#1
Forces Against Us

Separation is holding us down,
Like inertia fighting off the light.
Gravity is keeping us from flying,
We keep using these lies against ourselves.

Re-arrange the letters
To make them spell out my name
Then throw them in the gutter.
And walk away.
Walk away.

And one day the rain will come,
And wash away these lies,
Like anthills and river currents,
The past will wash away.

The city lights shine on my face,
It?s so hard to stop staring,
Every time I see the light,
I can?t help but think of you.
I?m walking away, I?ll walk away.

This time will be the last,
This time I?ll follow through.
The sun slowly fades away
And this time I?m staying here.
Waiting, wishing, hoping.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#2
Quote by fenderfreak101
Forces Against Us

Separation is holding us down,
Like inertia fighting off the light.
Gravity is keeping us from flying,
We keep using these lies against ourselves.

Yes, yes, this all sounds quite pretty but it doesn't really do anything for me. It's boring, bland, and that last line is... cliche?

Re-arrange the letters
To make them spell out my name
Then throw them in the gutter.
And walk away.
Walk away.

Meh, an overused theme, yet I find myself enjoying this picture... Decent, I like it. You took an overused idea and made it original, which is really all you can do anymore.

And one day the rain will come,
And wash away these lies,
Like anthills and river currents,
The past will wash away.

AH No. You didn't. Yes, you did. Delete those 2 lines. Trash them. The last one too I would. They're incredibly overused, and no one cares about that anymore.

The city lights shine on my face,
It?s so hard to stop staring,
Every time I see the light,
I can?t help but think of you.
I?m walking away, I?ll walk away.

I sense that you don't really know what you're doing with your ideas... It seems like you want fame, and you want her, but you're choosing fame? Or something... Think of You is also boring, rephrase it.

This time will be the last,
This time I?ll follow through.
The sun slowly fades away
And this time I?m staying here.
Waiting, wishing, hoping.

Well, I stood sitting, waiting, wishing... Jack Johnson used it, you can't. This isn't bad besides that.


Overall, I feel your ideas aren't coherent enough for a finished piece, your ideas are overdone, and it all comes together as something that I've read before.

It bored me...

You know how to create nice pictures, you can make words sound nice, Just organize your ideas more, and be sure to use ORIGINAL ideas, even if you're writing about a girl.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=356529

If you have the time...