#1
ENJOY! It's almost summer time, hopefully this reflects it.

I need to delve into some romance
I?ll call her name out from every window
Formed from fragility; Deceived by Naivety
We?ll move along fast and see how far we go

Oh and this Puerto Rican girl, goddamn!
With her short black hair and her skin so tan,
She doesn't love me, I?ll admit
But I locked her in a music box
Now that is where she sits?

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year.

Meet me in the middle of the night
Therefore, I can hold you tight
Do the stars still dot the sky?
Is it possible I caught her eye?
I do not even mind,
If this is all it is...

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year.

I have a book of matches
To light your cigarette
But baby I?ll strike mine first
And inhale all the poison for you?
Hopefully you won?t be able
To feel the cancerous vibes

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year.

I?ll jump out?
A second floor window
Just for her attention.

I?ll dive out
A second floor window
Just to get her attention?
But no one wants to see an angel cry?

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year.
#7
Great, with a really misleading name. I thought I'd strayed in on some American Idol rip-off copy plagiarization, but you really write well and without cliches.
#9
Troy, you can close this thread for the obvious bump. But I need to take my hatred out.

Doyle, if that is your real name, never speak to me. You claim you love me, you enjoy my writing, and you promise a full crit... HOWEVER you never repay me even with your THOUGHTS on this piece. I don't really give two ****s if you re-worked the "points thread", no one really cares. What matters is my writing. Right?

To the other hundred-something of you, Thank you for not making empty promises, but seriously, if you read something, at least leave a short comment on it, and not just "I like it"

Perhaps you looked, and thought "Oh it's too long" or "Oh it's terrible, I don't know what to say" Guess what? I(and you should) PREFER negative comments, as long as they tell me why they didn't enjoy it, and how I can improve.

I suppose I'll end this rant now... I hope everyone reads this. This forum's really gone downhill in terms of helping eachother out, and I, for one, wish it could get back up.

I'll try and start getting to every piece posted, and hopefully YOU will be kind enough to return the favor in full.

-James
#10
You can't really say anything bad about such a passionate piece as this. It seems written and spoken at the same time. The simplicity of it doesn't seem to really take away from it in the least bit, and the pleading tone never allows boredom. There are a few things I could pick at, but as it is such a nice passage as a whole I don't feel the need to worry myself with specific details. It's your work, not mine. And my perferences are best left alone in this matter. You may say, "Well, that's the point. for you tell me what you'd like to see take form." I'd say I enjoy it better to find what is contained within what is supplied, instead. It's wonderfully crafted. And.. I'm done here.
#11
"Deceived by Naivety"

Isn't that in a straylight run song.

i really didn't like this i felt liek i was bouncing when i was reading it. and the rhymes were kind of annoying to read. not that they were bad but just annoying.

"It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear"

The first line there has too many syllables in my opinion, and the "i swear, i swear" sounds to nursery rhymish and compuonds the bounciness. I didn't like this piece of yours very much.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12
yes, i am a two faced son of a bitch, i've learned to accept it and you should too; please chill out. To be honest I'll never take your 'scathing' comments personally as I respect you and your work but if you frankly dont care than w/e... I guess i'll still give you a crit as I'm sure I owe you something for that quaint rant against my well-being.

I need to delve into some romance good mysterious line as romance could be an allusion to anything, even the romance novel
I?ll call her name out from every window Yawn. its basic and is in need of some more specific imagery; replace the word 'window' with something better
Formed from fragility; Deceived by Naivety works in the context of song and verse but I've come to expect lines like this from writers like yourself. definitely a good line, but you should throw a witty curve ball every once in a while
We?ll move along fast and see how far we go First half is good, second half needs imagery

Oh and this Puerto Rican girl, goddamn! juvinille, If you take out 'goddamn' it would sound better and probably more romantic, thereby continuing the theme of the previous verse
With her short black hair and her skin so tan, good, and must sound good when sung
She doesn't love me, I?ll admit meh line but it builds to the next line very well
But I locked her in a music box
Now that is where she sits? brilliant. Good wit

It's like I'm floating on air, cliche as the morning dew
I swear, I swear I like the repitition here, will sound good when sung
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise? sappy but it works, i wouldnt change anything
And I swear, I swear, I swear change out the last 'I swear for something that sounds better
This will all be over before the year. extraneous line

Meet me in the middle of the night fine
Therefore, I can hold you tight
Do the stars still dot the sky?
Is it possible I caught her eye?
I do not even mind,
If this is all it is... this entire stanza is uneccesary lyrics-wise but in the entirety of the song i'm sure it serves as a nice bridge or something to that effect

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year. Same as before

I have a book of matches heres a possibility for an excellent play on the word book instead of just taking it at face value
To light your cigarette
But baby I?ll strike mine firstnever mind, just carry on with this style, its worked for the rest of the piece, right?
And inhale all the poison for you? excellent line, both romantic and fairly original, it also fits in the context that you put it in although the whole cigarette thing could be left out entirely. Again, I'm sure it fits in the song
Hopefully you won?t be able
To feel the cancerous vibes I think you should go back to the less-straight forward and mysterious ideas you had earlier in this song, such as the ballerina as that was insanely powerful

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year. Same as before

I?ll jump out?
A second floor window fine
Just for her attention. change 'her' for 'your' and change 'attention' to something more fitting and poetic

I?ll dive out
A second floor window
Just to get her attention?
But no one wants to see an angel cry?for some reason I'm partial to angels, but if it was anything else it would sound fairly bad

It's like I'm floating on air,
I swear, I swear
Just for this summer, please
Our own lovely reprise?
And I swear, I swear, I swear
This will all be over before the year. change this last line to something like 'this is all over now', something different and powerful

overall: I would say i feel your pain, but seeing as how I'm the one supposedly administering it to you I dont feel obligated to say that.
#13
First of Retribution bare with me mate I have never 'critiqued' any writing before as such, so I am not going to go into alot of detail.

----


I like the idea you have there of the whole "Summer Romance" thing happening, or that is what I took it to mean. Not being as old as some I am not an expert on the topic - I still thought you conveyed the ideas and imagery nice with some good figurative language
#15
tongue-in-cheek eh? well you could of fooled me. can we be at peace now? as I'm still not really sure why you showed any anger at me in the first place...
Last edited by #1 synth at May 11, 2006,
#16
Quote by #1 synth
tongue-in-cheek eh? well you could of fooled me. can we be at peace now? as I'm still not really sure why you showed any anger at me in the first place...

I don't really give two ****s if you re-worked the "points thread", no one really cares. What matters is my writing.

I will never say that, and be serious. Now you know.

I was never really angry, more just trying to start something up

We can still be boyfriends if you want.
#17
sounds like a good fun song, but the line "...cancerous vibes..." was really out of place. no offense. Despite the fact that it resembles a more cliche form of writing, it has clever ingenuity that mainstream bands/ songwriters seem to lack. id say 5/5, for good flow and rhythm as well as hard to find intelligence and wit.

mines at
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=358337
if you have time