#1
This is based on the book, it is actually an assignment, but I need some opinions on the writing because I don't feel like it reflects much of Willa Cather's work, and I don't really know if it even really flows well. It needs to develop, but for any one that has read the book, they will know that it doesn't really develop throughout the entire thing. crit this and I'll crit your stuff for a lifetime, just pm me links. But it has to be of a helpful nature, thats the only catch.

I am his Antonia.
Ally

The much-awaited arrival of spring has finally come to the prairie. The warmth is all around, in the air, as well as in the gracious givings of our neighbours. Despite all this, I was still unable to determine whether or not I should welcome the arrival at all because with the warming weather and the aggrandizing amounts of food has also come the new responsibilities I'd have to take in due to the self-centered suicide of my father.
As spring progressed, I grew to resent him because of what he had ultimately done to our family. I couldn't help but to recall the conversations of how uprooting our family from Bohemia was to only benefit all involved. I also managed to recall the promises I had made to my father- promises of gaining an education and learning English. Never would he have expected or wished that I do a man's labour in fields, as I was to do now, although he couldn't have done such just to contradict the promises I had made to him, as I was fully aware of the great sadness being here brought him.
As I had started to grow used to the physical labor, Jim started coming around to give Yulka English lessons. The sadness grew in me everytime I saw him take a seat near her. As every word moved off his lips I only prayed I could soon be the one sitting next to him. I, however, knew I had to eventually accept my fate. Mostly because I knew that it would be nothing short of impossible for our family to thrive without the labour I had been putting into the fields.
By the time spring was in full swing, I was beginning to enjoy the work in the fields. I felt as though I was an important member of the Shimerda family and that without my working, we would not be able to survive. This, however, still left me indifferent. As I watched Jim heading to school daily, a part of me wanted nothing more than to be able to go to school aside him. Then I?d look over to Ambrosch in the field, and think about how selfish my thinking was.
Jim had begun to make friends in school, and I knew that I was no longer his only friend. I also knew that there was no possible way that I could ever be on an equal level with the upper-class boys and girls that Jim was now associating with. I had decided that no matter how far our separate ways Jim and I went, he?d always have the same lasting impression on me.
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Last edited by Dashboard89 at May 9, 2006,
#2
Shut up. You are so not gonna crit anyone's stuff for a lifetime. That's false advertiseing.
#3
try me, it's not like I really even have a life outside of UG anyway.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#4
I've never fully read My Antonia, but I'll get around to it someday. You need feedback soon?
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#5
by friday would be nice. I'm working on expanding it because I just found out the length requirements.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#6
Well honestly, don't worry about it because public school teachers will probably be like uhm A+ because this is good. that's it. So if you are just going for the grade don't worry about it. I think it's alright i didn't really find it that spectacular but that was mostly because of hte material, i didn't find it interesting, and I've never actually read this book before so. there ya go. P.S. Get on MSN! and i have one but it's on the second page, it's called shot hear round the world or something i forget
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
I'm actuallly going for the grade plus the attention of the school literary arts teacher because I want to get approval for publications next year, but I haven't anything in my portfolio that is good, which is because all that is in there is a short essay and a hiaku.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#8
Next year? I thoguht you were moving?
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#9
I probably am, but whatever classes I get for here, I can get there.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#10
I editted it to meet the length for school. I didn't really change much from the first part, but I really need some imput on this.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#11
Meh, I couldn't quite finish the Willa Cather version. One thing that she does alot is provide a lot of character analysis and brusque naration that's sort of humorous (ie "That is one reason why we do not often meet. Another is that I do not like his wife.")

Your version is...a little too condensed if you know what I mean. It doesn't really develop as well as Willa Cather's. She tells so much in just the introduction. Gah this crit sucks sorry ><
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#12
I guess I should have stated in the first place that this is just one piece of the book rewritten.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#13
I've not read the book in quetion, but that was a very interesting Ally. I really enjoyed it.

Here's some tiny things I picked up on, in no order at all =]

the one sitting adjacent to him.- "adjacent" doens't really fit IMO, perosnally I'd put summat like "the one sitting so close to him" or jsut simply" next to him".

This, however, still left me indifferent- again here, "indifferent" seems to be a bit of an awkward word to use. I'd suggest changing it for summat else, not quite sure what though! From the context I'd be tempted to put something like "But it still left me longing to be able to leave and learn from Jim" or something along those lines. I jsut think that was a bit of a clumsy sentence =/

As spring progressed, I grew to resent the man called my father- this repitition of "my father" from the previous sentence sounds really weird, cos they're so close together. It's like "suicide of my father/blah resent the man called my father"- y'know what I mean? Also, in this bit, I'd suggest changing it very slightly to "the man I called my father".

that is all though. I thought this was very well written Ally, I really enjoyed it, and have since been encouraged to check out this book =]

<3
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#14
^ appriciate the crit a lot Alice. Glad you enjoyed it I'll get your most recent, and anything I see of yours from now on.


As for the book, I don't recommend it. And to be quite honest, I doubt you will find some one that would. I'm only reading it because I have to. It really has no plot and the only motion through the story is the changing of the seasons tbh. I'm not saying "NO, DO NOT READ THIS WILLA CATHER NOVEL" I'm just not wanting to lead you on with my narritive.
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.