#1
I have a fetish for long song titles.
crit for crit

Patrick Stump Was Right, You Were the Last Good Thing About This Part of Town

Lets get straight to it
this red dot on my foreheard
is burning away my
guilty conscience and maybe
just maybe
you could relinquish your hold
on the trigger.
and maybe i could
have one moment
to help you remember whose
lips were last pressed
against yours.

Dont you remember
what happened
last time you used those?

Breakdown.
This is the last time
you stumble headfirst towards
the dancefloor.


When my knife
hits his neck,
don't even think about saying
i didn't warn you.
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#2
umm...i gotta ? is the red dot a zit?? other than that pretty awesome sounds like it should be sung screamin' am i right??
#3
Quote by De-De-Dee
umm...i gotta ? is the red dot a zit?? other than that pretty awesome sounds like it should be sung screamin' am i right??


uummm, zit? think more of the red dot that comes from laser sighting on a rifle.

and no, this is actually one of my few songs that is not screamed.
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#4
Hmmmm Patrick Stump where have I heard that name before. A singer for a very big band right now if im right... I love this first verse, first of all. Its got a weird pattern and number but works quite well. I like the way you made it descreet and almost a completely different style of writing. I applaud you on this part. The next part is very good also. The next few lines about the dancefloor, were my absolute favorite part of this song. For some reason its got that vague resemblence to a Fall Out Boy song for some reason. The way they sort of incorporate things that make no sense into they're songs and make it all work out somehow. I like that. The last part seems a little out of line of thw whole impression you were trying to make here and is a weak ending for a superb song. Overall It had a distinct oudor of a Fall Out Boy song but worked well, I'll give you a 9.5/10. If you have time to crit mine as well it would be appreciated. The links in my sig.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#5
Quote by calvinthecanadi
Hmmmm Patrick Stump where have I heard that name before. A singer for a very big band right now if im right... I love this first verse, first of all. Its got a weird pattern and number but works quite well. I like the way you made it descreet and almost a completely different style of writing. I applaud you on this part. The next part is very good also. The next few lines about the dancefloor, were my absolute favorite part of this song. For some reason its got that vague resemblence to a Fall Out Boy song for some reason. The way they sort of incorporate things that make no sense into they're songs and make it all work out somehow. I like that. The last part seems a little out of line of thw whole impression you were trying to make here and is a weak ending for a superb song. Overall It had a distinct oudor of a Fall Out Boy song but worked well, I'll give you a 9.5/10. If you have time to crit mine as well it would be appreciated. The links in my sig.


heh, well, Patrick Stump is the singer/guitarist for fall out boy. Although when i write songs to actually be sung, i try to get a fall out boy sort of tone, but this time i tryedto stay a bit away from it, but i guewss it showed up a little, oh well, i guess i can take that as a compliment,
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#7
Quote by takamine12
fall out boy sucks


why even post in here if you think they suck? just go away, find something else to post on.

anyway, if anybody has a real crit that would be great, just dont post anything like, "OmGz FaLl OuT bOy Is TeH sUxZoRs!?!?!" k?
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#8
Quote by takamine12
fall out boy sucks

Teehee yer so kewl!1!1 ****er. Go away and die. No one needs your stupid worthless opinions. Fall Out Boy are overrated and underappreciated. I'm not gunna rant about Fall Out Boy because it's the wrong place, but they have awesome lyrics.

But yeah back to the lyrics: Your song is really great. It does have a Fall Out Boy kind of feel to it in a sense, but Fall Out Boy lyrics have a more sarcastic and pathetic look at everyday situations. The lyrics flow well, and are simple but effective. It should end up as an awesome song. Good job. I'll give it a 9/10.
#9
I liked the bit about the laser sight on the rifle...to me it was obvious, but to others I guess not. Good job on that. Not much else really appealed to me, but it was still alright.
#10
Breakdown.
This is the last time
you stumble headfirst towards
the dancefloor.


the first time i read this, FOB came to mind straight away. Since they kick ass, this song does too.Lottts.I like it, nice one x
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#11
Honestly, the only decent part was the first verse before you got to the lip kissing lines. The rest was ho-hum, imo.

!troy!



Check your inbox forty-six_and_2. I won't tolerate flaming in S&L. That goes for you too, takimine