a rhythm and tempo, so I can't really see myself altering too much of it until then, but keep the comments coming because I really do appreciate your help.
#9
I think the chorus should be different. Maybe more angry. If your having trouble finding a guitar riff maybe if u have'nt already go to a really low tuning like B or Ab. Just a thought.
#10
Retuning to something else different is always a good idea, you're right. It may help to find something more refreshing. As a rule, I tend to play my guitar a whole step lower anyway, but that's only for vocal purposes.